B.J. Epstein: Down With the Matriarchy? What Matriarchy?
Marcia Cross: Take Control by Taking Action
Lesley Arfin is the kickass author of "Dear Diary" a longtime contributor to Vice magazine and one of the raddest girls we know. So it makes sense that we'd go to her for advice. Got a question about love, relationships or that burning sensation?Q: I've been with the same guy for 12 years and have always respected the relationship. I've found evidence where he hasn't been faithful, yet when confronted, he lies. How can I truly catch him without going overboard? He works out of town regularly, and I'm sure his male co-workers will cover for him. --- Signed, Scorned.
Dear Scorned,
I mean, look, 12 years is a long time. If you can't call him out on his bullshit now then I think the situation has more to do with you changing than the relationship. You have to be honest if you want out or not. (It's OK if you don't, by the way.) I say confront him with evidence; if he doesn't admit it and you still don't believe him, go to couples counseling.
Or you can just say you're going out of town and then "surprise" him by showing up unexpectedly wherever he might be gallivanting. But you know, shit like that never really works and will just end up making you look like a psycho.
I hope this helps. I know how hard this stuff is.
xx
Lesley
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Tuesday 03 November
By Lauren
My advice: First - You have to decide if you can stand the lying and the cheating. You have for 12 years, so maybe it's yes, maybe the rest of the relationship give you enough happiness to make that part of it tolerable. Second - Is your boyfriend addicted to cheating and lying and sex? If you think the answer is yes, if you think he gets a charge out of it, a rush, the kind of feeling that keeps him going back to re-experience it, then you have to decide if you want to be with a guy like that. A guy addicted to outside sex. If what he gives you makes you happy enough, then maybe the answer is yes, you'll keep him. Third -- you have to look at how he uses women and ask yourself if he is using you. Guys with sex addictions have a steady (the Saturday night date) girlfriend, and the others are on the periphery. You're the Saturday night date and you are an important part of the package. If he didn't have you or someone like you, it wouldn't be cheating and lying. It'd be running around. which means he's using you. If you think he's using you, then you have to ask yourself if what you get is enough to allow yourself to be used by him. The current thinking is that a guy who cheats with different women is a safer bet than the guy who has a long relationshp with one other woman. So maybe if the women are different, none are long-term, then maybe you'll keep him. Fifth - and here's the hardest one. Does this behavior show up in other areas of your relationship? I mean, does he lie to you about anything else? Assuming the sex thing is an addiction, are there other addictions? Is he drinking? Overeating? Doing drugs? Runing up credit card debt? How stable is he? You have to look at the whole man -- his job, his relationships with his family and friends, his stability, etc., to form the full picture. Do you want to have to use a condom with the man you love for the rest of your life? If it were me, and I've been there as you can probably tell from what I've written, I'd dump him unless I really loved him, thought he really loved me and was clear about that, and he wanted to get over his problem, wanted to stop lying and cheating because they make him feel bad. If he agreed to counselling just so he wouldn't lose you, that's no concession. In the end, after much heartache, I dumped my cheating lying man. It took a long time for me to heal, a long time for me to stop missing him, but the benefits of it were immediate. I am happier, more productive, less stressed and no longer angry. Cheating and lying damages us, and healing has to follow it. Good Luck! Know you are not alone, and that the decision is yours and his. Know that you deserve someone who treats you right. You do. Go find a man like my Aunt Gertie found with Uncle Bob. He adored her. Every night when he came home from work, he took her in his arms and told her how happy he was she was in his life. He made love to her all the time, even when they were old, he cried longest at her funeral; he was very very good to her.
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Wednesday 11 November
By marge
Hi Lauren,
You comments on cheating and lying hits home, and would like to ask for your help on my personal issue. would you please email me: mduyvene@yahoo.com if it's ok?
thanks!
Tuesday 03 November
By Marion
Dump him ... no ifs, ands or buts. It's over, finished. Get rid of the cheater.
