Tucker Max. If you're in college, you probably know him and his infamous stories. If not, let me enlighten you. Tucker Max is a blogger-turned-author-turned-movie-producer who's basically famous for drinking to obliteration and having sex with girls whom he later savages in graphic detail on his site, TuckerMax.com.
Why does anybody care? Unfortunately, he happens to be pretty smart and a funny writer, so he landed a book deal. A few years later his collection of tell-all drunken sex essays, "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell," was made into a movie.
I met him at a bar after his premiere in State College. And I slept with him.
This is my story.
It was a Monday night, about a quarter to 11, and I was watching TV with my roommates. I'd asked a few people to go out but no one was feeling up to it. Then, I got a text from my friend Steph: "If you want to meet Tucker Max, come to Cafe 210."
I was a longtime fan and I'd been dying to meet him, so I got dressed as fast as I could and ran out the door. It was only the second week in school, and in my apartment I was already getting teased for my promiscuity. My roommates laughed as I left and told me to make sure to bring him back! "Yeah, like I'm gonna have sex with Tucker Max," I thought.
I was expecting a huge line at the bar, but when I showed up, it was totally dead. I asked the bouncers if they'd heard anything about Tucker Max coming there. "I hope not," one of them replied. Inside, I found some of my friends and some girls who were clearly Tucker's tour groupies assembled. We waited a little while, and just when I thought he wouldn't show, Tucker finally arrived.
The Manwhore, the Myth, the Legend
Immediately a drunk girl latched onto him, hugging and kissing and falling all over him. She was cute, and I was just about to sigh, "Well, he's already got his hook-up tonight," when my friend Rosie snarled, "That's pathetic. Who wants to be that girl?" Regardless, we worked our way into the crowd surrounding Tucker, until we were face to face with him. I shook his hand, and told him I was a huge fan. His response? "Will you f--k a virgin?"
"Yeah," I said, "I'll f--k anyone." Big mistake.
Tucked yelled for his friends to go get some kid, apparently the aforementioned virgin, because he'd "got one" for him.
"Wait, wait, wait," I interrupted. "Is he cute?"
"No," said Tucker. "He's fat."
I replied that I had standards; Tucker replied that I was a whore.
Well, this was off to a great start. Tucker continued to try and get this kid laid while this drunk girl continued to follow him around like a lost puppy. My mission forgotten, I went back to chatting with my friends. Finally, Steph handed me her camera and suggested that Rosie and I ask to take a picture with him. We did, and this time, Tucker blatantly looked me up and down.
Sealing the Deal
"34 C?" Tucker asked.
"32 C," I replied, "but good guess. What, are you trying to touch them or something?"
"Oh, I know I can touch them," he said. "But I like to guess first."
When I went back to sit with my friends, they'd been joined by a couple of Tucker's tour guys. Eventually, the man himself showed up.
"So," he asked, scooting in next to me. "Are you coming back with me tonight?
I have two options. One: dignity. Two: a good story to tell later. So I snuck off and texted my best friend, Matt. Should I f--k Tucker Max? His response: You will be a GOD in my eyes.
It's done. Around 1:30, I told Tucker that I would, in fact, go home with him. "Oh, I know," he replied. "We have a cab waiting, let's go."
Back at His "Place"
We got into the cab with everyone at the bar waving and giving the thumbs up. The best part? I didn't even know most of them. Tucker took me back to the Hampton Inn where he was staying, showed me his tour bus (which was pretty sweet) and I met his dog, whom he talks to like an somebody's aunt talking to a baby, except that he told him, "Say hello to the new slut!"
Finally, in his room, he wasted no time getting completely naked. Like, no foreplay at all. Well, girls? Here's everything you wanted to know about Tucker Max: His body is nice, but a little too hairy. He's a great kisser. He screws like he's jackhammering a sidewalk. I faked orgasm to get him to stop. After he was finished he told me we were going to do it again in the morning. Great! I should have gotten up and left, but then he wanted to chat.
Pillow Talk, Tucker Max-Style
We talked about normal things, like how he eventually wanted to get married and have kids, which was a shock.
"You're 33," I said. "shouldn't you get a move on?"
He said that he wasn't interested in being in relationships, and I told him I liked being in them, at which point he totally misunderstood me and proceeded to tell me that we couldn't date.
"You're not a real person," I replied, by way of explanation. I also told him about this guy I was kind of hung up on and he was surprisingly nice and insightful, telling me that I was a cute girl and that I shouldn't pin my hopes on some dude at my age.
The next day, he woke me up for sex, as promised. It was worse, because he was panting this time, and when he was putting his clothes on, he farted loudly, multiple times. I called a cab, and he gave me 20 bucks for the cab which I gladly took. (Hey, I'm in college.) He hugged me and said, "I'd totally hook up with you again. Call me if you're ever in L.A."
Eh. I think one episode of stunt sex is all I'll ever need.
(If you want to read Tucker's account -- which is slightly different from mine -- you can read it here.)
Writer and student Courtney A. attended Penn State University, where she accumulated lots of stories.












Comments:
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Wednesday 23 September
By Rachel
Oh my god, awesome... I went between laughing out loud and jaw hanging open in disgust. I met Tucker in college when I interviewed him for my sex blog and it was just so, so clear that if he weren't famous for being an asshat and your guy friends weren't cheering you on, you would never, ever sleep with this guy.
