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We're pretty sure overshare-y new parents are the worst thing to happen to Facebook since our parents. To that end, today's special guest blogger is B. of STFU, Parents, a painfully hilarious blog dedicated to the parental overshare.I can't count the number of times I've been on Facebook, shaken my head and thought, "I haven't seen you in 10 years, but I know your infant son is constipated?" or "Where did we meet again? And why do I know that your 4-year-old is still breast-feeding?"
You don't have to be a parent to overshare, and not all parents do. But to those moms and dads out there telling the world every detail about little Catharyn or Jackson, this list is for you. Here are the Top 10 Reasons Not to Talk About Your Kid on Facebook:
1. The Gross-Out Factor / I'm Eating Over Here
Just because you're a parent now doesn't mean you're allowed to gross me out. As tempting as it may be to show the world Mackynzie's potty-training accomplishments, her bathroom habits do not qualify as news. And if what you're eating for lunch can be classified as 'afterbirth,' I don't need to know how it was prepared (or that you ate it at all). Keep your gag-worthy observations to yourself, please.
2. Our Parents Didn't Do It
Our parents' generation didn't make daily announcements to all of their friends about diaper explosions, so why should you? "Because I can" isn't an answer. Tell us what we want to hear: First steps, first 'I Love You's. The nice stuff. Then maybe tell us about you. Your friends miss you.
3. No One Cares
Everyone is thrilled you've made the ultimate sacrifice and become a parent. But no one is as thrilled as you are. Keep that in mind.
4. They Will Grow Up to Hate You
There's one sure way to ruin the years of trust you've built with your children, and it's putting their puberty on blast. It is not OK to post about your adolescent daughter's reproductive milestones, nor will your son think it's funny if you joke about his "long showers" on the Internet.
5. We Don't Want to Go to Jail
Your toddler is in a naked phase, and it's totally healthy and adorable. But creepy perverts don't exclusively visit "pervert Web sites," so keep the crotch shots -- innocent as they may seem -- to a minimum. Thanks.
6. You Sound Like an A-hole
Don't bring your child to an adults-only event, and definitely don't brag about it on Facebook. Announcing gift registries when you're pregnant or for your kid's half-birthday party over your status is just plain tacky.
7. Uh, Shouldn't You Be Doing Something Else?
If your child accidentally bonks his head or falls off the couch -- especially while you're on the computer -- it's a bad time to update your status.
8. You're Scaring Us
The girl we were friends with would not upload a birthing video where we can see her "Britney" or photographs of her newborn's "exit." You are frightening your friends. Who are you?
9. It's Just Weird
Starting a Facebook page for your kid is as weird as starting one for your cat. I don't want 8-week-old Elijah to "comment" on my status about health-care reform. And please stop using sonograms or pictures of your kid as your profile image. It's one thing to post a picture of the two of you together; it's another for your identity to completely disappear the minute you get pregnant.
10. Your Child Comes Off as Annoying
Less is more. I'm happy to hear about your child, but using Facebook as a prop to remind me of his every development ("OMG, Aiden just rolled onto his back!!") kind of makes me resent him. Not to mention, why would I want to babysit your rambunctious toddler when I know he prefers to poop in the grass? Some things are better left unsaid.
B. is the author of STFU, Parents, a "public service" humor blog.
More Fun Stuff on the Web:
If State License Plates Told the Truth: "Florida: You Gotta Die Somewhere" (Maxim)
Sleep-walking girlfriend has sex with strangers, but not with her boyfriend. Sucks to be you, buddy. (Blog of Hilarity)
A different kind of Rick Roll (Neatorama)
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Tuesday 08 December
By Iron Empress
ALL of YOU people who hate people's facebook pages on their babies should just SHUT UP and erase your own BORING facebook page, which you probably spend all your time on flattering yourself! You all sound like idiots and a bunch of A - Holes!
