We're pretty sure overshare-y new parents are the worst thing to happen to Facebook since
our parents. To that end, today's special guest blogger is
B. of STFU, Parents, a painfully hilarious blog dedicated to the parental overshare.
I can't count the number of times I've been on Facebook, shaken my head and thought, "I haven't seen you in 10 years, but I know your infant son is constipated?" or "Where did we meet again? And why do I know that your 4-year-old is still breast-feeding?"
You don't have to be a parent to overshare, and not all parents do. But to those moms and dads out there telling the world every detail about little Catharyn or Jackson, this list is for you. Here are the Top 10 Reasons Not to Talk About Your Kid on Facebook:
1. The Gross-Out Factor / I'm Eating Over Here
Just because you're a parent now doesn't mean you're allowed to gross me out. As tempting as it may be to show the world Mackynzie's potty-training accomplishments, her bathroom habits do not qualify as news. And if what you're eating for lunch can be classified as 'afterbirth,' I don't need to know how it was prepared (or that you ate it at all
). Keep your gag-worthy observations to yourself, please.2. Our Parents Didn't Do It
Our parents' generation didn't make daily announcements to all of their friends about diaper explosions, so why should you? "Because I can" isn't an answer. Tell us what we want to hear: First steps, first 'I Love You's. The nice stuff. Then maybe tell us about you. Your friends miss you.
3. No One Cares
Everyone is thrilled you've made the ultimate sacrifice and become a parent. But no one is as thrilled as you are
. Keep that in mind.
4. They Will Grow Up to Hate You
There's one sure way to ruin the years of trust you've built with your children, and it's putting their puberty on blast. It is not OK
to post about your adolescent daughter's reproductive milestones, nor will your son think it's funny if you joke about his "long showers" on the Internet.
5. We Don't Want to Go to Jail
Your toddler is in a naked phase, and it's totally healthy and adorable. But creepy perverts don't exclusively visit "pervert Web sites," so keep the crotch shots -- innocent as they may seem -- to a minimum. Thanks.
6. You Sound Like an A-hole
Don't bring your child to an adults-only event, and definitely don't brag about it on Facebook. Announcing gift registries when you're pregnant or for your kid's half-birthday party over your status is just plain tacky.
7. Uh, Shouldn't You Be Doing Something Else?
If your child accidentally bonks his head or falls off the couch -- especially while you're on the computer -- it's a bad time to update your status.
8. You're Scaring Us
The girl we were friends with would not upload a birthing video where we can see her "Britney" or photographs of her newborn's "exit." You are frightening your friends. Who are you?
9. It's Just Weird
Starting a Facebook page for your kid is as weird as starting one for your cat. I don't want 8-week-old Elijah to "comment" on my status about health-care reform. And please stop using sonograms or pictures of your kid as your profile image. It's one thing to post a picture of the two of you together; it's another for your identity to completely disappear the minute you get pregnant.
10. Your Child Comes Off as Annoying
Less is more. I'm happy to hear about your child, but using Facebook as a prop to remind me of his every development ("OMG, Aiden just rolled onto his back!!") kind of makes me resent him. Not to mention, why would I want to babysit your rambunctious toddler when I know he prefers to poop in the grass? Some things are better left unsaid.
the author of STFU, Parents
, a "public service" humor blog.
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