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by Erin Zammett RuddyShould you sleep with your ex? Wear Spanx on a date? Go out with a guy who's younger than you? Find out how experts, authors and readers suggest you solve these dilemmas and more.
1. Is it OK to have a "friend with benefits"?
59% of glamour.com readers say YES.
2. Is it OK to friend your exes on Facebook?
72% of glamour.com readers say YES.
Yes: "I'm Facebook friends with six of my exes. Honestly, it would have been weirder to unfriend them after having once been so close, especially when things ended amicably. You just have to check yourself periodically for stalker-like behavior. My rule: If I'd be embarrassed if the ex saw how much I was on his page, then I need to cool it. And maybe hide his updates for a while." -- Elizabeth, 31, New York City
No: "Facebook almost ruined my marriage. My ex is one of those constant status updaters. I became obsessed with his whereabouts. He would talk about doing all these fun things, and I'd look at my relationship and think, We don't do that. I actually began to resent my husband. Eventually the ex and I met up, and that's when things got really bad. Bad as in we slept together. My husband found out, and we wound up separating. Now we're working things out. But man, nothing good comes from friending your ex." -- Anonymous, 33
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Comments:
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Saturday 24 October
By AverageJoeSixPac
Yes: "I'm Facebook friends with six of my exes. Honestly, it would have been weirder to unfriend them after having once been so close, especially when things ended amicably. You just have to check yourself periodically for stalker-like behavior. My rule: If I'd be embarrassed if the ex saw how much I was on his page, then I need to cool it. And maybe hide his updates for a while." -- Elizabeth, 31, New York City
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Wow Liz, Did you say SIX exes? and you have to check yourself periodically for stalker type behavior..... Damn woman, maybe you should cool your heals for a while, and stop with the crummy bars you visit! Maybe check out the local library next time, you might learn something there.
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Saturday 24 October
By rich
Good God woman! 6 ex's at 31!!!..Should have been a porn Star..might have retired at 30 :P
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Sunday 25 October
By Lori Miller
Hey, I have exes I never even slept with so how can having 6 of them at 30 make her a porn star?
Sunday 25 October
By miller
6 exes do not make her a porn-star. You don't have sex with every person you date. At least I don't. That was a rude comment. Not everyone is as loose with their body and reputation as others. Did you have sex with all your exes?
Monday 26 October
By Monique
6 people at 31 is less than 1 person every other year. Even still, if she were a male would u have the same reaction? To call her a porn star is extreme and disrespectful. You are obviously way to old for this conversation...one of those married couples with twin beds huh? Viagara does not make it ok to for sum1 your age to read this article.
Monday 26 October
By Tom
Hey People..I'm one of her exes..shes a BS Artist from Hell and back. Scag is a compliment to her..She looks 59.
Monday 26 October
By Robert
Damn 6 exes at 31...... Thats a Red Flag for guys she dates. I guess she just loves to collect those pricy engagement rings.... Or she can't keep a guy happy.
Saturday 24 October
By John Falls
None so far. I need to check things out...........Thanks for asking
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Saturday 24 October
By diane
I don't have a facebook page but i think being friends with an x lover has it's good points and bad points, I mean it depends on if you can keep it just a friendship but with guys and girls hard to keep it in the friend zone. You might just not be able to and you might end up destroying a good freindship if feelings start to rekindle. Awakward if one of you are in a serious relationship with someone else or if your married no matter how good or bad your marriage might be.
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Saturday 24 October
By Jenny
Seriously? You're blaming cheating on you husband on Facebook? Facebook didn't make her pretty much stalk her ex, meet him, or have sex with him. That was all her. I just can't believe she's putting that on being his facebook friend. Ha that's lame. I'm not saying it's good or bad to be friends with exes on Facebook, but blaming it for the failure of your marriage is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
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Sunday 25 October
By marinna
amen jenny. people loooove to rationalize.
Saturday 24 October
By David Shrewsbury
Why would someone take a chance on this happening. Can't people just move on?
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Monday 26 October
By Same boat
You could not be more right on I've been instatutionalized for 18yrs this month. I have been almost a virgin for the last 12yrs first she would have lame excusses like the famous head ache or I'm tired then she had the longest period on record, and when I said it doesn't bother me, She pulled one from her back pocket and got pissed off for a trivial thing and cut me off for months.
When I got engaged, My supervisor at work told me to put a Jar on my night stand, and every time I got some to put a bean in the jar and it filled up rather quickly, then on my wedding night I was to start removing the each time. He said I would never empty that jar and he was right! I got some more often when I was single than married. Good luck with yours.
