Being someone's maid of honor (MoH) is, well, it's an honor, of course, but it also comes with responsibility. Aside from keeping track of her iPhone and making sure the bride doesn't pass out at the altar, the MoH is usually expected to (gulp) give a toast. The pressure is on, ladies! We want to be funny, but not too funny. Romantic, but not nausea-inducing.
Here are five things to leave out of your wedding toast (even if they're true).
1. "My mother always said they won't buy the cow if they can get the milk for free. Guess she was wrong!"
Nowadays most people know that wearing white is more tradition than a part of the marriage vow of purity. And it may be tempting to get a cheap laugh, especially after a few glasses of bubbly. Still, for the sake of the older relatives in the crowd, try not to reference the couple's sex life. Instead, you might mention other advice your mother has given you, like "never go to bed angry" or "take time to cherish each other." Aww ...
2. "So what if the last two marriages didn't take? Maybe the third time's a charm."
Even if the bride has been married more times than Elizabeth Taylor, it's best to leave this out of your toast. For situations where you aren't sure what to say, you can always quote someone famous. Like this quote from Martin Luther: "There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage." It's vague yet upbeat.
3. "I had the chance to test drive the groom, and I have to say you are one lucky lady!"
Complimenting the groom? Good. Dishing about that one-night stand you had sophomore year of college? Not so much. Remove the first part of that statement and say something like, "We've always known that Josh was a great guy, and you're so lucky to be marrying each other!"
4. "Here's to the bride, who has everything a girl could want in her life -- except for good taste in men!"
Even if you absolutely hate the groom, let the best man take shots, while you take the high road. If you want to be funny and send a message to the groom without offending his entire family, use this quote from Dr. Joyce Brothers: "Marriage is not just spiritual communion -- it is also remembering to take out the trash."
5. "Wow, remember that time we made out in Key West? And now you're getting married! To a guy. Crazy!"
Often the MoH has dirt on the bride (that's how she became the MoH in the first place), but it's best to keep those juicy tidbits to yourself. Rather than outing her at her own wedding, you could say something vague, like: "We've been through so much together, and now I'm really honored to be part of your special day."
What would you include (or not include) in your own toast? Any bloopers we should add to this list?