At 2:00 a.m. on any given night, my cell phone can be found vibrating off the nightstand. I'll usually catch it just before it falls off the edge and pick it up. "Hello?" I'll ask warily.
I'll hear sniffles, sobs and a lot of blubbering. This is not a good sign. Then, "It's me."
It may not be the same friend calling, but the stories never seem to vary. "We broke up. I don't know how it happened. It was just so fast. Another argument. I don't know."
They always call me, and always with a remarkably similar set of relationship woes. One friend once told me that if all else failed, I should become a relationship counselor. I was an excellent listener, she explained, and I possessed an objectivity which the vast majority of people out there lacked.
Why? Because I identify as asexual, meaning I'm not interested in sex or being in a relationship. At all.
By definition, an asexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction in any form. In his famous report on sexuality, Alfred Kinsey estimated that a little more than 1 percent of the population could be classified "asexual," and more recent studies put the number in that neighborhood but suggest there are more who can't, won't or don't identify as such.
I first realized that I was asexual a few years ago, when a friend noted that I never showed interest in men or women. "You're indifferent to most of the relationships you have been in," she'd said. "Is it possible that you're asexual?" I'd never really given a name to it, but I knew she was right. I've honestly never been interested in any member of the same or opposite sex in a way that is even close to romantic.
I'm Asexual, but I'm Not a Robot
This is not to say that I have no appreciation at all for what is physically beautiful or aesthetically appealing in others. In the past, I have often tried to imagine myself with the people that I have shown some kind of interest in, but I realized in retrospect that this "attraction" was never more than friendly or purely appreciative. I can certainly admire the looks of an attractive person, but I feel no sexual or romantic desire for them.
It gets thrown into sharp focus sometimes. On a recent trip to the beach, my friends put on their bikinis, slathered themselves in oil and worried about angling themselves in the most flattering positions for passing dudes. Clothes don't make me feel sexy (uh, nothing does) so I dressed in a T-shirt and shorts, equally indifferent to the bodies around me, whether it's was men with washboard abs and surfboards or girls doing acrobatic things to get their attention. My friends don't understand -- but I just laugh and roll my eyes. It's almost kind of a good feeling to know that I have a life that doesn't involve the constant pursuit of sex.
I May Be the Only One, but I'm OK With It
I know that it shocks people, but I don't consider being asexual anything remotely controversial or upsetting. If anything, I feel like it's prevented a lot of unnecessary drama in my life. I could never imagine myself in the same state that my friends are in when they call me up crying at two in the morning. I know that there are people who have struggled with their sexuality, and been tormented by it, but it means so little to me that I didn't even think about it until my friend mentioned it.
In many ways, I believe it has actually benefited me. By being indifferent to romantic relationships, I'm able to spend my 20s channeling that energy into other activities, like writing. That being said, I don't think that being asexual requires any awareness or even personal pride. I am perfectly comfortable with my lack of sexual inclination, but I'm not losing any rights because of it or struggling for any kind of social equality. So, while I don't expect everybody to understand what it's like to be asexual, it also helps that I don't care if they do or not.
Katherine Chen is a student and writer who blogs for several professional Web sites and online magazines.












Comments:
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Wednesday 28 October
By Kya
This is psychologically proven to be suppressed sexuality, which can have severe psychological effects. Sex is the drive and that us why humans need to show interest in it. I'd recommend seeing a professional.
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Friday 30 October
By JR
To the person who said that asexual is not normal because we humans are geared to pass on our genes:
"Normal" in the statistical sense, meaning "the majority," of course it's not -- statistically, heterosexual marriage is normal because it's the most common option.
"Not normal" as in, "you should get some treatment for that" -- now with that I wouldn't agree. Asexuality is one way of opting out of the sex-delusion Western society has engulfed itself in. Better to be asexual than to be omnisexual.
Oh, and I wouldn't worry about the survival of the species. If 1% decide not to make any babies, then there's the rest of us to make up for that. I have three of my own, so I guess I had mine and Katherine's :-D
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Friday 30 October
By Anonymous
I agree with the comment that lack of sexual desire can result from birth control. I had this happen with the pill. I've also had friends who said their desire went down while using the pill as well. My doctor said it is possible side effect, and would probably occur with any brand. This is not something you hear about unless you experience it and ask about it. This article was really interesting. While I don't know if being asexual is normal, it is certainly not the worst quality a person could have, unless everybody started being that way!
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Friday 30 October
By johnJOHN
hey i just realized im an asexual, i wish i knew another asexual, preferably a girl so we could talk about what its like to be asexual...then hopefully have sex.
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Sunday 01 November
By Jay
Normal is what is normal for you. If you don't have a problem with it then there is no problem. Other people seem to like to infuse themselves in other peoples lives.
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Sunday 01 November
By jessica
i can very much relate to this article myself! i am also a asexual. i am a hetrosexual asexual, and i experince attraction, just not 'sexual' atrraction. i wish people on here stop judging so harshly on this topic. asexual people are completely normal and healthy!
