We ran a post from blogger Courtney A., a college girl who gave us the lowdown on hooking up with famous Internet ho Tucker Max
. We got a huge response from readers, so we invited Tucker to write a rebuttal. Here, in his own words, is his response to "I Slept With Tucker Max, the Internet's Biggest Asshat
If you're reading this, then you've probably read the "I Slept With Tucker Max" piece that started it. Basically, a girl I f--ked in State College wrote her account of what happened. I have to say, I applaud young Courtney for two things:
1. Using her real name and picture. I would have had very little respect for her if she'd written all of this anonymously, but she didn't. If you are going to kiss and tell, be honest and open about it, and she was. Very cool.
2. Being pretty fair and honest about everything. For the most part, she left out all the insecure editorializing bulls--t that girls usually put into those things, and basically told it like it was. I was very impressed with her fairness and objectivity.
In fact, I was so impressed with the whole piece that I didn't even feel the need to write any sort of comprehensive rebuttal. Though I disagreed with a few things, and she left a few things out, I was going to let it all lie, because it was far more true than not. The fact that she was fair and reasonably accurate and actually spoke from a position of experience instead of just assuming what I was like secondhand, that immediately puts her ahead of 95 percent of the people who write about me.
But when Lemondrop asked me if I wanted to write a rebuttal
, I took them up on it. I couldn't help it. Not for the reasons you might think.
But I couldn't stop myself from writing this, because of one thing she wrote.
"He screws like he's jackhammering a sidewalk. I faked orgasm to get him to stop."
I don't have any beef with her description of me in bed. I would prefer the phrasing "dominant and aggressive," but whatever; you call me a jackhammer, the difference is semantics. The thing that pissed me off is that she said she faked an orgasm to get me to stop. I mean -- honey, really? Did you think I was paying the LEAST bit of attention to you or your "orgasm?" You know why I stopped? Because I came. That's always when I stop. I couldn't tell your orgasm from pixie dust, and neither would make me stop if I wasn't done, that's for sure.
Yes, there were a ton of details she left out. Like when this other hot girl was all up in my s--t, and Bill Dawes [comedian & Tucker associate] went up to her and said, "Hey Baby Fat, I think you've lost this one," and she took off and got her friend to promise to f-ck my friend Jeff if I left with her. I had actually forgotten about that until Jeff reminded me, but it's an irrelevant detail. The basic point is that she came out to f--k me, and she readily admitted that, so whatever. It's a story not a police report; she got enough right.
Courtney, I know you're only 21, so that explains a lot, but baby, please understand: We all reap what we sow. Just like I have to be OK with the women who come to f--k me Twittering about it or writing about it for millions to read, you need to be OK with me not caring for or considering you in bed. I'm sure there are a lot of guys who will be sweet and gentle with you in bed and really pay attention to your needs, but the guys you come out to sport f--k probably won't be among them.
And for the record, two things she said I want to confirm as true:
1. I absolutely baby talk my dog, Murph, and I am not ashamed to admit it. I love that goofy mutt, and she likes it when I baby talk and I don't care who knows.
2. She wasn't lying when she said I told her I wanted to eventually settle down and have kids. I do. Maybe not now, but soon enough that I think about it now. Of course, traveling around the country f--king all kinds of college girls who throw themselves at me probably doesn't help accomplish this goal. Eh, what can you do?
Still single, ladies: email@example.com
Tucker Max is the gentle soul behind TuckerMax.com and the author of the bestselling memoir, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. His new book, Assholes Finish First, is now available from Gallery.