One of the best parts of having a platonic guy friend is having a go-to for the male perspective. And now I'm going to share my guy friend, Peter, with the world -- by answering your questions and then getting his take."I've been dating a guy for the last month. After just two weeks, though, he said 'I love you.' I really, really like this guy but in my opinion, it's way too soon for the L-word. I didn't say it back, and now I'm freaked out that he's waiting for me to return his affections." -- Sara, 25
Peter: Wait a second, who does that?
Kristen: Oh, I've had it happen not once, but twice, so I know how it feels. You think everything is going great with this new boy because you're obviously in the honeymoon stage, then boom. Too soon!
They had never seen my temper, we hadn't had our first argument, and I still popped gum in my mouth upon waking to avoid morning breath. I feel like saying "I love you" that soon is cheating and kind of copping out of actually loving someone because you're not giving the best and worst sides of each other a chance to mesh.
When this happened to me, I think I smiled politely and said something along the lines of 'no, you don't ...'
Peter: You may feel lust, and even strong like, but love is when you argue with someone and are still there for them no matter what. It's dead honesty and you shouldn't even have to say it because you know it's there. Maybe this is something some guys think girls want to hear? But using the word 'love' without that deep down feeling of actual love is an insecurity -- he needs to know you feel the same way.
This could be the beginning of the end if you don't straighten things out with him. If both people aren't on the same page for this huge milestone it becomes a struggle. And you should not say it back if you don't feel it.
Or you can just drop the best line ever: "Me too ..."
Kristen: That would go over great! But I'm afraid I have to agree with Peter on this one. I'm not going to say the relationship is going to end, but it could get worse before it starts getting better. Hearing "I love you" when you're not ready to hear it creates an unspoken rift. It's thrown off balance.
You don't want to feel pressured into feeling something that isn't there yet, and you need to tell him that. Otherwise you'll end up like I did, feeling suffocated and running as fast as you can in the opposite direction. Explain to him why you're not ready to say -- let alone hear -- "I love you," but make sure he knows it doesn't mean you want the relationship to end.
Peter: Be up front, but do it nicely. Ultimately you'll have to figure out a way to find that natural balance again, and that'll take some time. If he's rushing you after you've let him know how you feel, kick him to the curb because odds are he's a serious clinger and you want nothing to do with him!
Tell us: Have you been the victim of a much too soon L-bomb dropping? How did you handle the situation?
Kristen Rollins blogs about relationships for Lemondrop and would appreciate it if her next boyfriend took his time when it came to uttering the words "I love you." Peter Fertiguena runs Academy Printwear and swears it would take him at least six months ... If you have a question you'd like Kristen and Peter to answer leave it in the comments!
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Wednesday 14 October
By mandy
when i first met my current boyfriend he dropped the L-word about a month into dating, knowing full well that i inteded our relationship to be a fling, i had a trip planned for months in advance to see another guy. but he pressed on, asked me to move in with him (he has been divorced twice and is 7 yrs older than me) i sat him down and told him i didnt feel the same, i broke up with him to go on my trip and when i came back i found out he had been at my house the whole time i was gone hanging out with my family! i ran into him constantly and he looked like a sad puppy so finally we got back together and moved in together 6 months later and we have been together now for a year and a half. and i love him more than ever, he just had to convince me of that, funny.
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Wednesday 14 October
By E
I don't know if I have a question or a comment.
My ex and I knew each other and were friends for a couple months before we started dating. So when we said i love you soon into it, it didn't feel abnormal. I knew a lot of his secrets and weaknesses... and he knew mine.
But we knew the filtered version. We knew what we told each other, not what we had experienced. When a couple months into it, he let me see his temper, and ended things with me out of nowhere... and continued to periodically for almost a year.
When he would lose his temper, he would insult me and criticize my actions and behaviors—and even my past relationships. It hurt, but yet I still loved him. Although I hadn't waited to see this, I loved him unconditionally...
and stupidly, as no one deserves to love someone who abuses them.
And now he has a new GF to which after six weeks, they talk about being together forever (which he did with me too in a lesser amount of time) and he has begun to take out his temper on her and take out his insecurities on her.
