Every girl has a glossary of secret nicknames for the guys they've dated. They range from cute to cruel, and no Saturday night recap over brunch is complete without them. If you think you and your friends have concocted some amazing aliases, check out the worst (actual) code names I've heard used.
This guy looked oddly similar to a decorative plastic lawn accessory. According to Wikipedia, "Gnomes are traditionally thought of as being small, bearded and wearing pointed, colorful, conical hats." Petite, whimsical, and bad taste in hats? No thanks.
Need I explain? At the end of a date, TP announced that he needed to take a dump (strike one) but that he he can only "go" at his own apartment (strike two) which is conveniently located across the street from the restaurant. Blame the wine, but his date agreed to wait at his place while he went about his business. Seconds after emerging from the baño with the newspaper, he attempted to commence hook-up (strike three). Luckily she came to her senses and flushed his plan down the toilet by peacing out ... and bathing in Purell.
Hours after a guy left from the first "sleepover," this gal noticed a terrible smell infiltrating her apartment. The stench was finally tracked to the bathroom garbage can, where a pair of crumpled, yellow, sweaty socks rested at the top. If they were so foul he had to throw them out, did he not think they would be discovered by the girl he was trying to impress? She cut The Cheese from her phone book pronto.
Unfortunately, this man's arms were so short he could never reach his wallet to pay for dinner.
This sounds worse than it is. But watching this dude eat oatmeal was a deal-breaker.
There was nothing wrong with this beefy, Midwestern fellow. My friend was just used to skinny vegan hipsters, rather than the wholesome kind of guy who drinks milk with dinner, eats meat casseroles and actually has enough of a gut to hold up his pants.
The Sharpie Marker
According to my sources, a certain body part was comparable in size. Girls can be so cruel.
Sometimes we name people based on an experience or object that plays a pivotal role in our relationships. In this case, I'm referring to a 30-year-old who still sleeps in a twin bed. While he had luckily retired his Transformers sheets, my friend said this made for a very awkward, tight sleepover. She has since upgraded to men with full- or queen-size beds.
We also tend to name people based on notable physical characteristics so our friends can easily identify them at a bar or party. Eyebrow Mike's "situation" could be spotted from a mile away. Others include, "Mom Jeans" (yes, in reference to a guy), "The Chachball" (obvious overuse of hair gel and jewelry), and "The Hot Mess" (sloppy but really good-looking).
Nothing worse than a clammy hand hold, or sharing popcorn at the movies with this guy. Gross.
He could have passed for Danny DeVito in "Batman Returns": short, mean, and possibly wore makeup. Done and done.
If you and your friends have any great nicknames, leave a comment below!