Lesley Arfin is the kickass author of "Dear Diary" a longtime contributor to Vice magazine and one of the raddest girls we know. So it makes sense that we'd go to her for advice. Got a question about love, relationships or that burning sensation?Q: I've been with the same guy for 12 years and have always respected the relationship. I've found evidence where he hasn't been faithful, yet when confronted, he lies. How can I truly catch him without going overboard? He works out of town regularly, and I'm sure his male co-workers will cover for him. --- Signed, Scorned.
Dear Scorned,
I mean, look, 12 years is a long time. If you can't call him out on his bullshit now then I think the situation has more to do with you changing than the relationship. You have to be honest if you want out or not. (It's OK if you don't, by the way.) I say confront him with evidence; if he doesn't admit it and you still don't believe him, go to couples counseling.
Or you can just say you're going out of town and then "surprise" him by showing up unexpectedly wherever he might be gallivanting. But you know, shit like that never really works and will just end up making you look like a psycho.
I hope this helps. I know how hard this stuff is.
xx
Lesley
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Thursday 29 October
By a jug of Clorox
Dear Scorned,
Destroying a bridge might look easy in the movies, but remember: They're designed to withstand the immense shear-forces of wind and weather. Deploying an underwater M-32 satchel charge at the base of each load-bearing pylon looks like the answer, but it might not even shake a modern riveted steel highway or railroad bridge. Without delving into the complex language of the guerrilla combat engineer, the best advice I can give you is to forgo subtlety in favor of brute force: Put two satchel charges at each X-shaped trestle buck, and this should rob the bridge of any reinforcing strength and cause it to buckle nicely.
(Lt. Ryan Cusper is a combat-decorated Navy SEAL and nationally syndicated advice columnist. His weekly column, Ask A Navy SEAL, appears in 250 newspapers nationwide.)
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Tuesday 03 November
By Lauren
My advice: First - You have to decide if you can stand the lying and the cheating. You have for 12 years, so maybe it's yes, maybe the rest of the relationship give you enough happiness to make that part of it tolerable. Second - Is your boyfriend addicted to cheating and lying and sex? If you think the answer is yes, if you think he gets a charge out of it, a rush, the kind of feeling that keeps him going back to re-experience it, then you have to decide if you want to be with a guy like that. A guy addicted to outside sex. If what he gives you makes you happy enough, then maybe the answer is yes, you'll keep him. Third -- you have to look at how he uses women and ask yourself if he is using you. Guys with sex addictions have a steady (the Saturday night date) girlfriend, and the others are on the periphery. You're the Saturday night date and you are an important part of the package. If he didn't have you or someone like you, it wouldn't be cheating and lying. It'd be running around. which means he's using you. If you think he's using you, then you have to ask yourself if what you get is enough to allow yourself to be used by him. The current thinking is that a guy who cheats with different women is a safer bet than the guy who has a long relationshp with one other woman. So maybe if the women are different, none are long-term, then maybe you'll keep him. Fifth - and here's the hardest one. Does this behavior show up in other areas of your relationship? I mean, does he lie to you about anything else? Assuming the sex thing is an addiction, are there other addictions? Is he drinking? Overeating? Doing drugs? Runing up credit card debt? How stable is he? You have to look at the whole man -- his job, his relationships with his family and friends, his stability, etc., to form the full picture. Do you want to have to use a condom with the man you love for the rest of your life? If it were me, and I've been there as you can probably tell from what I've written, I'd dump him unless I really loved him, thought he really loved me and was clear about that, and he wanted to get over his problem, wanted to stop lying and cheating because they make him feel bad. If he agreed to counselling just so he wouldn't lose you, that's no concession. In the end, after much heartache, I dumped my cheating lying man. It took a long time for me to heal, a long time for me to stop missing him, but the benefits of it were immediate. I am happier, more productive, less stressed and no longer angry. Cheating and lying damages us, and healing has to follow it. Good Luck! Know you are not alone, and that the decision is yours and his. Know that you deserve someone who treats you right. You do. Go find a man like my Aunt Gertie found with Uncle Bob. He adored her. Every night when he came home from work, he took her in his arms and told her how happy he was she was in his life. He made love to her all the time, even when they were old, he cried longest at her funeral; he was very very good to her.
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Wednesday 11 November
By marge
Hi Lauren,
You comments on cheating and lying hits home, and would like to ask for your help on my personal issue. would you please email me: mduyvene@yahoo.com if it's ok?
thanks!
Tuesday 03 November
By Marion
Dump him ... no ifs, ands or buts. It's over, finished. Get rid of the cheater.