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Sunday 08 November
By Wendy
I agree with "dump him". Even if he isn't cheating . . . 12 YEARS and not married? COME ON!! If you think, or suspect, you are RIGHT. Leave him. If you ARE his one true love, he'll come get you. If he doesn't, he'll be glad you gave him this out.
Monday 09 November
By Kia
If she don't want him .. I'll take him!
A cheating man is a sexy man! At least him enjoys sex!
Sunday 08 November
By Allison
Dear Scorned:
First of all, why have you been dating a guy for 12 years? Are either one of you afraid of a marriage committment?
Second, you found evidence of his infidelity and he lied when confronted. This means there's no trust, respect, nor honesty in your "relationship." He will continue to cheat because he now knows you'll stick around no matter what. Are you that desperate for a man that you'd tolerate such behavior from a man? When did you lose your self respect? Why do you allow this to continue?
I say it's time to cut your losses and move on. There ARE better men out there and you deserve someone who'll treat you with love, care, and respect, and you need to respect yourself for a change. Now get moving!
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Sunday 08 November
By Sincyohioman
Why do men have to be addicted to sex just because he wants to have sex like he used to get when the woman was giving it to him when she was trying to catch him? Single men are not considered sex addicts but are called studs when they want to stay single and have as many women as they can. Women try to catch these men like Nick Clooney and change them. When you get them then you start using sex as a bargaining tool and you find out that most men will seek sex elsewhere if you can't keep up sexually or deny them. Right now unless there is something wrong with your man in the bed room, if you are just putting out once a week or twice a month then guess what? Your man is most likely to seek sex from other women. Why should he wait for you? After a month he should look elsewhere or move on. Most men choose to cheat. The same thing goes for men who are turning their woman away. If you have been with this man for 12 years then why complain about what he does when he is out of the State on business now. Unless he brings something home which he hasn't for 12 years why rock the boat.
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Friday 20 November
By Frederica Bimble
Simple answer to your skewed "logic." The man can BREAK UP with the women instead of cheating on her. Grow up and stop blaming women for dishonest, cheating, lying behaviour.
If a man isn't getting sex from a relationship then he can break up with her.
Geesh!
Also, to you, personally, stay single, if you have that belief structure because you'll end up hurting someone with that attitude. Alas, there is always some woman some where stupid enough to be with a stupid man like yourself. Yes, I wrote: "stupid" because that is what it is......
Monday 09 November
By Merce
12 years and with this ass wipe!!! Come on now, why? Really why? He is a lying, dirty cheating jerk and you are accepting of it..all of it. Why complain then? Take it or leave it and obviously, the message you have engraved in stone to him (12 years worth) is that you will take it. I am so freakin sick of the bullshit about..oh poor me..I am a sex addict..I cant help myself. What pure and utter rubbish...the accurate terminology here is asshole, degenerate women user. I for one, am addicted to buying beautiful shoes.....ohhhhhhh feel sorry for me because I cant help it, I have a disorder..someone please help me..come one people wake up!!!
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Tuesday 17 November
By gsedg1
Listen to "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover". Give yourself 12 MINUTES to choose one; then act.
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Monday 09 November
By Kia
Stay with him! If you don't want him! I'll take him!!
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Thursday 19 November
By what the hell?
Kia seriously you need to find a great therapist, and maybe get on some medication... You are NOT mentally healthy. You are fueling seriously bad behavior. In fact I personally think you are simply a whore. I mean simply literally too. You must be simple. You know the saying,"Simple pleasures for simple minds." Seriously. Get a vibrator.
Tuesday 10 November
By Tart and Soul
Cheating isn't the worst thing that can happen to a relationship, especially one as long as 12 years. It's entirely possible that your boyfriend had an affair, and once he got himself out of it, realized it wasn't truly a threat for the love he feels and the history he has with you. However, if he's been caught, he needs to own up to it.
I read this really great book called Love, An Inner Connection. It's all about building a healthy relationship with someone and the pattern relationships usually take on their way toward commitment. But the challenge is to endure the difficult moments on your way toward true love. Reading it may let you know whether you've got a true love connection you need to work on, or something unhealthy you need to let go.
