I may be the last person you want to talk to when it comes to dating advice. I have no patience for wishy-washy men and women who pine over unrequited lovers. I'm all about being strong and taking a stand ... which is why I hate talking to friends about whomever they're dating. If a guy isn't into me, I'm not going to waste one minute pining over him or trying to figure out how to get him to like me. I'd rather knit and watch Nancy Grace anyway.
Recently, a friend who was obsessively checking her Blackberry on my couch turned to me and asked, "He said he'd call me tonight. It's almost 11 p.m. and I haven't heard from him. What do you think?"
Here's what I thought.
I thought my head would explode. If he hasn't called by 11p.m. you shouldn't be taking his call. Eff that guy.
If a guy calls you past 10, it's a booty call, so unless you want cheap sex with no strings (and there's nothing wrong with that), don't answer. This guy is basically telling you that he has no feelings for you, but would like to put his wiener inside you if you're willing to bring your vagina to his house. If you feel the same way, GREAT. If you actually like him, you're playing a dangerous game that is going to destroy your self-esteem and make it harder for you to find a healthy, loving relationship.
One of my biggest problems is women who want relationships but go around acting like all they want is sex. They sleep with men who have offered no commitment (which, again, is fine, if that's what you're into) but complain that these men don't take them on dates or introduce them to their friends.
Write this down: "You deserve whatever you are willing to accept." If you will accept being a booty call, then that's what you deserve. You're never going to find a lasting, loving relationship by lowering your standards and compromising your self-esteem. It's just not going to happen. I'd rather be single the rest of my life than lower my standards. Who needs it? Not me.
I'd love to hear your relationship and dating questions. I don't think you'll like what I have to say, but if you take my advice you'll be a lot happier, I promise. Leave your question in the comments, or email me at cjarabia@lemondrop.com.
TO DO: Answer your romantic queries and dilemmas.
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Friday 23 October
By AJ
spot on!
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Friday 23 October
By vanessa
wow, VERY great. so, uhhh in CJ language what would you tell me to say to a friend who has engages in "intense friendships" with people she's in love with and always harbors the hope they'll leave their partners/ fall for her? honestly, i've got no words left for this situation which has been going on so long. i'd love for her to move her life along!
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Friday 23 October
By Tart and Soul
I dig your no nonsense attitude, but this got me thinking about commitment. I know women who accept booty calls from men, just as I know several women who are having pseudo relationships with men who obviously don't want anything real. One of my gals spends entire weekends with a guy who continuously insists he doesn't want a relationship. Another one of my friends is playing surrogate girlfriend, unbeknownst to her, to a guy getting over a recent breakup.
And one of my guy friends has been calling me every day to talk about a woman he can't get over, but meanwhile he's cooking dinner for someone else. I'm sure the woman he's cooking for thinks a lot more is happening between them than is. In fact, this friend of mine has had lots of women he's gone through the motions of relationship with, without actually having deep feelings for them. He just wanted the companionship and to have all the benefits of a relationship without the emotional attachment, at least on his end.
Then again, I have a friend who was married and having an affair with a guy with a girlfriend. They met to have sex in her office. Pretty gross and non-committal, eh? Actually, they both ended up leaving their unsatisfying relationships and being with each other. It's been more than five years and they have a child together.
One never knows...
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Friday 23 October
By Crisann
CJ - best dating advice I've heard in ages. So, here's a question for you - what's your opinion on the very risky endeavor of discovering you have feelings for a friend and converting the relationship to a romance. (Important: the friend in question feels the same). Too risky or right on the money?
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Friday 23 October
By FK
Totally right on!!! So true!
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Friday 23 October
By liza
Thanks just confirms what I thought, that I shouldn't settle for someone who is really great but I'm not that into him.
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Friday 23 October
By Ryann
CJ, this is so great.
My brain totally agrees with you, although my body sometimes takes over and decides it wants to pine over someone who isnt 'that into me'. If he's not asking me out again, he's not that into me, right? Plain and simple.
I keep making excuses, 'oh he's so busy', or 'he is traveling for work'. But with the invention of the Blackberry, he would literally have to be directing a documentary about the Taliban IN AFGHANISTAN in order to be unable to reach me, and I would STILL want to date a man who would say: 'Hi. I am directing a film about the Taliban, I'm gonna be out of cell service for a while but I'll get in touch with you when I'm back to set a date.' Wouldn't I?
