Tucker Max. If you're in college, you probably know him and his infamous stories. If not, let me enlighten you. Tucker Max is a blogger-turned-author-turned-movie-producer who's basically famous for drinking to obliteration and having sex with girls whom he later savages in graphic detail on his site, TuckerMax.com.
Why does anybody care? Unfortunately, he happens to be pretty smart and a funny writer, so he landed a book deal. A few years later his collection of tell-all drunken sex essays, "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell," was made into a movie.
I met him at a bar after his premiere in State College. And I slept with him.
This is my story.
It was a Monday night, about a quarter to 11, and I was watching TV with my roommates. I'd asked a few people to go out but no one was feeling up to it. Then, I got a text from my friend Steph: "If you want to meet Tucker Max, come to Cafe 210."
I was a longtime fan and I'd been dying to meet him, so I got dressed as fast as I could and ran out the door. It was only the second week in school, and in my apartment I was already getting teased for my promiscuity. My roommates laughed as I left and told me to make sure to bring him back! "Yeah, like I'm gonna have sex with Tucker Max," I thought.
I was expecting a huge line at the bar, but when I showed up, it was totally dead. I asked the bouncers if they'd heard anything about Tucker Max coming there. "I hope not," one of them replied. Inside, I found some of my friends and some girls who were clearly Tucker's tour groupies assembled. We waited a little while, and just when I thought he wouldn't show, Tucker finally arrived.
The Manwhore, the Myth, the Legend
Immediately a drunk girl latched onto him, hugging and kissing and falling all over him. She was cute, and I was just about to sigh, "Well, he's already got his hook-up tonight," when my friend Rosie snarled, "That's pathetic. Who wants to be that girl?" Regardless, we worked our way into the crowd surrounding Tucker, until we were face to face with him. I shook his hand, and told him I was a huge fan. His response? "Will you f--k a virgin?"
"Yeah," I said, "I'll f--k anyone." Big mistake.
Tucked yelled for his friends to go get some kid, apparently the aforementioned virgin, because he'd "got one" for him.
"Wait, wait, wait," I interrupted. "Is he cute?"
"No," said Tucker. "He's fat."
I replied that I had standards; Tucker replied that I was a whore.
Well, this was off to a great start. Tucker continued to try and get this kid laid while this drunk girl continued to follow him around like a lost puppy. My mission forgotten, I went back to chatting with my friends. Finally, Steph handed me her camera and suggested that Rosie and I ask to take a picture with him. We did, and this time, Tucker blatantly looked me up and down.
Sealing the Deal
"34 C?" Tucker asked.
"32 C," I replied, "but good guess. What, are you trying to touch them or something?"
"Oh, I know I can touch them," he said. "But I like to guess first."
When I went back to sit with my friends, they'd been joined by a couple of Tucker's tour guys. Eventually, the man himself showed up.
"So," he asked, scooting in next to me. "Are you coming back with me tonight?
I have two options. One: dignity. Two: a good story to tell later. So I snuck off and texted my best friend, Matt. Should I f--k Tucker Max? His response: You will be a GOD in my eyes.
It's done. Around 1:30, I told Tucker that I would, in fact, go home with him. "Oh, I know," he replied. "We have a cab waiting, let's go."
Back at His "Place"
We got into the cab with everyone at the bar waving and giving the thumbs up. The best part? I didn't even know most of them. Tucker took me back to the Hampton Inn where he was staying, showed me his tour bus (which was pretty sweet) and I met his dog, whom he talks to like an somebody's aunt talking to a baby, except that he told him, "Say hello to the new slut!"
Finally, in his room, he wasted no time getting completely naked. Like, no foreplay at all. Well, girls? Here's everything you wanted to know about Tucker Max: His body is nice, but a little too hairy. He's a great kisser. He screws like he's jackhammering a sidewalk. I faked orgasm to get him to stop. After he was finished he told me we were going to do it again in the morning. Great! I should have gotten up and left, but then he wanted to chat.
Pillow Talk, Tucker Max-Style
We talked about normal things, like how he eventually wanted to get married and have kids, which was a shock.
"You're 33," I said. "shouldn't you get a move on?"
He said that he wasn't interested in being in relationships, and I told him I liked being in them, at which point he totally misunderstood me and proceeded to tell me that we couldn't date.
"You're not a real person," I replied, by way of explanation. I also told him about this guy I was kind of hung up on and he was surprisingly nice and insightful, telling me that I was a cute girl and that I shouldn't pin my hopes on some dude at my age.
The next day, he woke me up for sex, as promised. It was worse, because he was panting this time, and when he was putting his clothes on, he farted loudly, multiple times. I called a cab, and he gave me 20 bucks for the cab which I gladly took. (Hey, I'm in college.) He hugged me and said, "I'd totally hook up with you again. Call me if you're ever in L.A."
Eh. I think one episode of stunt sex is all I'll ever need.
(If you want to read Tucker's account -- which is slightly different from mine -- you can read it here.)
Writer and student Courtney A. attended Penn State University, where she accumulated lots of stories.












Comments:
Add a comment
Friday 02 October
By Viking
I'm far less famous than Mr. Tucker but I'm also fortunate to fuck girls that are far less fat and ugly than this Courtney. I understand the choice over in the US of A must be rather limited if this is what he comes down with after a night out.
