I've been in New York for about two weeks, and I finally found a little time to sit down and really talk to New York. Not about New York, mind you. To it.

'Cause trust me, New York talks back. For real! Look -- here's a transcript:

New York: CJ, it's so great to have you here. It's like all these years New York was just missing something. Then you showed up, and it's like everything just started clicking. There's less horn honking, crime is down, and lights are green all over the city!

CJ Arabia: (Blushing humbly) Well, I think it's my laid-back California vibe that has really turned things in this city around.

NYC: Speaking of which, I've got a few questions for you.

CJ: Fantastic. I love answering questions about myself!

NYC: Is it true that you don't watch the weather report in Los Angeles? I heard the weather is so good out there that you guys don't even check to see what the next day will bring.

CJ: Funny you should ask, and several of you have asked me this on the street. The truth is that I never really thought about it, but no, I don't personally watch the weather report. But then again, I also don't watch the news, so ...

NYC: How do you celebrate Columbus Day in California?

CJ: We don't.

NYC: No parade?

CJ: No parade. No day off. NOTHING. Even the Post Office is open!

NYC: You must not appreciate Italian-Americans like we do. That's probably why you guys have sh**ty pizza out there.

CJ: Don't talk sh** about Pizza Hut. They're good.

NYC: Aren't you glad to be out of California? I mean, with the fires and the earthquakes, the mudslides when it rains, the bad pizza and the smog ... how anyone can stay there is beyond me.

CJ: Actually the fires don't really affect that many people on a personal level. The smog sucks, but then we have the beaches and the mountains and the desert. It's a fair trade.

NYC: Well, I just don't know how people live out there.

CJ: Don't people die every year in the northeast just because it gets cold? I mean, I'll take the occasional high smog index over frostbite any day. Winter happens EVERY YEAR -- and California's natural disasters aren't nearly that frequent. Far fewer people die from quakes and fires in California than the cold. So get off your high horse, New York.

NYC: You know what? You're right. I'm being judgmental. I'm sure California is just as good as New York. (Here, New York tries to hide a smile, fails.) I'm sorry, my fingers were crossed.

CJ: I knew it!


To Do: Get a slice of pizza, and check the weather report. Or not.