One of the best parts of having a platonic guy friend is having a go-to for the male perspective. And now I'm going to share my guy friend, Peter, with the world -- by answering your questions and then getting his take.Over the summer I started hooking up with one of my ex-boyfriend's friends. So far only a few people know, but we're wondering whether we should take it to the next level. I know I've already unofficially stepped over some sort of line by moving in on my ex's friend, but I really like this dude. Am I a horrible person?
Kristen: No, you're not horrible. It's your life and you can't help whom you're attracted to. Living in my hometown I can relate. Everyone knows everybody else, which leads to a dating pool filled with people who have dated each other and each other's friends. Over time, there's a good chance you may wind up fishing from the same pool, especially if the pickings are slim.
Peter: I'm on the fence. I think you should steer clear of that sort of situation and try and meet new people before falling back into old habits, but it looks like it may be too late for that. But this kind of thing does happen all the time, especially with people who run in similar groups or have grown up together.
And let's face it, there's something attractive about the situation as well. Sometimes keeping a relationship a secret can be a rush because it makes it that much harder to get away with. It's like a high. The downside is, that can disappear as soon as you make things public.
Kristen: I'm surprised you feel that way. Being a dude, I thought you would be all for this sort of situation! While I wouldn't advise dating a friend's ex, as part of the girl code, that rule seems to have been left out of the guy's handbook. I know many dudes who have hooked up with their buddies' ex-girlfriends.
Peter: I think girls are just slicker about it. Guys think with their wieners -- did I really just say wiener? -- while girls think with their emotions. Guys kind of see that sort of thing as a challenge. But it's funny how people automatically blame the guy. If we hit on our friend's ex and she goes for it, she's just as much at fault!
But it does make me mad. I have a couple of friends who are good dudes and I know they would treat an ex I cared about well, but then those kinds of friends wouldn't date your ex, you know? So only a scumbag friend would do that to you. And if that's the case, I feel sorry for the girl who fell for him.
Kristen: I'm shocked! Back to the question -- it might be awkward in the beginning if you decide to go public, especially with your ex, but there's a reason the two of you broke up. I would try to be classy about it, whether that means staying in a little more than usual or holding off on the PDA for a while, just to lessen the blow to your ex's ego ... unless he's the one who broke up with you, that is.
Peter: And if he did dump you, encourage your new guy to be direct with his friend by giving him the heads up that he's interested in you. If your ex gets pissed, he can play the, "But you don't even like her anymore!" card. It might come off like he's throwing a tantrum, but it's true. But if you're the one who left your ex in the dust, your new dude has to face the fact that there's a pretty good chance he'll lose a friend.
So tell us: Have you ever dated one of your ex's buddies? How did it turn out?
Kristen Rollins blogs about relationships for Lemondrop. Peter Fertiguena runs Academy Printwear. Kristen and Peter met through mutual friends at a bar years ago and have been confidants ever since. They've made mistakes, been screwed over, been in love and fallen out of it, and figure it's about time someone told you the things they wish they had known all along.












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Tuesday 22 September
By Julie
I've dated from the same pool of guys, to the point that, most of them call each other friends (or acquaintances at the very least). I've broken up a few friendships, but for the most part, it goes over okay. You can't help who you like, and there's no reason to restrict yourself from a guy who knows a guy you dated. Especially if the original relationship wasn't much to begin with.
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Wednesday 23 September
By Recently Single
I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years at the start of this month (September 09). After 3 weeks of being single, I discovered she is now dating a friend of mine (but I don't know who)?!
Over the duration of the relationship, we have developed mutual friends, which makes it complex to draw a line in the sand between all of our friends. The amusing part is that some of the more distant friends started hitting on her in week 2 of singledom, including one of 'said friends' who have girlfriend (nice friends I know).
She is a stunning girl and has never been single for more than a month (in her adult life), its hard to stay cool about it, considering the short time since the end of the relationship. But I can't help but feel like its an attempt to get back at me for dumping her in the first place...
Bottom line is, I was hoping the next guy would at least be an upgrade, but other than that, I think what she really needs is a rebound guy from outside her current familiar pool of friends/wolves.