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Saturday 26 December
By Anna
The greatest thing about FB is that the user can choose their friends, choose what to read and what to ignore, and choose when and what to say online. (Status or otherwise.) The reason I use FB is to keep up with old friends, some of whom I might not otherwise be able to keep in touch with due to geographical differences, busy schedules, etc. We all have our little quirks, myself included, and if one of my friends has 20 'status' reports in one day, I tend to gloss over them for the most part - whether it's about their children or whatever. I don't have time (or the inclination) to know how 'bored at work' someone is, or 'what (we) had for dinner', etc. In turn, I don't expect all my friends to take an interest in my kids or grandchildren's latest accomplishments, and I don't usually state them on my wall page. Rather, I send a private message to the few particular friends who are actually interested in such things. I'm not perfect, but I try not to judge anyone based on how much time they spend on FB, or myspace, or any other social networking site. Hopefully, they don't judge me, either.
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Thursday 31 December
By Lisa
While some of the more extreme examples in the article are somewhat true. I mean, keep the graphic details to yourself. But FB doesn't exist to make everyone else happy. In fact, if you're connecting with your real friends--the people who are probably following you more closely on FB, they may care about some of the details this article condemns. Yep, I'm a parent. Yes, it's a significant part of my life. If you don't like it, don't be friends with me and live in your yuppie world. It's okay. There's room for both.
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Saturday 02 January
By Lindsey1
People who post feces photos of their kids bowel movments and overshare with disgusting TMI posts on social networking should be mocked. They obviously missed the "manners" teachings everyone else got whilst growing up.
The good parents are the ones who do not post photos of poopy diapers, phtoosof their child's naked private parts, or photos of their child urinating on the laminate floor on networking sites or public forums. They are the ones who know that a vast majority of the population would be disgusted by such things and that by sharing these TMI moments they are showing how lacking in good manners they are.
They seem to think that having a child makes them entitled to break every social rule around and this is a very wrong way of thinking.
The article poster is not slamming all photos and comments about children...just the ones that are way TMI and show parents lacking in manners who think they are entitled because they have kids to disgust everyone they know.
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Monday 27 September
By Sela
If you don't like being mocked for your behavior, don't behave that way. I don't get why people are getting up in arms over being mocked for absolutely ridiculous facebook posting.
My friends are pretty good at this: I have a few friends that have had children. I get to see pictures of cute outfits, haircuts, outings and birthdays. Occasionally, if they reach a milestone (first steps, first words) I'll get to see a short video or status update. But they leave it at that. No poop, no placentae, no vomit. They keep that shit (pun not intended) to themselves.
I don't mind seeing these things, in fact, I look forward to them. I don't like kids but I think my friends have some fucking cute babies. Sometimes before bed, my boyfriend and I snuggle in and go through the new pictures. We personally don't want kids, but we're happy for our friends and enjoy the updates.
But we also get to see the people we became friends with. They post about other things that go on in their adult lives and converse with us on different levels. They're not all about their kids. If they were, then while I'd still be happy for them, there'd be no reason for me to continue the friendship (and frankly, that's kind of weird, don't you think? To be 100% involved with your kids? Didn't you have interests and wants before parenthood? If your life pre-baby was all about baby, then you have a fucking problem and you need therapy. If that hurts your feelings, too bad. You deserve the truth!) And honestly, it would make me question the type of person YOU are. I haven't changed. You did.
My parents weren't all about me: I'm a product of the 90s, and my mom had friends and interests, like reading and painting. My dad likes to watch the History channel. I'm pretty sure they didn't talk about me all the time, in fact, I don't think they brought it up much at all. My parents were friends with my best friend's parents and they were always talking about how special their kid was, how beautiful/smart/talented/etc. So when I was offered a modeling contract (which they turned down, and for the benefit of my own social development, btw) and she didn't, they were bragging even more than usual. Were those people happy? I'm not sure, but we were. Truthfully, that friend grew up to be a spoiled brat who had a nervous breakdown because life bit her in the butt!
Trust me, there *is* a happy medium. If you don't like being blasted by your lack of social decorum, there are a few places you could remove yourself from, like, society.
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