Maybe one day he will not say the three magic words until he is sure he knows who the person is, if he can accept their past and he is secure enough to maybe be single for more than, lets say, a couple months...
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Monday 26 October
By Crystal Counsel
E wrote, "Maybe one day he will not say the three magic words until he is sure he knows who the person is ... "
I agree and would like to add: " ... and until he is sure he knows himself".
Friday 16 October
By cai
GOD I LOVE PETER!!!
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Friday 16 October
By D
I was seeing a guy for months. Yeah we would have sex, we went out, sleep over at eachothers places, Damn, now that i think of it...its called dating! =/. He said I was his number one girl, we NEVER made it official (boooo!) Yeah we liked eachother, but I was also dating other guys at the time. We were having sex (by the way it only lasted 7 minutes, and that's including the foreplay; i kept track, sad huh?!?!) So anyway On the 5 minute mark, I heard him whispering in my ear...all I heard was mumble, I said "Huh?!" while he keep "pumping" he mumbled again....I said " huh?"...He mumbled again, I said " I dont understand you, talk right!" He pulled his head up & said " I love you baby, I fucking love you" I stayed quiet for a milli-second- I laughed and said " did you just say you love me?!?!" ....By then we hit the 7 minute mark, so we were done....I asked him again, "you just said you love me" His response was " uh, hmmm, uh, Yeah, I love you as a friend" We talked for a bit and went home. He rarely calls now....Damn, me and my thinking out loud, we could of had something!!!
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Friday 23 October
By alex
I met this guy back in July and we started talking mid august and went out for the first time before school started in September. Two weeks into school we had already been on three dates and i was crushing. thanksgiving weekend in October (two weeks ago) he asked me to be his girl and i am so happy with him so i said yes. that night he said i love you. i avoided it because i didn't think much of it. he's been dropping the L word every now and then. A few days after we became official he said it and i replied "me too..." and it was fine. And just last night actually when i didn't say it back (through text messaging), i felt like he was upset. i asked him if really bothered him i didn't say it and he said forget it. so i told him up front that i like him a lot and its cool that he says it but i'm not ready to. he never replied and i haven't heard from him. So i guess saying "me too.." is better than not saying it at all.
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Saturday 24 October
By FawnGilmoreKraut.wordpress.com
Wow! Reading your blog, Kristen and Peter, I remember how awkward and uncomfortable it made me feel during my dating years, when I was just getting to know a guy and he would tell me he loved me. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, but it would through a wrench into the relationship that I just wasn't ready for. I would suddenly feel pressured to respond in-kind, or to just end it right there. I needed time to "fall in love", and I wanted way more trust in our relationship before pushing it into another level.
I've been happily married now for nine years. The man I married was one of my best friends for a good five years before we got serious. I knew he loved me from the beginning, but he knew I wasn't ready for that. He respected my feelings and remained my good friend for all that time. He waited for me to "come around", which I finally did. Now THAT is real love.
Fawn Gilmore Kraut,cpcc
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Thursday 05 November
By Julie
Be careful when someone says these words too soon! They are looking for something-an ego stroke, relief from loneliness, sex- and most likely you are only a temporary fix to a much bigger problem. When my ex-fiance said he loved me after 8 days (!) a little tiny voice went off in my head, but I ignored that red flag because I cared about him and wanted to see where things went. Now, a year later, he has walked out but tried to waltz back into my life no less than 3 times...in between attempting to reconcile with his ex-wife, flirting with multiple women, drinking excessively,etc. I hope someday he finds what he is looking for, b/c it's obviously not me. If I had listened to my gut on that day he dropped the L-bomb, I'd have run for the door and never looked back.
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Wednesday 09 December
By Sajib
Our relationship turned serious with that I LOVE YOU thing right after one month of virtual dating. Yes, virtual dating, because we both don't live in the same country. She's been living in another country for her study, and won't be back till 3 more years. Now, we've already passed one year. Last december was when our relationship began. We've seen each other's rough times. We've come through many difficult arguments. Still, we still love each other like the first day in love we did. So, I'm expecting a happy future with her. Wish me all the best. :-)
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