At 2:00 a.m. on any given night, my cell phone can be found vibrating off the nightstand. I'll usually catch it just before it falls off the edge and pick it up. "Hello?" I'll ask warily.
I'll hear sniffles, sobs and a lot of blubbering. This is not a good sign. Then, "It's me."
It may not be the same friend calling, but the stories never seem to vary. "We broke up. I don't know how it happened. It was just so fast. Another argument. I don't know."
They always call me, and always with a remarkably similar set of relationship woes. One friend once told me that if all else failed, I should become a relationship counselor. I was an excellent listener, she explained, and I possessed an objectivity which the vast majority of people out there lacked.
Why? Because I identify as asexual, meaning I'm not interested in sex or being in a relationship. At all.
By definition, an asexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction in any form. In his famous report on sexuality, Alfred Kinsey estimated that a little more than 1 percent of the population could be classified "asexual," and more recent studies put the number in that neighborhood but suggest there are more who can't, won't or don't identify as such.
I first realized that I was asexual a few years ago, when a friend noted that I never showed interest in men or women. "You're indifferent to most of the relationships you have been in," she'd said. "Is it possible that you're asexual?" I'd never really given a name to it, but I knew she was right. I've honestly never been interested in any member of the same or opposite sex in a way that is even close to romantic.
I'm Asexual, but I'm Not a Robot
This is not to say that I have no appreciation at all for what is physically beautiful or aesthetically appealing in others. In the past, I have often tried to imagine myself with the people that I have shown some kind of interest in, but I realized in retrospect that this "attraction" was never more than friendly or purely appreciative. I can certainly admire the looks of an attractive person, but I feel no sexual or romantic desire for them.
It gets thrown into sharp focus sometimes. On a recent trip to the beach, my friends put on their bikinis, slathered themselves in oil and worried about angling themselves in the most flattering positions for passing dudes. Clothes don't make me feel sexy (uh, nothing does) so I dressed in a T-shirt and shorts, equally indifferent to the bodies around me, whether it's was men with washboard abs and surfboards or girls doing acrobatic things to get their attention. My friends don't understand -- but I just laugh and roll my eyes. It's almost kind of a good feeling to know that I have a life that doesn't involve the constant pursuit of sex.
I May Be the Only One, but I'm OK With It
I know that it shocks people, but I don't consider being asexual anything remotely controversial or upsetting. If anything, I feel like it's prevented a lot of unnecessary drama in my life. I could never imagine myself in the same state that my friends are in when they call me up crying at two in the morning. I know that there are people who have struggled with their sexuality, and been tormented by it, but it means so little to me that I didn't even think about it until my friend mentioned it.
In many ways, I believe it has actually benefited me. By being indifferent to romantic relationships, I'm able to spend my 20s channeling that energy into other activities, like writing. That being said, I don't think that being asexual requires any awareness or even personal pride. I am perfectly comfortable with my lack of sexual inclination, but I'm not losing any rights because of it or struggling for any kind of social equality. So, while I don't expect everybody to understand what it's like to be asexual, it also helps that I don't care if they do or not.
Katherine Chen is a student and writer who blogs for several professional Web sites and online magazines.












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Wednesday 14 October
By chris
i'm curious - do asexual people never have any sexual desire? no urge to masturbate even?
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Wednesday 14 October
By Julie
Yes, that's the point. Every sexual thought you have, which you think is totally normal (it is), they don't have.
Thursday 15 October
By DJS
You know Chris, for me, not only can I relate to this writer, but yes, I don't need to masterbate because I don't feel any reason to.
Usually when you are sexually attracted to others, there is a sexual component to it, but it you don't have this attraction, then there is no sexual anything.
And I feel completely fine with it. I don't have any drama in my life and like this writer stated, I too have been told I'm a good listener and I'm the first person they've been able to talk about anything with. I guess thats a positive thing that comes from being an a-sexual? I'm not in love with myself by any means and if I was I'm sure I would be primping in the mirror and kissing myself, but I don't dress to attract, I just dress to cover my body and not break any laws. That said, I'm really glad I read this article because it answers a lot of questions that I never understood about myself until now...I know what to call it.
Monday 19 October
By Jason Rosenfeld
Hey so i'm 95% sure that you are my teacher, how will this effect the outcome of the semester?
Saturday 27 February
By Chix
Yes and no. I consider myself asexual but I masturbate sometimes because sometimes (rarely) I get sexually "worked up". The only difference is it's never really about a person, I just feel the need sometimes. I have tried to make myself excited about the thought of sex, but honestly when I do I feel less like myself. My way of thinking about it is, I would be perfectly happy if I never knew sex existed. ;P
Saturday 18 December
By Awsm4all
Some do, but masturbation falls under the category of sexual desire rather than sexual attraction. To many people, it's about a bodily function that feels good. They don't attach special meaning to it. When the job gets done, they get up and do something else. It depends on the person.