Check out my blog post, Love, An Inner Connection: http://tartandsoul.com/2009/10/12/love-an-inner-connection/
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Tuesday 10 November
By debra
What is wrong with you people?? I agree with 12 years, no wedding thing. Dump him. And to you others that think that a cheating guy is sexy, well, how sexy is a STD? Or AIDS???
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Thursday 12 November
By Todd
Why do people ignore red flags when it comes to a relationship? I can tell you only what I would do: If you see even one red flag, turn around and run!! If you show you tolerate infidelity (as well as lying), than you're not in a mature relationship. A mature relationship is when BOTH partners see a problem in the relationship BEFORE it excalates and try to reslove it. The only relationship children (trapped in an adult body) should have is with their parents. If your partner cheats, change the locks and leave his or her belongings on the curb (boxing and packing is optional.) It doesn't matter how many years you've been together. I would do it, and I would expect the same treatment if I was the one cheating. Another thing: DON'T justify sticking with the snot or make excuses! If you have to go to a women's shelter or sleep behind a garbage bin on the streets, it's preferable than sharing the same space with a man-child (or woman-child) who probably gave you a sexually transmitted disease. I would prefer homelessness than sharing my apartment with some guy who is leaving panty crickets all over my furniture. The maggots behind the garbage bin would be healthier and better company.
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Wednesday 18 November
By Fredric Williams
Your approach to life requires constant flight. The world is full of imperfections -- what you see as "red flags." If we run away from every imperfection, we run away from everything. In the end, we all die. That's a definite red flag.
When people have a long-term relationship, but not marriage, there is not necessarily a mutual commitment to monogamy. So what one person calls cheating, the other person may see as a legitimate freedom -- and may be the reason for not marrying.
People lie to avoid conflict. The disadvantage of this approach is that it breaks trust on both sides. One solution to this is to accept the behavior that your partner thought it necessary to lie about. "A friend should bear his friend's infirmities" is the way Shakespeare put it. Accepting people as they are allows them to be truthful, establishes trust, and is essential to true love.
"Mature" doesn't mean to be in accordance with the Word of Todd -- it means "adult" -- and adults often are attracted to and have sexual relationships with more than one person. For this reason, polygamy has long existed in a great variety of cultures and times. It is perhaps more biologically sound than monogamy. Promiscuity is very common in modern America.
Your suggestion that sleeping behind a garbage bin on the streets would be preferable to having a long-term relationship indicates that you have never slept behind a garbage bin. Sleeping with someone you love and have a relationship with -- in the comfort of your home -- is better. That's why we don't all choose to be homeless.
We should let adults decide what is best for them -- in accordance with their specific situation, needs, and desires. I think knowing and accepting the truth is an important first step -- but I suspect most people will continue to create an environment that rewards others for lying.
Thursday 19 November
By Elisabete
Loved your comment !!!!!!! Said it all.
Friday 13 November
By maggie
I say confront him with the evidence head on face to face then kick the dirtbag to the curb.
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Friday 13 November
By len
hi Scorned,
well done you've actually tried staying with a cheat n liar 4 d past 12 years of ur life. i agree with todd n many others.
1 bet many young responsible men came around u but u decided its the cheat u want then confront him
2 i'll say he's been ceating and lying 4 12 years which means he's not ready and will neverto change.
3 the ladies that want to take over him from you when he's dumped, you give him to them free of charge they only want the sex but thats not love, its just pleasure
4 and most importantly better a broken relationship than a life time of pain, frustration, misery, regrets he doesnt deserve you girl.Pray and God will bring a worthy man to you soon.
God is ever ready to provide us with everything we need at the right timeif we are faithful to him, just call on him in your times of trouble.
you are really strong Scorned but get him off your life.
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Friday 13 November
By noneya
WALK AWAY, NO ONE DESERVES TO SETTLE FOR LESS !
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