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Sunday 08 November
By Wendy
I agree with "dump him". Even if he isn't cheating . . . 12 YEARS and not married? COME ON!! If you think, or suspect, you are RIGHT. Leave him. If you ARE his one true love, he'll come get you. If he doesn't, he'll be glad you gave him this out.
Monday 09 November
By Kia
If she don't want him .. I'll take him!
A cheating man is a sexy man! At least him enjoys sex!
Sunday 08 November
By Allison
Dear Scorned:
First of all, why have you been dating a guy for 12 years? Are either one of you afraid of a marriage committment?
Second, you found evidence of his infidelity and he lied when confronted. This means there's no trust, respect, nor honesty in your "relationship." He will continue to cheat because he now knows you'll stick around no matter what. Are you that desperate for a man that you'd tolerate such behavior from a man? When did you lose your self respect? Why do you allow this to continue?
I say it's time to cut your losses and move on. There ARE better men out there and you deserve someone who'll treat you with love, care, and respect, and you need to respect yourself for a change. Now get moving!
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Sunday 08 November
By Sincyohioman
Why do men have to be addicted to sex just because he wants to have sex like he used to get when the woman was giving it to him when she was trying to catch him? Single men are not considered sex addicts but are called studs when they want to stay single and have as many women as they can. Women try to catch these men like Nick Clooney and change them. When you get them then you start using sex as a bargaining tool and you find out that most men will seek sex elsewhere if you can't keep up sexually or deny them. Right now unless there is something wrong with your man in the bed room, if you are just putting out once a week or twice a month then guess what? Your man is most likely to seek sex from other women. Why should he wait for you? After a month he should look elsewhere or move on. Most men choose to cheat. The same thing goes for men who are turning their woman away. If you have been with this man for 12 years then why complain about what he does when he is out of the State on business now. Unless he brings something home which he hasn't for 12 years why rock the boat.
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Friday 20 November
By Frederica Bimble
Simple answer to your skewed "logic." The man can BREAK UP with the women instead of cheating on her. Grow up and stop blaming women for dishonest, cheating, lying behaviour.
If a man isn't getting sex from a relationship then he can break up with her.
Geesh!
Also, to you, personally, stay single, if you have that belief structure because you'll end up hurting someone with that attitude. Alas, there is always some woman some where stupid enough to be with a stupid man like yourself. Yes, I wrote: "stupid" because that is what it is......
Tuesday 17 November
By gsedg1
Listen to "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover". Give yourself 12 MINUTES to choose one; then act.
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Monday 09 November
By Kia
Stay with him! If you don't want him! I'll take him!!
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Thursday 12 November
By Todd
Why do people ignore red flags when it comes to a relationship? I can tell you only what I would do: If you see even one red flag, turn around and run!! If you show you tolerate infidelity (as well as lying), than you're not in a mature relationship. A mature relationship is when BOTH partners see a problem in the relationship BEFORE it excalates and try to reslove it. The only relationship children (trapped in an adult body) should have is with their parents. If your partner cheats, change the locks and leave his or her belongings on the curb (boxing and packing is optional.) It doesn't matter how many years you've been together. I would do it, and I would expect the same treatment if I was the one cheating. Another thing: DON'T justify sticking with the snot or make excuses! If you have to go to a women's shelter or sleep behind a garbage bin on the streets, it's preferable than sharing the same space with a man-child (or woman-child) who probably gave you a sexually transmitted disease. I would prefer homelessness than sharing my apartment with some guy who is leaving panty crickets all over my furniture. The maggots behind the garbage bin would be healthier and better company.
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Wednesday 18 November
By Fredric Williams
Your approach to life requires constant flight. The world is full of imperfections -- what you see as "red flags." If we run away from every imperfection, we run away from everything. In the end, we all die. That's a definite red flag.
When people have a long-term relationship, but not marriage, there is not necessarily a mutual commitment to monogamy. So what one person calls cheating, the other person may see as a legitimate freedom -- and may be the reason for not marrying.
People lie to avoid conflict. The disadvantage of this approach is that it breaks trust on both sides. One solution to this is to accept the behavior that your partner thought it necessary to lie about. "A friend should bear his friend's infirmities" is the way Shakespeare put it. Accepting people as they are allows them to be truthful, establishes trust, and is essential to true love.
"Mature" doesn't mean to be in accordance with the Word of Todd -- it means "adult" -- and adults often are attracted to and have sexual relationships with more than one person. For this reason, polygamy has long existed in a great variety of cultures and times. It is perhaps more biologically sound than monogamy. Promiscuity is very common in modern America.