I am so tired of this insecure reaction within me that thinks I've done something WRONG if a guy isnt calling me. (which was created by relationships presented me by the stupid RomCom movement of my adolescence, and more recently movies like TWILIGHT- gawd) that tells me if he's not calling me, tracking me down, sending carrier pigeons, and proposing marriage in a park next to his dog by date 3, that there is something I'M not doing.
What I'm not doing is living in reality. I am fabulous. Eff that guy is right.
And a girl can always knit, and watch another Meg Ryan film and wait for the guy who would TELL her he's disappearing into the Afghan desert, rather than trying to figure out what she can do to alter the cosmos to get him to CALL.
Repeat 3 times: 'I deserve what I'm willing to accept.'
I accept that I'm fabulous, then. So there.
xx
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Friday 23 October
By Stacey
Thank you CJ... nice to have this so bluntly stated. From now on I'll just get all my crying girlfriends to read this article and snap out of it! :)
And Crisann, I married my friend like that just this year. I've known him since I was 4 years old, and 1 year after high school he made his move. Blissfully happy now! Give it a shot!
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Friday 23 October
By Rossolupo
AMEN SISTER!!!I have been telling my friends this for years and all they say is "you are too judgemental how can you say that"????IT IS ABOUT TIME someone else says it!!!
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Friday 23 October
By lswannygrl
Love this! My only complaint....it could have been longer.:) I think your friends have given you enough material for a book. :)
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Saturday 24 October
By robyn
you have a point BUT
everything is situational. nothing is black and white. i went pretty far [literally. 160 miles each way] for this guy who fascinated me. yes, the first few times, i was in his town for business anyway, but i worked in extra hours to get to know him, drive around, go to museums, talk, walk on the beach [cliche, still sweet] he didn't have a car, no way to see me, but called when he said he would, wrote, emailed, despite the drawbacks couldn't get me out of his head either. he ended up buying a car so he could come down my way. we've been the way before, we have grown kids. the important point you make and that we both followed is that neither of us was going to accept the poor treatment we had in previous relationships. we're kind and respectful of each other.
and now? 20 months and counting. we grin like teenagers when we see each other, our kids think its cute but 'euwww'
ps: he works til 11 so he NEVER calls before then. which is fine, i'm up all night anyway.
so be kind. like hillel said: treat others as you would be treated. all else is commentary.
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Saturday 24 October
By Christina
"Write this down: "You deserve whatever you are willing to accept." ... I'd rather be single the rest of my life than lower my standards." --> I could not agree more!
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Sunday 25 October
By Edie
Is a denim skirt too casual to wear on a booty call?
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Monday 26 October
By B
I like this writing, it is very elementarily written, for the elementary minded female and hopefully no males are applicable here, but I'm sure their applying too.
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Monday 26 October
By lampton
yeah, well try dating women. now there's a slippery slope. if you had a nice date, don't call the next day or she'll think you like her too much, then you get uhaul paranoia. then two days later, you think, umm that was nice, i liked her, so you call her to see if she wants to go out for a meal. she already feels dissed cause you didn't call the day after the date, so she doesn't return your call, so then you think, "eff dating", n watch some fabulous tevo with your cats.
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Monday 26 October
By Jane C
I have a friend who has tried to make a boyfriend out of a booty call for as long as I've known her. One after the other. She comes to me in tears and when I tell her he's not the one, and she turns on me. It's ugly and quite frankly, boring. I love her and I'm the only one left who won't lie to her because of the way she lashes out when it's not what she wants to hear. Ladies, if you have a friend who tells you the truth, don't accuse her of being jealous (that finally stopped when I got married). It just makes you look sadder than you already are.You are WAY better than that. Listen to CJ.
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Saturday 31 October
By BigLittleWolf
I might add that those men who get your number under false pretenses are to be avoided, as are those who babble, and those who call hourly, trying to reach you.
Great post!
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Tuesday 24 November
By Sherrie
This always hurts to be told this stuff. Why do men get to go after the women they want, but If we try to go after the men we want, then we are losers? Are we really supposed to just stand around and wait for the kind of guys we like to suddenly notice we are alive? Or be alone for the rest of our lives because we are not supposed to accomodate anyone elses' needs. How do you go out with guys when you are in love with someone else? I don't anymore, because the other guys don't measure up, so why bother?
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