We know several reasons to have sex: It feels good, we're in love, to make babies. (We suspect that's why the Duggars do it.) But a new book, "Why Women Have Sex," claims the real reasons women get down include to avoid an argument or get gifts, not because of attraction or for pleasure. The authors gleaned this from interviews with 1,000 women of all ages. And while we give them kudos for focusing on something other than the physical side of sex, we want to know more. We're curious about whether the reasons and type of sex we have change as we age or enter more committed relationships. So we asked some real women.
Your Loosey-Goosey Twenties
Heather Griffiths, 25, a social worker who lives in Boston, lost her virginity in a one-night stand at 19. But as she's maturing, she's starting to prefer sex with a committed partner over casual encounters.
She admits to having had sex out of boredom or because she couldn't think of a reason not to in the past, but no more.
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"I haven't had a committed partner in a while and have really decided against having sex until I am back to that point, because it just isn't as good," she said. "I don't think it is always about 'hitting the spots' or having one giant Earth-shattering orgasm. When sex becomes about the end result and not about the deep connection to your partner, as it is when we don't really know the other person, it can't be about an intimacy that isn't there."
Your Sure-Footed Thirties
Alisha*, 36, from Texas, knows all about the quest to have "good" sex. Now a married mother, she says the deed has gotten better now that she knows what she likes.
"I realized a while back I'd been having what I call 'porno sex' or 'movie sex,' in which you and your partner incorporate movements that you've seen in media. One day it occurred to me that those movements were for the benefit of the viewer -- not the woman. There was no 'viewer' in my sex life so I tried less up-and-down, less faster, harder. The back-and-forth, much slower movement quickly became more fulfilling and I became more orgasmic."
Alisha says she and her husband have traded sex for chores and swapped sexual favors, like a foot massage for a hand job. But overall she aims for intimacy and connection between the sheets, and when she and her husband hit a dry spot, they discuss it.
"You have to decide that physical and emotional intimacy is worth the effort," she said.
Regardless of Age, Intimacy Is a Missing Link
Debby Herbenick, PhD, a research scientist at Indiana University and author of "Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction," has some insight on the topic:
"People's actions, sexual or otherwise, are varied and complex," she said. "There are hundreds, probably even thousands, of reasons that people have sex at different times. And yes, it is common that people have sex to get something. Sometimes people have sex to gain affection; other times, to earn money or to get a job or to feel some degree of self-esteem."
But one factor that seems to be missing from the discussion is intimacy. A recent study of 3,000 women aged 18 to 50 found many prefer to be under the influence before getting in bed to build confidence about their bodies. Someone worried about how their belly pooch is sagging can't really enjoy sex or connect to their partner. "When we focus too much on the physicality of sex, we miss out on one of the most important aspects of sex: feelings of intimacy, closeness and connection," Dr. Herbenick says.
So, we need to talk more about what it means to "feel good" during sex. For instance, does it feel good to be touched, wanted or held? Probing those questions might get us closer to our individual reasons for having it and, better yet, make it more enjoyable.
Tell us: How have your reasons for sex and the type of sex you have changed as you've matured?
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Thursday 24 September
By Autumn
I love articles that are throwbacks to the medieval Christian (and roman and Greek) notions that female sexuality is dangerous and should be managed/contained because it will make men do strange things, better yet, make men servants of the 'lesser' sex....
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Friday 02 October
By Mike
Come on! Tons of men are ALREADY slaves to the "lesser sex." Watch some commercials. Look at some print ads. Most men would do virtually anything just for the possibility that they'll get laid or even looked at by a female. I figured we (men) would grow out of this by the time we hit 30 or so, but apparently not. I've worked with lots and lots of "grown men" who STILL act like horny 14-year olds. But, that's off-topic. Just thought I'd throw in my two-cents on your comment.
Friday 02 October
By brody
yepp. women can be saddistic
Friday 02 October
By Eddie
Every old religion, and every old culture thought less of women than men. Not just any one.
Bothers me when people pick a specific one that they dont like, or dont agree with and pick on that one like its different than every other one back in thier day.
medieval... lol
Saturday 03 October
By chad
Ok.. that made no sense at all..
Saturday 03 October
By maryann
what are you trying to see in this article? because how you got there is unclear ???
Sunday 04 October
By Fawn
Gods, stuff like this sickens me, women have sex because it feels good, end of question, and men aren't slaves to us because they find us attractive or can't control their sexual urges, guess what women (the straight ones at least) are actually atracted to men, we don't just look at them and see big wallets or hunters, or protecters, we see men, and advertisers are idiots, "men by things because they want to have sex with women, women by things to feel sexy" because ya know that's all that ever matters to us right. Give me a break.
