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There are four words a wedding photographer never wants to hear: "cameras on the tables." You might as well say it: "my drunken friends will be jumping in your way all night, trying to take blurry pictures of what I hired you to do."

If I sound cranky, I can't help it. In five years of shooting weddings, the drunken friends hopping in my way are only the tip of the iceberg.

Because just as I'm about to get the money shot -- the one the bride and groom have put down a deposit for -- there they are, 17 revelers with tiny boxes pointed at the same scene. And you, dear bride, are going to pay to develop every single one of them. Rethinking those cameras? I thought so. Here, some other pet peeves of myself and other professional shutterbugs.

And while you're at it, turn off "Bridezillas."

You Say: "No need to take any pictures during the reception, just the bouquet and garter, the first dance and the cake cutting."
We Hear: "I don't want to pay you for working the reception, but I want you to stick around until the whole thing is just about over anyway so you can get a picture of the bouquet and garter toss. Since you're not doing anything in between, we don't have to pay you! Nanny, nanny, boo, boo."
A Better Way to Phrase It: "We'd like to hire you to stick around until the bouquet and garter ceremony is done or the cake is cut – whichever happens later. Do you charge by the hour, by the number of pictures or is it a flat-rate service?"

You Say: "My friend loves to take pictures, and she wants to start shooting weddings. So she's going to be following you around."
We Hear: "There's someone going to be in your way all day. Would you teach her your job so she can take all your gigs away? Really, you feed your family that way? Oh, food on the table is so overrated!"
A Better Way to Phrase It: "We have a friend who is really into photography. She is going to have her camera there, but we don't want her getting in your way. YOU are our photographer, so please let her know if she's being a pain."

You Say: "I have 10 bridesmaids because I couldn't choose between my cousins without starting a family war. I really don't want that many, but I'm stuck."
We Hear: "This wedding is over-the-top, and I am not able to control anything. Don't ask me what I want -- ask my mother/his mother/my grandmother/the pastor/etc."
A Better Way to Phrase It: "It's a big bridal party, and I'd love to hear your ideas on how to best accommodate all these people for the group shots."

You Say: "The pastor has said no photography during the ceremony, but my friend said with a really quiet camera, they won't notice. Can you do that? It would mean so much to us?"
We Hear: "I want the impossible -- you to take pictures in the dark church and not piss off the clergy." Should we call Harry Potter for his invisibility cloak while we're at it?"
A Better Way to Phrase It: "The pastor has said no photography during the ceremony. We wanted you to know ahead of time."


You Say: "We want to get to our cocktail hour, so we figured we'd just do the group photos at the church."
We Hear: "We want you to rush through it all, and we're going to hold you responsible if we can't get our drink on."
A Better Way to Phrase It: "We're trying to figure out the best timing of the ceremony and reception so we can still attend some of our cocktail hour. How much time do you think we should set aside for the family portraits?"