The mostly harmless television network Spike
recently ran an article on its blog listing their nominees for Top Ten Actresses Past Their Expiration Date
. Some of the girls over here at Lemondrop got a little annoyed
, because the list included youngish women like Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore instead of more obvious choices like, say, Olivia de Havilland. (Stop trying to make "Gone With the Wind II" happen, Olivia, you're 93.)
What Spike means by "expiration date" isn't clear, since their picks range in age from 22 to 47, and some are beautiful and still making lots of money. The list isn't all that funny and the language is a liiiiiiittle unpleasant. But we figure if we're going to expend energy on a response to this, we'd point out that some comparable male actors are also past their prime. And that Spike's writer, Nathan Bloch, is wearing a track suit in his author photo. Cough.
10. Spike's Pick:
Nicole Kidman. Spike explains that "her face has begun to look like an evil bubble."
Nicolas Cage. His hair looks like a snood
made out of the clog from a prison shower drain.
9. Spike's Pick:
Teri Hatcher. Spike calls her "a scary mix between Michael Jackson and the mummy of King Tut."
Christian Slater. He's got more botulism in his face than a swollen can of corn rotting in a hobo camp.
8. Spike's Pick:
Drew Barrymore. Spike demands, "Get this woman in the plus-size section of a JCPenney catalogue, stat!"
Leonardo DiCaprio. If we're going to talk puffiness here, Leo is talented, but come on. He looks like a giant baby.
7. Spike's Pick:
Helen Hunt. Spike worries that she's "an emaciated victim of malnutrition on the brink of death."
Colin Farrell. Once so pretty, now desperately needs a croissant IV.
6. Spike's Pick:
Renee Zellweger. Spike creatively criticizes her "squinty-eyed circle of a face" and "stupid movies."
Jim Carrey. All that facial stretching has finally caught up with him. Also, "The Number 23
5. Spike's Pick:
Lindsay Lohan. Spike laments that she's always "in rehab or banging up her brand new zillion dollar car."
Shia LaBeouf. Dude got arrested for being drunk in a Walgreens. And he wants to do his mom
. (That said, we'd still hit it.)
4. Spike's Pick:
Sarah Jessica Parker. Spike lyrically notes that she "makes their retinas puke."
Mickey Rourke. If we're going to "retinal puke" town? He looks like he's been sculpted out of salmon mousse.
3. Spike's Pick:
Meg Ryan. Spike (OK, pretty accurately) notes that she's "all puffed up and de-wrinkled from Botox."
John Travolta. Hey, what's John Travolta doing? Is he -- is he taking his shirt off? Is he rea -- Wait! Stop! John! No! AUGH!
2. Spike's Pick:
Cameron Diaz. Spike gently observes that she "looks like a worn-in baseball glove when she smiles."
Jude Law. Not hot since "Enemy at the Gates
" and his hairline is making a break for it.
1. Spike's Pick:
Julia Roberts. Spike: "People have already begun to show less interest in her films and the studios will soon realize they can't bank upon her appeal."
Tom Cruise. The man has eight projects in development. Why? Who is still going to see this man's movies? Did you see "The Last Samurai
"? You did? Why did you do that? Don't encourage him!
Think a particular actor should give up and move to Texas like the crazy lady who played Blair on "The Facts of Life?
" Let us know in the comments.
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