Friday 25 March
By me
Some asexuals have a sex drive and masturbate; others, like me, don't.
Thursday 15 October
By nds
A scenario of women slathering themselves with oil and adjusting their poses for men on a beach is not a very good example of an activity you have not interest in participating in. None of that would make me feel very sexy either.
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Saturday 17 October
By Jan
Actually nds, I think it is an excellent example. I could picture it perfectly and I think something like that could be almost the epitome of what Ms. Chen is trying to express. It shows an exaggeration and I would imagine that a lot of the preparations for flirting and gaining attention seem very exaggerated to an asexual person.
I don't know the statistics but in my experience there are a lot more asexual folks around than I would have ever guessed. I know a few and it amazes me. Articles like this help me understand how they may view things a little better. I say "may" because it seems likely there are as many different sorts of asexuals asthere are hetero or homosexuals.
Friday 16 October
By Elisa
I really liked this article. My hero (Nikola Tesla) was asexual. That probably sounds stupid. Any hozzle, very insightful (I think that's the word). I wish I could says something more profound.
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Thursday 15 October
By mimi
What bearing does lack of interest in sex have on your desire to make a conventional family, to have children? Would you do create a family with a partner or in a communal situation? Or do children not interest you?
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Thursday 15 October
By DJS
Hi Mimi,
I would consider myself A-sexual although when I was younger I was in relationships. It always ended with me feeling a lack of interest sexually.
But, I still felt a love for them. But more like a friendly love, or even brotherly or sisterly love. This same thing repeated itself in the next relationship.
Then I never would go out to find another, if it happened, it happened but not by persuing. When my biological clock began screaming at me, I was not in a relationship, so I purposely met a male worker and became romantic with him until I became pregnant. (Please don't bother with all the warnings etc, this is an open forum and I'm just trying to answer truthfully this persons question).
I had a son, the father was around when he felt like it, but never took it seriously which was fine with me. My son is now a pre-med student at the University and doing very well. I think because I never felt anything toward wanting relationships with others, this helped keep any drama or problems into our household and therefore home was a safe place for him to grow up in. I'm proud of myself, I did it without a partner and he has no issues with this at all.
He is attracted to girls, but he said he isn't in any hurry and is still a virgin. Is it possible he may be the same way? I don't know but being a pre-med student, he said it helps him keep focus on his studies since he said he has seen the drama that relationships causes at the dorm he lives in. So, after my son left for college the question came up about "Will I start searching for a mate"? The answer is I don't feel any reason to. I simply live alone and feel ok with that.
I hope this has helped answer about the marriage and children question.
Thursday 15 October
By Marc
i know 2 people that have the same problem!!!!!!!!!!!! and yes its's not normal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Friday 16 October
By Jessica
I totally agree that it's not normal. Humans are animals with the instinct to pass on their genes. That's life. At the same time, that is an abnormal quality that doesn't sound too bad to have. Alot less drama, no unnecissary heart ache...as long as it's a small amount of people who have this "abnormality" then I think that is awesome. Hell I wish all of my friends were asexual, that would be so nice for me. Lol.
Saturday 17 October
By Jan
I believe their "problem" is a lot more normal than your comment. Who are you to judge what is normal? It may not be the usual, but that's all it is, unusual, not abnormal. Clearly though, you have a problem with it and I'm sure others do, but as you've just read, those affected don't. I think they are quite fortunate.
Thursday 15 October
By Roxanna
OMG you offensive person you. how dare you not be interested in mating practices! AS HUMANS, IT IS OUR DUTY TO REPRODUCE AND POPULATE THE PLANET.
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Sunday 18 October
By Jennifer
This world is so over populated, and full of people that don't take care of their own as it is. I can relate to someone who is asexual.
Saturday 31 October
By Sanaya
lol that duty has been over-rated and over-done already !! lady. You mean OVERPOPULATED !! Human species has over done the "populating duty" to all exclusion of all other species ...living beings ...animal world and are well on their way to annihilating rain forests and the whole earth with this DUTY ....lol I say POWER towards all of human race becoming asexual....how much more of an intellectual and logical species would we be.....wow. Asexual - It sounds so advanced objective and would make a human race a far superior species like worker ants.....they just need a few to carry on the race btw....not all of it. Dutifully populating the world ....lol why they( all other species of plant and animal) would all carry on just fine without the human race but i cannot say the same for our own species. :)
Wednesday 15 June
By Nikki
I can totally related to this ....I have often had the urge to google about "asexuality"; but never really did it. Really glad to read this !
Friday 16 October
By dietcherry
I thought I was becoming asexual because I had lost all desire for sex until I found out I am one of the women whom have that reaction to birth control, namely the Depo shot. It killed my sex drive. After quitting the shot, my sex drive still never returned to normal. Beware, ladies! This is something not talked about. It cost me my marriage.
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