Lemondrop

Spoiler-averse readers: Consider yourself warned. Below are the highly confidential plot lines to eight episodes of ABC's new "sexy comedy" "Cougar Town," starring Courteney Cox-Arquette, premiering tomorrow. (We've already made our opinion on this trend very clear.)

We here at Lemondrop cannot divulge exactly how we got our claws on the following spoilers, so don't you worry your pretty heads about it. Just sit back and enjoy the ride; the ride that's best enjoyed on the back of a cougar, without a saddle.

Episode One:
Courteney Cox-Arquette's character, Jules Cobb, is a recently divorced 40-year-old who moves to a small town in Florida with her 17-year-old son. She soon finds that the only single men in town to date are those younger than she is. She dates 'em anyway!

Episode Two:
Jules finds herself wondering whether her 17-year-old son's attractive male friend, who is also 17, might want to date her. It turns out he does not. But it doesn't discourage Jules from dating other younger men! She continues to do so in this episode.

Episode Three:
We learn that the high school football team in Jules's small Florida town is named the Cougars. This discovery proves a ripe opportunity to compare and contrast the two meanings of the word cougar. The third meaning, which refers to a stalk-and-ambush member of the Felidae family otherwise known as a mountain lion or catamount, is not explored except in Jules's occasional use of the slang, "Rowr!" when speaking about an attractive young man from the community whom she would like to date.


Episode Four:
Jules's last name, which is "Cobb," is the subject of a joke over a lunch date she has with a girlfriend, Lenore, who has a similar taste for young men. Jules orders a Cobb salad, and Lenore quips, "One Cobb for the Cobb!" They both laugh. Then, the two talk about how much they enjoy dating younger men.

Episode Five:
Jules is attacked and killed by an actual cougar who escapes from the Zoo. The only foreshadowing of this event is in episode three, when Jules's date says, "Kitty likes to scratch!" in response to Jules's directness in asking him out on a date. Sadly, the cougar that escaped from the zoo did indeed like to scratch, and the giant wild cat tore Jules's face and body into bloody flesh ribbons one night when she took her trash out to the curb. Jules is mourned in this episode by her friends, her son, her ex-husband and the young male members of the community she used to enjoy dating.

Episode Six:
The cougar that killed Jules is put to sleep by the local veterinarian. Lenore, the friend Jules had lunch with that time, eulogizes the cougar at a town hall meeting and bemoans what she calls a "senseless cougar-on-cougar" crime. At the end of her speech, a wild cougar appears from out of the woods and kills Lenore too.

Episode Seven:
Tipped off to the revenge taken on Lenore by the wild cougar from the woods, other cougars from neighboring zoos, public parks, nature preserves and circuses make their way into the Florida town with a thirst for human blood. One by one, the residents of what was once a sleepy suburb succumb to bloody, fur-strewn deaths, and soon wild cats roam the streets of Florida free.

Episode Eight (Season Finale):
The Florida town Jules originally moved to in hopes of creating a better, sexier new life for herself and her (now-deceased) son is unrecognizable from its state in the pilot episode. Now it is ruled by actual cougars, who have erected cat-specific laws that govern which urine-marked trees belong to which cougar, which cubs are permitted to eat the most raw meat based on how large their parents are and how much napping is permitted by cougars who are not the mayor.

The name of the suburb is officially changed to "Cougar Town," and the cougar mayor, Cougar Lindsay, cuts a ceremonial yarn ribbon in its renaming ceremony. All rejoice at a Cougar Party, which features huge punch bowls of milk, laid out on the ground like gigantic saucers, and periodic recitals of the Cougar Town anthem, which is mewing indecipherable to the human ear.