Saturday 03 October
By Alan Taylor
And it will certainly do that!
Sunday 04 October
By churchofdan
Did you miss the point of the article? It didn't demonize female sexuality, just humanized it. It's not the article's fault that women use their sexuality to "get stuff". Let's face it, considering the depth of human history, women have only been "allowed" to publicly express or even indulge in their sexuality for a comparatively short time. If you want to blame anyone or anything for why female sexuality is still used to "whore" for products and services and/or seen as "dangerous", blame a swiftly evolving system that is constantly making women the equals that they should have been all along.
Sunday 04 October
By Kip
You must check your history my friend. The Romans and Greeks were a people open to sexuality. Homosexuality was very common and looked upon as something completely normal; nothing to be ashamed of. Sex, whether homo or hetero sexual was not only a way of showing affection, but a religious experience. The Goddess Aphrodite (Greek) also known as Venus (Roman) was the goddess of love, lust, sexuality, and fertility. Men AND women would have sexual relations with priets or priestesses of the goddess to better strengthen their relationship with her and ask her to grant their favor. Please check up on Greco-Roman history. They were nothing of the medieval Catholic sort. Thank you.
Tuesday 06 October
By Corv
Wow, I don't think it has to be taken that heavily. Men have been called sexual dogs for years and it has been accepted with no opposition. Finally studies show that women might not have the most noble reasons to jump in the sack and it somehow is taken by the public they are trying to be contained. I understand your point but I also thinks this is an obvious observation that anyone can notice socially by just going outside. It wasn't put in the most sensitive way but it doesn't seem suprising. Yes there are differences in everyone but those who are media driven are going to follow the same pattern. Men will be sex starved, disrespectful players, and women promiscuois gold-diggers.
Sunday 04 October
By p2m68
funny I didn't get that from this article. Show me where you got that bit about it being about making men our sex slave. You said "I love articles that are throwbacks to the medieval Christian (and roman and Greek) notions that female sexuality is dangerous and should be managed/contained because it will make men do strange things, better yet, make men servants of the 'lesser' sex...."
Saturday 26 September
By Claire
I'm 21 and was raised Catholic, which means I have all sorts of hangups about sex--but when I get physical, it's always always because I want to. That is, I am always doing it because I am physically attracted and in the mood for some physical pleasure. I can't believe that most women really do it to get stuff out of men, but I sure do know most guys believe they do. I call bullshit on this whole book.
Reply
Friday 02 October
By Rene
Claire...you call BS because you are 21 wait a few years then see what you call it!
Friday 02 October
By Mike
Your so called hangups about sex due to being Catholic insults our religion. The hangups may be because of not knowing Catholic teachings about married sex being a sacred gift from God. It is the only church founded by Jesus Christ who makes all of its members parts of the being of Jesus .All the others are human inventions. Did you not know that because of the sacrament of matrimony intercourse conveys sanctifying grace causing a higher deeper union in it?
Even John Paul II taught that the best way to have intercourse in marriage is to have simultaneous orgasms. Look at his book, The Theology of the Body and you will find higher ideas about sex then you have ever heard of before.
We all have spiritual enemies who like to give you false ideas about the Catholic Church with the aim of separating you from the sacraments especially from Jesus who is the Holy Eucharist.
Friday 02 October
By Mitzi
I couldn't agree more. I have sex with my fiance because I love him and it feels really good..and a LOT of fun! I have never or will never have sex to get something. This is all bullshit.
Friday 02 October
By Mitzi
Oh and another thing....Claire called bullshit because she is 21??????
I'm 30 and I still call it bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday 02 October
By Jess
I don't think Claire's comment is BS, but I do think that some of the things in the article are attributed to an older group of women than 20-something. Being in a committed relationship, I understand why these women say they do it for "reasons". I personally don't have sex with my husband to get something from him, but occassionally we do make "deals". It's a fun and playful addition to our sex life. And sometimes, we do have sex, not because I necessarily want to, but because he does. It is part of the give and take of the relationship.
Friday 02 October
By brooklynmomma
I think is better having sex with your partner when there's feelngs involved. cause when you do it just to get gifts or money that will make you a prostitute. you selling your body for gifts and that is bullshit for real!
Friday 02 October
By Lisa
Obviously your not married! Sometimes it's not about your own pleasure at all and we are not always in sync all the time so you do what you gotta do and hey if he's offering rewards.......why not? It's called compromise. I give you what you want and you in turn give me something I want. What's wrong with it?