Your suggestion that sleeping behind a garbage bin on the streets would be preferable to having a long-term relationship indicates that you have never slept behind a garbage bin. Sleeping with someone you love and have a relationship with -- in the comfort of your home -- is better. That's why we don't all choose to be homeless.
We should let adults decide what is best for them -- in accordance with their specific situation, needs, and desires. I think knowing and accepting the truth is an important first step -- but I suspect most people will continue to create an environment that rewards others for lying.
Friday 13 November
By maggie
I say confront him with the evidence head on face to face then kick the dirtbag to the curb.
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Friday 13 November
By Matt
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You can reach me at: matt2525@localnet.com
If you have any questions or anything, please feel free.
Matt
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Thursday 19 November
By Elisa
Can you get into a corporate email account?
Friday 13 November
By len
hi Scorned,
well done you've actually tried staying with a cheat n liar 4 d past 12 years of ur life. i agree with todd n many others.
1 bet many young responsible men came around u but u decided its the cheat u want then confront him
2 i'll say he's been ceating and lying 4 12 years which means he's not ready and will neverto change.
3 the ladies that want to take over him from you when he's dumped, you give him to them free of charge they only want the sex but thats not love, its just pleasure
4 and most importantly better a broken relationship than a life time of pain, frustration, misery, regrets he doesnt deserve you girl.Pray and God will bring a worthy man to you soon.
God is ever ready to provide us with everything we need at the right timeif we are faithful to him, just call on him in your times of trouble.
you are really strong Scorned but get him off your life.
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Friday 13 November
By noneya
WALK AWAY, NO ONE DESERVES TO SETTLE FOR LESS !
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Sunday 15 November
By rockygurl2
I was involved in a relaitonshape with a fireman (should have been my first cliue) that he was separated from his wife and they were divorcing. I met him in Baja, MX during a bicycle ride. We were both the same age, and he loved doing all the same outdoor things I did. He even got my daughter a Halloween card which I thought was a nice thought and when he wasn't working his shifts, he was at my house after he went to see his three kids and would soon be at my house waiting for me.
Then wifey poo figured out he wasn't begging to come back, he called me and said he had something to show me. Right away I knew what it was, it was full of I am sorry I treated you so badly all these years, but want you back. Why he showed it to me was horrible. I could care less about how she felt, and even worse that I believed him and how well we got along. He asked if he could call me and I thought about it and said he could call, but that was all.
I did miss him and don't believe in infidelity, but called him and said I couldn't take not seeing him, my second big mistake. We saw each other for two more months, when we went on a ski trip, taking HER CAR instead of my 4 X 4 truck. As I waited for him to get gas, I knew I didn't have the strength to leave him, and noticed my purse had fallen open and my checkbook laid in front of me. I took a deposit ticket, tore it in half with my name on it, and put the other half in my purse. She found it like I knew she would, and that ended that.
What angers me most about women judging women who get involved with separated or married men, is we have no way to find out for sure what he is telling us is the truth. We even went to the Dodgers game when they last won the title in 1988, and he slowly pulled me away from where they were taping people going in saying he wanted to get in so we could get settled. He didn't want his wife nor kids seeing us together.
They forget we didn't take the wedding vows, he did with her, and because of my beliefs and knew what I was doing was wrong, I ended it right then and there. If he was doing it to her, if we had got together, would he do it to me? The answer is probably yes, she may have won the war, but I won the biggest battle of all, the loss of trust. It hurt, but I knew seeing him after he went back to her was wrong, and it hurt when I knew I had to end our relationship, as he seemed to have his cake and eat it too. One of his friends who was also a fireman told us (there were three of us who drove down from Los Angeles), he liked to meet women down there sometimes for a fun time. Clue number one I had forgotten about. It hurt not to see him, but would have hurt more if we had gone on longer playing his game.
So before women judge those of us who get involved with men who tell us they are separated, after all, when he wasn't working, he was with me, I did believe they were going through a divorce. He was lamenting about all the wood shelves he built in the house, poot baby. Remember we didn't take the wedding vows with him, he did with a wife who didn't want him, that was until she figured out he wasn't begging to come home. Kind of a wake up call to her, when we went water skiing in MY boat, and snow skiing in the winter. Things she didn't like to do, and what was breaking them up. So don't blame us for breaking them apart, he was the one doing the breaking apart when she made it clear he could only come to the house to get his clothes or see their kids. I knew I could not compete with 17 years of marriage and three kids, and did what I knew was the right thing to do, leave the cheater for someone else and I am sure, by then she had her hooks back into him again, making him miserable, they deserved each other. I certainly learned my lesson, the hard way, but better to have it break up before I got hurt anymoe and he would be in a miserable marriage.
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Wednesday 18 November
By What?!
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Best that you dump him!
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