Lemondrop

On Monday, I'm getting on a plane with my two dogs and flying to New York for three months. Sure, I'll miss some things about my home, but there's some stuff I will definitely not miss about living in Los Angeles. I give you:

1. Vapid, self-promoting actors. This is an actual conversation I overheard last night at Aroma Cafe in Studio City: "Are you going to come see my one-woman show next week?" "I can't, I have a relationship workshop in Malibu." "Bummer." "How was your audition?" "Oh I don't know, I'm too young to be playing a mom." Uh, no you're not. You're actually the exact right age to be playing a mom. You could be MY mom for God's sake. Shake the Botox out of your brain and wake the eff up, ladies.

2. Drunk driving. It seems like drunk driving is totally acceptable in Los Angeles. I can't tell you how many times a friend has told me "I don't even know how I got home last night." Or, "Oh my God, I got home and the left rear-view mirror of my car is gone! I don't remember hitting anything!" People in Los Angeles don't believe in public transportation (this includes taxis), and on any given night the roads are peppered with wasted people driving cars home from bars, or to bars, or wherever drunk drivers go when they're not getting arrested or killing people.

3. Sober driving. There's no two ways about it. Driving in Los Angeles sucks ass. It's ALWAYS rush hour. You think getting up at 6 a.m. will help you beat the rush? Wrong. Think it'll only take you a second to jump over the hill to Santa Monica on a Sunday afternoon? Wrong! More like a two-hour drive through fire-scorched mountainsides in 108-degree temperatures without air conditioning because your car might overheat from going up the big hill.

4. Earthquakes! All right, I may miss the small ones (they're actually kinda fun), but I will not miss the big ones. I was very close to the epicenter of the Northridge quake and it was frigging horrifying. I'm not going to miss sitting around wondering when I'm going to need to bust into my earthquake kit. Oh yes, I have one: backup dog food, water, human food, flashlights, batteries ... If you live in California, you have a disaster kit because, there's always some kind of disaster coming your way.

5. Raging fires. The Station Fire (as it is now called) that started this summer has been burning for weeks. Last night I was driving around and the ash was raining down like snow. All I can think about is all the poor little animals that can't escape, and the fires are always started by humans. Natural fires are extremely rare. Arsonists suck.

6. Rage, period. Sorry, dude in the "Bad Boyz" gas guzzler with the "piss on Ford" decal in your window who won't let me get over even though I'm driving a safe speed, leaving a proper following distance between me and the cars around me, and have been signaling for seven minutes. That's cool. Don't let me and my hybrid get over into your lane. I respect your totally unexplainable territorial dominance of the left lane. You go Alpha Male!

7. Hortense Alley. Hortense Alley is my own personal L.A. nemesis. It's an alley behind my apartment complex. Sometimes I brave the dark alley at night when walking my dog and have come across two guys giving each other blowjobs, old used panties, condoms, empty bags of drugs, stolen cars, and the like. They even found a dead body in the trunk of a car back there. I will not miss your charms, Hortense Alley.

8. Valet parking. I will not tip valets who get in my car, steal the change from my change holder, mess with my radio, readjust the seats and make me wait 20 minutes while they try to figure out where they parked my car, usually in a space that I could have parked it in myself.

9. Pee-covered street sofas. I don't know if it's just here, but Los Angeles is littered with old sofas that people have thrown out onto the sidewalk that smell like pee. I'm not sure if the sofa has been thrown out because it smells like pee, or if someone or something pees on it the minute it hits the street, but it seems to be a requirement that if you are throwing out a sofa or chair it must get covered in pee immediately. And no one ever calls the city (a free service) to come pick the sofa up so it sits there for weeks and weeks and weeks while more and more and more people pee on it.

10. The Lakers. I hate the Lakers. I hate people who love the Lakers and have Laker flags on their cars and worst of all when they have multiple Laker flags flying high on their cars. I wish the Lakers would lose every game. The only thing more annoying than the Lakers is a Lakers fan. I have news for you Laker fans: Kobe doesn't give a sh-t about you.

And with that, I leave you. Literally. I'm sure that in a week I'll be writing about all the things I miss about Los Angeles. I am, after all, a true-blue Southern California girl through and through.

But seriously -- suck it, Lakers.

To Do: Pack, pack, pack.