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Sunday 01 November
By James DeVoy
I think Morrissey has been blessed, who wants to have their heart ripped out by another persons rejection and lack of attraction to you after she gave you her sole? I have been hurt beyond comfortable recovery by one only. After 28 years I still can dream and wake up in a panic to have this long lost love melt in my arms while awakening from a wonderful dream. I am in Love now with the girl who rescued me from my darkest time. We have been married 18 years and have two beautiful little kids, when I love someone, truly love them, I cant turn that off, how could I? Hurt once was enough for me, lucky to have found my savior and my wife, while I was wanting to die. My love never dies, so I live with a ghostly memory of my first love, the love where I did everything possible wrong. I hope one day to find peace between her and me.
I would much rather stand on the sidelines than suffer the painful loss of a true love.
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Sunday 01 November
By Laura
I think only a person knows what they are and you shouldn't bother with it. Especially asexuals, because they seem just like good, listening people who do absolutely no harm to anyone (not that they can't do bad things, just like everyone else) and you shouldn't bash on people who do absolutely nothing to you and who just confess something they are born to be.
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Tuesday 03 November
By 99ppp
I can see there being advantages and disadvantages to this condition, and nothing to be ashamed... or proud of.
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Saturday 07 November
By L
What do you write about if you have no interest in emotions?
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Monday 09 November
By Nadine Esnard
I do believe in an asexual person and i can really identify with any one that consider themselves asexual. i have had several relationship and this is one of the reasons why non of them was successful. i have tried being intimate but i find no pleasure in it at all. for some reason i thought that i had a problem and have cried about it. But the truth still remains that I feel better being out of a relationship than being in one.
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Tuesday 10 November
By alasdair
Nadine, 'Asexual' is being used here mostly as a label, and it is hardly a good idea to label yourself, or accept other people's labels. You can be reassured by people's honest description of their experience, without accepting an attached label. If you think labelling human beings is helpful, make sure you are confident in your understanding of that everyday label: 'normal'. The most rigorous description of the concept normal, in the context of animal behaviour, is that set of traits or attributes which are not classed as abnormal or deviant. It is neither abnormal nor deviant for a human being to have no sexual interest in other human beings. Neither (unfortunately) is it abnormal or deviant for people to judge others negatively, simply for being different from the norm.
Tuesday 10 November
By alasdair
Nadine, 'Asexual' is being used here mostly as a label, and it is hardly a good idea to label yourself, or accept other people's labels. You can be reassured by people's honest description of their experience, without accepting an attached label. If you think labelling human beings is helpful, make sure you are confident in your understanding of that everyday label: 'normal'. The most rigorous description of the concept normal, in the context of animal behaviour, is that set of traits or attributes which are not classed as abnormal or deviant. It is neither abnormal nor deviant for a human being to have no sexual interest in other human beings. Neither (unfortunately) is it abnormal or deviant for people to judge others negatively, simply for being different from the norm.
Tuesday 10 November
By alasdair
Nadine, 'Asexual' is being used here mostly as a label, and it is hardly a good idea to label yourself, or accept other people's labels. You can be reassured by people's honest description of their experience, without accepting an attached label. If you think labelling human beings is helpful, make sure you are confident in your understanding of that everyday label: 'normal'. The most rigorous description of the concept normal, in the context of animal behaviour, is that set of traits or attributes which are not classed as abnormal or deviant. It is neither abnormal nor deviant for a human being to have no sexual interest in other human beings. Neither (unfortunately) is it abnormal or deviant for people to judge others negatively, simply for being different from the norm.
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Thursday 19 November
By lida
I just found a wonderful place Richmeeting.c o m where you can meet wealthy single men and gorgeous single women for chat, email dating, romance and more.
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Thursday 19 November
By Andrew
I recently discovered I was asexual.
I thought it was a normal thing for a guy to go on date with women, fall in love, have a girlfriend.
I even started getting depressed about not having a girlfriend.
Then I went on some dates.
I have been on many dates with some beautiful women and I never felt anything. I thought maybe these people were the not the right type for me. But I felt nothing. I even felt depressed being with them.
At least now I know who I am.
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Tuesday 10 May
By Kaz
you are not alone, I have been not on dates and men are lucky if they get a kiss good night.
Sex or intamate on occasions but it is out of obligaion to love.
Monday 23 November
By Paul
My libido has steadily declined since age 18, but took a nose dive after I hit 31. I'm 37 now and have very little sex drive. Nope, I'm not on the infamous sex drive-killing SSRIs.
Maybe age does that to some people? I am also tired of getting burned by women, so maybe that is the main reason. I am also vegetarian (vegan) and have heard that can kill libido.
I don't know. It is good to be asexual. Who wants to bring a child up in this world anyway? Also, I can think about the tasks at hand instead of my mind being in the gutter like when I was younger.
It is like being liberated.
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Saturday 05 December
By TheGoddessMaria
This was a refreshing read. I was randomly directed to this blog, and it's quite the coincidence, as I was over at asexual.org (or something similar) earlier this week. My whole life is all about sex, as I work in the sex industry. (I am not an entertainer!)
The world must look bizarre to folks NOT obsessed with sex!
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Sunday 06 December
By Alexandra
Hey, i hope its not too late to be commenting. I'm 21 and I recently came to the conclusion that I'm asexual. But now that I am- its tough. I'm finding it tough to relate to any of my friends, and I'm alienating myself. How do you deal with it?
Finding someone else who's also asexual is very difficult. I'm not sure I want to be alone, but it's tough t find someone to relate to- and it makes me feel like there's something wrong with what I am sometimes, even though I agree with you and don't think its bad to not want sex.
What do you do to cope with the other 99% of the population without feeling like a complete outsider?
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