Oh, and I put a quote on my facebook status talking about vultures and seems as if the guilt is just overflowing amongst the 'great friends' :)
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Wednesday 23 September
By Julie
Recently Single,
I dated a guy for 2 1/2 years, and became close with many of his friends, to the point of hanging out with them even if he wasn't around (he worked nights). A few weeks after we broke up, one of his best friends since elementary school started to flat out hit on me, and was so rude as to send text messages to my ex bragging about how he was going to fuck me (he was unsuccessful btw). I think everyone else saw that this was totally wrong--except for that one guy.
Wednesday 30 September
By LRomeo
In my opinion, the hardest part of your situation is dealing with the rejection of her moving on so fast. No matter who ends the relationship, to watch (or know of) them moving on so abruptly hurts the most.
My ex of only a year (though it was an INTENSE year) recently met someone new a few months after breaking up—but only a few weeks after we last spent time together. It stings.
I think the most important thing to acknowledge is how easily you can be replaced. And who wants to be with someone who can so easily fill that void. At least for me, I want someone who could never replace me that easily…
Wednesday 23 September
By Peter Academy
I've definitely been in that situation before, I think it's even worse when you are dating in the same circle and everyone knows your business. Ever since then I've dated girls outside our group of friends to avoid the sharks that feed off of the gossip, as well as the ones waiting for us to breakup.
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Thursday 24 September
By Lucci
Here is my story. I dated a guy from work for a few months undercover. I did not want to go public until I was sure he was worth the price. Boy, was I glad I didn't! He dumped me out of the blue one night when we were having dinner at a local restaurant - "You are not the type of person I see myself in a long-term relationship with." After dumping me, he went on to hit on three other women at work and successfully dated them although they were all short-lived. Since I kept our relationship very discreet and never told anyone at work, I was saved from all the vicious gossips at work about him and his conquests. One of the women were friends with the other two and knew of their involvement with him, yet she willingly went ahead out public about him. One of the other women made a sexual harrassment claim against him, and the case is under investigation. The bottom line: this guy is a scumbag. It's kind of amazing that all four women (including me) are professional, intelligent women, yet we all fell for this jerk. It's been 8 months since the breakup, and I seriously think this guy is bipolar.
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Tuesday 29 September
By eSingle
Hi Lucci,
I can relate to you about it 'being amazing you fell for him.' I started dating a guy I worked with over a year ago. We dated for about a year and then continued to be "friends" and see each other until about a month ago when he met someone new. He LITERALLY was calling me on the way to his first date with her to discuss our "friendship." Now he is head over heels with her and probably "in love" for the long haul, like he [supposedly] was with me.
The thing is everything i hear about this girl reminds me of me. She's smart, ambitious; we have the same career interests; some of the same extracurriculars. I know it'll fall apart on them because he's extremely insecure and clingly. He can not be alone. (He got with me the same day he broke up with his ex of 3 years, and then continued to hang out with her and me in the interim between us breaking up and him meeting his new love.)
What kills me is she doesn't know the half of what he's like... and I wish I could warn her. After almost a year with him I realized I had lost a lot of my self-confidence and independence because of his needs... and I hate the through of him doing it to another strong, confident, happy girl. Ugh!
Why do we fall for them?
Friday 30 October
By Sonali
Read the comment "I think the most important thing to acknowledge is how easily you can be replaced. And who wants to be with someone who can so easily fill that void". My bf of 2.5 yrs dumped me on Valentine's day weekend this year. 4months later he was married!! Guess I can be easily replaced, and it was also a much better replacement because she was instantly upgraded to his wife :-)
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Thursday 07 January
By yyy
I am totally in love with my ex's friend. I feel guilty about this sometimes because i treated my ex pretty badly after he broke up with me (sent him a bunch of nasty e-mails, burned my bridges, shunned him out of my life). I also feel guilty because I professed eternal feelings of love for him, which must not have been as eternal as i thought, seeing as how I am now having feelings for other people. Maybe, after all, he was right to dump me.
That being said, he was kind of a douche when he dumped me, was rarely honest with me, and since he was the one to leave me - well, he left me so I feel that if he is annoyed that I am moving on with my life he is a hypocrite. In addition to this, we all became friends at the same time - I knew his friend before him, so I don't feel like I would be breaking apart any long term friendships. Now, if only his friend liked me as much as I like him - at this point, the relationship is pretty much only in my head. If only.
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