One of the best parts of having a platonic guy friend is having a go-to for the male perspective. And now I'm going to share my guy friend, Peter, with the world -- by answering your questions and then getting his take.
Over the summer I started hooking up with one of my ex-boyfriend's friends. So far only a few people know, but we're wondering whether we should take it to the next level. I know I've already unofficially stepped over some sort of line by moving in on my ex's friend, but I really like this dude. Am I a horrible person?
No, you're not horrible. It's your life and you can't help whom you're attracted to. Living in my hometown I can relate. Everyone knows everybody else, which leads to a dating pool filled with people who have dated each other and each other's friends. Over time, there's a good chance you may wind up fishing from the same pool, especially if the pickings are slim.
I'm on the fence. I think you should steer clear of that sort of situation and try and meet new people before falling back into old habits, but it looks like it may be too late for that. But this kind of thing does happen all the time, especially with people who run in similar groups or have grown up together.
And let's face it, there's something attractive about the situation as well. Sometimes keeping a relationship a secret can be a rush because it makes it that much harder to get away with. It's like a high. The downside is, that can disappear as soon as you make things public.Kristen:
I'm surprised you feel that way. Being a dude, I thought you would be all for this sort of situation! While I wouldn't advise dating a friend's ex
, as part of the girl code, that rule seems to have been left out of the guy's handbook. I know many dudes who have hooked up with their buddies' ex-girlfriends.
I think girls are just slicker about it. Guys think with their wieners -- did I really just say wiener? -- while girls think with their emotions. Guys kind of see that sort of thing as a challenge. But it's funny how people automatically blame the guy. If we hit on our friend's ex and she goes for it, she's just as much at fault!
But it does make me mad. I have a couple of friends who are good dudes and I know they would treat an ex I cared about well, but then those kinds of friends wouldn't date your ex, you know? So only a scumbag friend would do that to you. And if that's the case, I feel sorry for the girl who fell for him.
I'm shocked! Back to the question -- it might be awkward in the beginning if you decide to go public, especially with your ex, but there's a reason the two of you broke up. I would try to be classy about it, whether that means staying in a little more than usual or holding off on the PDA for a while, just to lessen the blow to your ex's ego ... unless he's the one who broke up with you, that is.
And if he did dump you, encourage your new guy to be direct with his friend by giving him the heads up that he's interested in you. If your ex gets pissed, he can play the, "But you don't even like her anymore!" card. It might come off like he's throwing a tantrum, but it's true. But if you're the one who left your ex in the dust, your new dude has to face the fact that there's a pretty good chance he'll lose a friend.
So tell us:
Have you ever dated one of your ex's buddies? How did it turn out?
Kristen Rollins blogs about relationships for Lemondrop. Peter Fertiguena runs Academy Printwear. Kristen and Peter met through mutual friends at a bar years ago and have been confidants ever since. They've made mistakes, been screwed over, been in love and fallen out of it, and figure it's about time someone told you the things they wish they had known all along.