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Sunday 07 August
By Dan
Girls would sleep with this dude famous or not cause their f4cking retarted and want their cooches banged my shameless men.
Wednesday 23 September
By misanthropegirl
I am so glad I'm past the age where a guy being nice to you isn't a requirement for sleeping with him.
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Wednesday 23 September
By The Virgin
You should've fucked me.
Thursday 24 September
By graace
classy
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Wednesday 23 September
By Snash
Hey, if he can do random chicks and write about it, why not her? Nice job, Courtney.
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Tuesday 22 March
By Gil
Because it takes game to be a stud, but anyone chick can be a slut.
Wednesday 23 September
By Sarah
Gross. Bad sex with an asshole, sounds great.
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Wednesday 23 September
By emmy
oh my god you're my HERO. not necessarily for sleeping with Tucker Max (disgusting, somewhat intelligent fraterna-whore douchebag), but for telling the honest truth about it. sweet.
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Wednesday 23 September
By J-Rod
This is the first time I have ever posted anything to this website, but this time, I couldn't resist! I'm a 30 y/o male that finds Lemondrop very entertaining. Clever writing and interesting articles that aren't too feminine (I know the readership is largely women) and never push an agenda keep me coming back for more
My question is; Who's the bigger asshat, Tucker, or the girl that sleeps with Tucker?
Courtney comes forward with this article with the appearance of trying to corroborate a known truth; Tucker is, in fact, an asshat, a douchebag, a tool...pick you poison. I don't think that is the purpose of this article at all because it bears no weight. It would be like someone writing an article about how gravity exists...yeah, we got that from Sir Issac Newton, thanks! I think it has more to do with Courtney, having no extraordinary qualities for her own, hitching her wagon to Tucker's star by saying, "I was part of what made him famous, or rather, infamous." I find it laughable that she then tries to burn him down by insinuating that he was crass and rude by calling her a "slut" when she, herself, alluded to her promiscuity earlier in the article! Courtney *cupcake* if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck... She also says that he "screws like he's jack-hammering a sidewalk." My question to Courtney is; "why would he worry about pleasuring you when you are just another conquest, another link in the chain?" Nobody savors Tacobell, unless you're really hungry! Tucker is not hungry! And that is what Courtney was, a late night hit-up at the drive thru!
I could bash them both all day but my point is this: You can't burn the dude when you contribute to what he is! This dude makes it hard for us honest guys! His movie is gonna make it damn near impossible for a guy to approach a girl at a bar, club or coffee shop without getting scowled at.
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Wednesday 14 October
By wtf?
Well said!
Sunday 20 December
By T.
J-Rod this is because women are generally easy. Tucker Max knows this. there are basically 2 types of women. One, the girlfriend, the friend, the ones you respect. Two, the sluts at a bar who we all know we can fuck. They want it, they dig the assholes and view us as a challenge. Women at a bar aren't looking for a nice guy to take home and show mom. If we are assholes to them and they walk away, so what we weren't gonna get them anyway. But, if we are assholes to the ones we can nail, they are more attracted. I am saying this to prove a point. Nice guys really do finish last if you just want to get laid. Plain and simple. ANY woman can argue this here with me. However this tactic works CONSTANTLY and without fail.
Monday 29 August
By Jiub
Why does a girl giving her account of sleeping with a shameless self-promoting asshole make her an asshat? I doubt she slept with him with the SOLE intention of writing this blog.
Wednesday 23 September
By Bobby
J-Rod, I agree with your general premise that girls like this have no standing to judge people like Tucker. But read her article again, I don't think shes bashing Tucker, just calling it as it is.
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Wednesday 23 September
By Rabbit Running
"This dude makes it hard for us honest guys! His movie is gonna make it damn near impossible for a guy to approach a girl at a bar, club or coffee shop without getting scowled at."
Dude, how was Tucker dishonest in her account or his?
Honestly you sound like a judgmental dick. You're trying to put on this nice guy persona, but you just sound like a raging jackass who thinks he's better than other people. Stop picking at people, turn your douche level down and girls probably will stop scowling at you.
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Thursday 24 September
By stufry
Bitter much?
Wednesday 23 September
By Howard
I cant believe this. This chicks a huge whore and proud of it! What a skank! Wow Courney your really a gross skanky chick.
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Thursday 01 October
By Bandabe
Let's face facts, you can hate all you want but you obviously read enough of the article to make a comment, and a rude one at that. Do everyone a favor and stop being such a jealous ass just because Courtney can get any guy she wants while you're stuck on the couch reading this article and jacking off to her hot photo.
Courtney, baby, Bandabe loves you ;)
Friday 08 October
By Kat
Good news, Bandabe. Apparently all it takes to get with the lovely Courtney is $20. You should be able to scrape that up, huh? I seldom judge other women for sleeping with whoever they want, but I'm with Howard on this one. Shameless tramp who thinks fame trumps all; and bad taste in carries of the old Y chromosome to boot. "I have standards. I won't sleep with a heavyset guy but the rude and offensive manslut is HAWT!!!"
Wednesday 23 September
By person
Tucker Max sounds like the kind of man who has STDs 6 ways until sunday.
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