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Sunday 25 October
By Sandy
"One reason is because for men the importance of a sex-life in marriage is the same as how women view the importance of monogamy in marriage, and similarly, for men the importance of monogamy in marriage is the same as how women view the importance of a sex-life in marriage. If you are unwilling to give your spouse what they consider most important, then you don't deserve to get what you consider most important, and it works both ways."
The statement above hits the nail on the head. As a woman I do agree with a lot of the statements made by "scammedbya woman". As soon as the "I do's" were over and this wife made it known the sexcapades were over now that she snagged him, he should have high tailed it out of there. She sounds like a very manipulative person. However, I feel the majority of wives do NOT withhold sex intentionally. Many times the burden of taking care of infants at the same time as working part/full time, and taking care of a home can leave a woman exhausted. That said, there MUST be real communication in the marriage. Instead of the husband just turning over in a huff when the wife is too tired for sex, perhaps he can be more understanding. He also needs to communicate to her perhaps at time some point out of the bedroom during a serious and heartfelt conversation how important intercourse is to him. I'm not so sure all women realize that. If my husband had communicated with me in that way, we would have not had the difficult years we endured when we had 3 children all under the age of 3. He also needs to let her know that though her body has changed he still finds her sexy and desirable. Buy her some sexy clothes or teddies that compliment her figure. If she needs to lose a few pounds, encourage her to walk or work out with you. I absolutely 100% agree that a man whose wife withholds sex for months at a time believes he is in a loveless marriage as stated above. I think the problem starts with having kids and not "scheduling" time for each other. Unfortunately, for me my eyes were not opened to this until I caught my husband on an "Ashley Madison - type" site looking for "something he was not getting at home (sex)" to wake me up. His profile was quite revealing on that site -- stating he loved his wife, didn't want to ruin his marriage. This discovery from a man I had been with for 18 years who never even had girlie magazines or porn videos in the house was shocking and hurtful to say the least. However, the honesty and communication between us that developed as a result of this incident has changed our marriage. I should have realized it sooner, as when we would have sex I would feel more in love with him and connected -- yet we would go months without it for one reason or another (usually I was too tired, antidepressants had affected my sex drive and I was stressed with elderly parent health issues). Following this incident, I started to research ways to spice up our sex life. I bought a lot of books on sex/intimacy and we are having the most fun we have ever had in the bedroom. I have read a lot about Tantric Sex, which is an amazing way to really truly connect with your spouse. Staring in to each others eyes while kissing and making love and climaxing has taken sex to a whole new level for us. I now feel we are connected as one person, soul-mates, so to speak. As well, the physical benefits for men and women having regular intercourse are many: Boosts the immune system, reduced risk of heart disease, weight loss (a good long session can be great exercise), reduced incidence of depression, decreased risk of prostate cancer. Women should also know abstaining from sex can lead to vaginal atrophy, but regular regular sessions can firm a woman's tummy and buttocks! The other thing women should do for their men is let them know they are wanted. Men need their ego stroked. Some women poo-poo this and think it is just a game, but it changes the relationship. Text him suggestive messages (my husband's friends are jealous of these and say their wives NEVER do this). Send an suggestive e-card to him at work. Put a pair of sexy boy shorts in his lunch box scented with your perfume. Little acts like this mean a lot to the other spouse. Of course, MEN have to reciprocate and do their work also --- send her a short e-mail letting her know how good she felt the night before, surprise her with some perfume that turns you on, call her from work to let her know you are just thinking of her, arrive home from work and say "Hi gorgeous" and give her a long sensuous kiss. All these little things can make marriage a real joy. I think this also provides a great example to children of what a loving marriage should be. Needless to say, when my 3 boys are older and have kids of their own I will offer to babysit them at least overnight once a month so they can have some intimate time with their wives.
