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Sticky Situations -- What to Say

Sticky Situation #1: Bumping into an ex -- who's with someone new

What Not to Say:
My look what the cat dragged in"

"Wow, you've aged"

"Leaving you was my biggest mistake"

Like it or not, this person once meant something to you. So running into an ex (especially if it was a bad breakup) is going to be an emotionally tainted situation. And even when you're amicable if one of you has a new flame in tow it can be awkward.

"Take the high road! You've moved on so why stir up bad feelings," says Dr. Dan Neuharth, author of "Secrets You Keep From Yourself: How to Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness."
"If you are angry at your ex, talk it out in your individual therapy or with your friends, but acting it out around your ex will ultimately make you look smaller."

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If you absolutely need to communicate something to your ex, do it at another time that is pre-planned, not during a surprise encounter. "Focus on your future, not your past," says Dr. Neuharth. "If you can, remember any good times and move on."

What to Say:
"It's nice to see you. How have you been?"

"You're looking great! I trust you are well. Gotta run!"

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Sticky Situation #2: Finding out a friend was fired

What Not to Say:
"Holy crap. What are you going to do?"

"Are you going to have to live in a box on the street now?"

"Sure hope you've got some money in savings!"

Obviously this is more prominent at the moment thanks to the weak economy. But the worst thing you can do in this kind of situation is ADD to your friend's panic by pointing out the obvious (i.e. they're no longer getting a paycheck regularly and jobs are scarce).

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A better bet is to try to be supportive. Even if you can't help them directly maybe someone you know can. "Ask if it's okay to call them at a different time to discuss ways in which you might be able to assist their search," says JoAnn Magdoff, PhD, a psychotherapist in private practice in New York City. "You offering to initiate the call and setting a specific time will relieve them of having to ask so they don't feel like the supplicant."

What to Say:
"I'll keep my ears open for any leads for you!"

"Let's set up a time to brainstorm how I might help in your job hunt."

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Sticky Situation #3: Dealing with a divorcee

What Not to Say:
"I'm sorry to hear that. I'd hate to lose such a good-looking partner."

"So, did your spouse cheat on you?"

"This must be awful for your kids!"

"When I was getting divorced I had people drop all kinds of verbal junk on me" says Amy Botwinick, Founder of
WomenMovingOn.com. "I even had someone ask me if I was going to have to sell my house because she had a friend who was dying to move into my neighborhood and could this friend call me. I mean, come on!"

Olivier GR, Flickr

Another huge faux pas in this situation is to say you never liked his or her soon-to-be ex-spouse. "People think they're being supportive when they say that but instead they're dumping all over the choice you made and if you have children, putting down the person who is still the mother or father of your kids," says Botwinick.

"And don't say 'you'll find someone new' because trust me, at that moment that is the last thing on your mind!" Botwinick suggests that it's better to be a good listener in this situation.

What to Say:
"I heard about your divorce and I'm sorry for the pain your family is experiencing."

"Let me know how I can be of support to you."

"If you don't want to talk about it I understand, but if you need a sounding board, I'm a good listener."

quinn.anya, Flickr

Sticky Situation #4: Running into someone who's just experienced a tragic loss

What Not to Say:
"Heard the news. That's totally horrible!"

"You must be so upset!"

"I don't think I could handle something like that happening to me!"

Gracefully offering condolences, whether it be for the death or a love one or a pet, is an art. "Keep in mind that if you aren't comfortable with a situation, the other person probably isn't either," says Dr. Magdoff. "Platitudes exist for just these circumstances and declarative sentences work."

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And don't point out how awful it is or how incredibly wrecked the person must feel. They are well aware of their tragedy and sadness -- you reminding them of that isn't helping. Brevity and sincerity are tantamount in situations like this. If you are at a Memorial service, you can also employ the same rule. Offer support and be genuine. That's all that's required.

What to Say:
"I just heard about your loss. I'm so very sorry."

"It's good to see you. I wish it were under happier circumstances."

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Sticky Situation #5: Running into your boss when you're drunk.

What Not to Say:
"Dude, can you give me a ride home?"

"Wow, you look less stuffy out of the office."

"Dude, you know who you should fire?!?!"

Despite what it might feel like at the time, you are never at your best when you are drunk! "Just because it seems like everything you say or do is brilliant, funny or witty when you are drinking, keep in mind that you are not a good judge at that moment," says Dr. Neuharth. This is especially important to keep in mind if you are actually at a function like a company party where drinking too much could hurt your professional reputation.



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"Having a sober friend as your wing man or wing woman who can intervene may just save your career, reputation or relationships in a situation like this," says Dr. Neuharth. "Altered states can be big fun but are also big risks. Protect yourself." Even if your pal is also drunk, they can still help you out of the situation.

What to Say:
Absolutely nothing! Then let whoever you're with know that you need to change venues ASAP.

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