Reply
Friday 02 October
By IamaSLut
You showed him! All you had to do is open your legs and get nailed like a piece of wood! Your parents will be proud sending you to Penn State!
So what have we learned? If you act like Tucker Max, you will let them plow you? Congrats!
Way to convince guys that being an asshat is going to get you laid! Yai!
Reply
Saturday 03 October
By Cannon's Canon
when women vote, democrats win. this story belies the tyranny of liberalism, it is an unsustainable system.
george sodini missed one.
Reply
Saturday 03 October
By mintrubble71
Just because you fu**ed the guy as some kind of experiment doesn't make you any less of a dumb, wet slut. As a matter of fact, you've rather succinctly proved Max's point that all women are in fact: dumb, wet sluts. It's stupid bi*ches like you that keep setting the woman's movement back and ensure you'll always make 70 cents to my dollar. CONGRATS ON BEING A WHORE!!
Reply
Saturday 03 October
By turtle
Great story Courtney. I'm sure you future romantic interests will be charmed thinking about stupid bitch in heat he has on his hands. Wonder what he'll think about you? About having gone down on you? When you treat your vagina as a public toilet for men to relieve themselves in and leave. I'm sure quality men will be lining up to invest their time and energies into building a relationship and / or a family with someone who would take off to f*ck a D list celebrity on a whim. When something is so easily captured, like your crevice, is it really worth anything at all?
Reply
Saturday 03 October
By GTracie
What did you think would happen when you put this on the net?
The only people who are congratulating you are doing so because you just helped make them look like less of a whore than you are.
No decent man will want you. You are hereby condemned to lie about your past and pray that this shameful event will not resurface in the future.
Reply
Saturday 03 October
By diana
i loved it u go girl!!! but dont do it again
Reply
Saturday 03 October
By Laughin at u hysterically
You gotta be shittin me. Never heard of this dude but clearly he doesn't care if u think he was any good. He panelled you (like a jack hammer) ... twice... because he told you he would. The guy knows he can so he does, and he'll continue to do so with slurries like Courtney showing up... so kudos to him.
Not to judge and sound mean... but sleeping with this dude, who pretty much shags for a living is kinda skanky... which is fine... skanky behavior is part of life and both girls and guys act like that... but to then write an article like you've discovered that this guys a fraud. HA!!! Truth be told, majority of girls wouldn't touch this guy... but you did Courtney. Deal with it...
Reply
Sunday 04 October
By joeschmo
This is probably one of the worst things I have ever read, including most of the comments. Get bent all of you. Morons & whores, match made in heaven.
Reply
Sunday 04 October
By Robin
I cannot believe that first off, he farted in front of you. Secondly, he called you a slut to his dog, and thirdly, how in the world can he get away with stuff like that?? There's no class left in the majority of the male population and he's clearly the trend setter for that. I've never heard of this guy until I read this article, and obviously, I haven't been missing much. This guy needs to just crawl in a corner and take a lesson on how to treat women.
Reply
Sunday 04 October
By mintrubble71
Maybe you should point the finger at your fellow females who are dumb enough to screw this guy and then brag about it. Women are their own worst enemy.
Sunday 04 October
By Mucker Tax
Broads are just so f**king stupid! This idiot is no exception and she's a dirty rotten whore to boot! Women will have sex with anyone who is even remotely famous just to do it. Courtney, you are worthless trash and you proved it by letting this happen....so, when you coming over here to f**k, skank ass whore?
Reply
Sunday 04 October
By Steve_B
Wow,what a charming young lady,very classy broad ;)
I weep for the future!
Reply
Sunday 04 October
By Michael
Why are some people shocked? They are fundamentally the exact same person.
Reply
Sunday 04 October
By Pig Spotter
YOU...are a PIG.
Reply
Sunday 04 October
By Pseudothyrum
EVE wrote:"I saw a monkey at the zoo who kept on bending over and spanking her butt to get a male monkey to do her....this is similar."
Yes, that's very true. The sexual behavior of many modern young Americans and the people in some other nations resembles that of captive animals in zoos rather than natural free humans. It should also be stated that animals in zoos have the lowest rate of reproduction in the world, being entirely demoralized, domesticated, and caged.
Also, the fact that endless amounts of alcohol is nowadays so often involved in the casual sex scene is just sad...people have to literally drug themselves like they did with 'soma' in Huxley's BRAVE NEW WORLD.
Reply
Sunday 04 October
By Kathleen
J-Rod,
In response to your comment about making it hard for honest guys like yourself, most guys don't pick girls up at a bar/club for relationships. They pick them up to get laid. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. If you want to pick a girl up for other reasons (like a relationship) try another venue.
Tucker Max is a straight up douche and some girls are attracted to that for one reason or another. If you are an "honest" guy and want to approach a girl do what you know and don't let Tucker's values or lack-their-of misguide you from your goal. He's just one man out of many.
Reply
Sunday 04 October
By Emily
Stoopid!
You're going to sleep with someone just for a "good" story.
Why are you so proud of yourself for acting so dumb!
Reply
Monday 02 November
By pandora
Are you kidding? She'll probably be either a very successful journalist, or a great spy!
Sunday 04 October
By flat top
Wonder if he'll still be a piece of work after his 15 minutes are up?
Reply