So, scammedbyawman -- don't give up on the idea of marriage. Just make sure you pick the "right" woman next time around ;-)
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Sunday 25 October
By Jeff
Just the reference "Scammedbyawoman" says so much as to how guys feel. I read with great interest the above and found myself enthralled and enlightened. Previously, I thought I knew so much but you added another dimension to my shortsightedness. For instance, the psychological implication of the woman ginning weight and then not feel sexy so they don't have sex. I'd previously thought it was just a loss leader, In other words, I'd thought women only slim down and have sex to "catch" a man. One the "I do's" are uttered, they revert to their own laziness and lack of desire. They stop having sex because they now have their meal ticket and need not perform and they can now eat like a truck driver as they've already got your legal promise to pay them for the rest of their lives. Then, of course, they'll have sex with someone--not the husband , of course, as this is their way of feeling sexy and this is now just for fun. Which, as the husband, I thought that's what the sex between us was. I thought they wanted to have sex with me because they loved me. Only to discover they just wanted the security I offered. No more going to the gym. They just reminisce as to how they used to look. They have their girlfriends whom they'll go out looking for a guy to pay attention to them because I'm too busy trying to pay the bills. After a time and much investment, they leave taking half of everything. They get the assets and I get the bills. Is it no wonder a guy goes out looking for a younger, hotter woman to replace the fat, undersexed woman they're stuck with? After all, even if the wife of 20 years wants to have sex with you, why would I want her at 180 or 240 pounds? Age is not important but how they take care of themselves is. I'm 61 and I still work out daily. So, I, like many others my age figure, if I'm going to get raked over the coals, I may as well have a young, hottie for a few months, years, then at least I have the memory of how hot she was. I'm still going to be in pain but now the pain is equaled by the memory of how hot she was. I know how shallow that is. But relationships, at least in Southern California, are like that. I want what I see on the movie screens. No, they don't have to be hot or have the big tits, but that waist to hip ratio is truly the measurement we most desire. I'm divorced and prefer to stay single. Money, or the appearance of having it enables me to date many younger women. Yes, again, I realize how shallow that is. But money makes a guy look so hot. That's the truth for Southern California, perhaps elsewhere as well but I live here. I date women in their thirties. I've had women in their twenties ask about me when they discovered I had broken up with my last girlfriend. Is this my imagination or am I making this up. NO! I just accept the cards dealt to me. Women have made the rules and the guys adapt. So tell me how wrong I am but nothing measures a man more then his success.
I'm was a romantic. Woman have broken me of that notion.
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Sunday 25 October
By kayla held
wooo...you are in a mess...
If you ever really want to talk to a real woman...who wares her heart on her sleave...never lies...not even a white lie...I am open for a chat...I am a giver...not a taker...you have nothen I want..but sure sounds like you could use some lady to talk to...just easy talk..I dont live in your area..but it doesnt mater...
I am who i persent my self to be...I am one of a kind...as a lady...
I want you to know..this is the fist time..ever..ever..i have answered something like this..
but wooo..you need a friend...a lady friend..that is stright and honest...
If you would like..drop me a line..of not...all i can say..stay strong..believe in your self..and do give in to takers...of women...
this is a frist...
Kayla
Sunday 25 October
By carl kinney
You have told much truth southern Californian. I hope I am as brave to date as you when 61 comes around. I am bout middle age now;47 and wonder where the hell is the kindest girl who I can recipricate with on a friendship level in order to fall in love, mutually. Doesn't everyone want to fall in love, besides gettting their rocks off? Been married ten years and know what it is to cry on the nite of the honeymoon unfortunately. Fortunately, I got out of that marriage and am still trying to understand why I went that route in the 1st place. When it would probably been better to just remain friends as long as I could.Your love is never lost when you know who you are. I'm just glad to get rid of the baggages and move on to a lighter load. In a way I enjoy singlehood and continue to honor my individuality in every situation. Sometimes living to be looking is to much work in this human (animal) kingdom. That is how underhanded some people very close to you can be when they're just there for what they want.
Monday 26 October
By Lily
Not all women in Southern Cali are like that. I can honestly say that I have NEVER dated a man for financial reasons, and I am MORE than hot enough to do it if I wished. I have more respect for myself than that. So, while yes, there are plenty of vapid bimbos in So. Cal., don't say that the majority are this way. The rest of the nation has a poor view of California because of these types of comments.
Sunday 25 October
By Ms Nona yourbusiness
Wow, some people have had some really bad luck. Sex is a very important part of marital life, not the primary part, but still. If a woman wants monogamy she needs to give the man a reason to be monogamous. A man needs to be held too ya know. Maybe there's a reason a woman doesn't want to get it on, and that needs to be respected, but a girl needs to remember males aren't rocks. Sex should never just be physical, it's about a connection between two people. It's compromise that makes marriage work, and that involves ye ole sex life as well. One partner may just not be in the mood most of the time, but both are going to have to work together about that. Cutting a guy off cold turkey is just as bad as a guy taking what he wants when he wants it.
I remember taking some philosophy class and reading the works of a monk bloke named Aquinas. He said it was part of a wife's duty to be attractive to her man, so he wouldn't be lead astray by another woman. Being slouchy and lazy because they "bagged" you is as disgusting as marrying her 'cause she's hot or she gives you free sex.
You guys just looked in the wrong place, many "hot" girls know they're attractive, and will sell to the highest bidder. They may like you, but they don't have unconditional love. Maybe you blokes don't either. Both genders can, and often do, abuse their partner's love and trust. I hope you meet women who are not demonstrations of pathetic, shallow stupidity.
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Sunday 25 October
By big dick
what the fuck,could you write anymore!