In country star Loretta Lynn's delightful memoir, "Still Woman Enough," she discloses that she didn't know that having babies was caused by having sex until after she was married and pregnant. We hear you, Loretta. After a recent informal survey around the office, we found out that we had some pretty wacky sexual misconceptions growing up. So we asked our friends, co-workers, and Twitter buddies to tell us their most wrong-headed notions about "makin' time."
Below, check out our roundup of childhood sexual misconceptions, helpfully ranked on a scale of Sexual Confusion. And thank your lucky stars for public school and HBO, because if we hadn't eventually learned about sex, we'd all be pregnant, in prison, or incredibly frustrated by the search for the elusive navel G-spot.
Misconception: "I thought sex was naked people on top of each other groping and kissing, like in movies. In fifth grade, my brother told me the penis went INSIDE. I was horrified." -- Meg, 28
Sexual Confusion Index: 3 out 11 Andy Dicks
Misconception: "My babysitter told me you could get AIDS from crying." -- Laura, 32.
Sexual Confusion Index: 3.5 out of 6 Alexis Arquettes



Misconception: "Penis + bellybutton = baby. I used to think that was the only way to do it, but now I realize that's just my preferred method." -- Sarah, 25
Sexual Confusion Index: 2 out of 6 Anne Heches


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Misconception: "The boyfriend I had when I was 18 still thought that girls only had one 'hole.'" -- Gina, 23
Sexual Confusion Index: 4 out of 7 Lohans




Misconception: "I once asked my grandma, 'Why do they call it blow if you suck?'" -- Alexis, 24.
Sexual Confusion Index: 2 out of 11 Andy Dicks
Misconception: "I thought a girl got pregnant when a guy peed in her." -- Erin, 26.
Sexual Confusion Index: 3 out of 6 Alexis Arquettes


Misconception: "I had no concept of a penis. I thought men had three balls and that's it. I'm glad I was wrong." -- Diana, 24.
Sexual Confusion Index: 5 out of 6 Anne Heches





Misconception: "My parents gave me the 'Where Did I Come From?' book when I was really young. So from the illustrations I thought babies were made by two hippies." -- Maggie, 28
Sexual Confusion Index: 2 out of 7 Lohans


Misconception: "I used to think that sex was for two people who really loved each other." -- Molly, 23
Sexual Confusion Index: 7 out of 7 Andy Dicks
Misconception: "I knew that sperm and eggs made babies. But, my parents neglected to mention these things came from people. For several years I thought that you could pick up eggs and sperm and go home and make yourself a baby. Kinda like pancakes." -- Ben, 26
Sexual Confusion Index: 5 out of 6 Alexis Arquettes





Misconception: "Two words: vagina dentata." - Tom, 29
Sexual Confusion Index: 4 out of 5 Anne Heches




All Photos Credit: Getty Images












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Monday 21 September
By Priscilla
lol that's funny
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Monday 21 September
By nantalones
First grade. "Rump Shaker" was a big song at the time. A classmate comes up to me and asks if I know what exactly "zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom" means. I say no and she leans in close and whispers in my ear,
"It's when you put the penis in the buh-gina and the buh-gina in the penis."
Reply
Saturday 03 October
By Emmanuella
lol; now that gal was truly hilarious or honestly listening to only the beats
Monday 21 September
By Vittoria Lynn
I remember, up until the age of 10, that sex was when two people were just naked in bed together, and that you got pregnant by eating a baby and it became yours after it came out of your "stomach".
Reply
Tuesday 22 September
By Sledge
damn! ........ DAMN!
Tuesday 22 September
By Kim
When they were small I told my kids that babies came out of a hole at the top of your leg... That's all the closer I was willing to go and they never questioned it!
Reply
Tuesday 22 September
By Harrison
When I was really young, I thought an egg passed through a man's nipple into a womans nipple and -ta da- pregnancy.
When I got a little older and understood the "instruments" involved in sex, I thought the vagina was in the front, where the opening to her zipper was. Theoretically I thought a man and woman could stand in front of each other with just their zippers open and have sex that way. Harrison, 22
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Tuesday 22 September
By mike
Yeah, I totally had that one too! I got the correct anatomy from porn though.
Tuesday 22 September
By Joe
My parents cared enough to explain it to me correctly the first time and I haven't had a problem yet.
Reply
Tuesday 22 September
By abriggzey
I wish my parents were this kind. I learned everything at a Catholic elementary school. Our 5th grade teacher told us everything we needed to know, and she never used "pet" names.
Monday 05 October
By Adriana
I learned everything from a very unlikely source! I was 12, and my mother had a book from--wait for it--Dr. James Dobson and in this book, intended, I'm sure, for newlyweds and 40 year-old virgins, it explained in unusually explicit detail how it was done. (I contemplated with word rigid for years and wondered exactly what a rigid penis would look and feel like. I'm still impressed). I learned also in that chapter that I had a third hole (somehow, that fact was lost on me in the 5th grade puberty talk). I can remember going pale and weak, not only finding out how it's done, but really being floored by the fundamental "nastiness" (in a good way) of the act. I would never think in a million years that a wiggly penis could and would transform and penetrate deep into unknown places. Ingenious and "dirtier" than I ever imagined. Beats my theory: I long suspected sex involved hands and rubbing, but couldn't quite figure out what was so sexual about hands. The best part is that I like thinking how it was Dr. James Dobson (Focus on the Family crap) who popped my mind's cherry and perverted me. ;)
Tuesday 22 September
By Plip
I remember in third grade we had the word "organism" as a spelling word and when I asked my friend what it meant he mistakenly thought it was an "orgasm" and told me all about how he'd seen one in a movie and a guy "peed white stuff for ages all over the shower walls" Crazy stuff.
Reply
Tuesday 22 September
By tammy
now thats a funny one. sounds like something that would happen to my son. lol
Saturday 03 October
By matt
hahahahahhah DAMN i used to think that if you put it in her but you would get her pregnant!!
Tuesday 22 September
By Doug
I asked my Mom where babies came from, and she said when a Mommy & Daddy want one, they could have one. I replied with a grimace, "So if a person just wants one, they get one?" And she answered, "No, because many people want them and never get them." At that point I was completely confused.
Reply
Tuesday 22 September
By mthudak
My old roommate, a platonic male roommate, who had been in 2 longterm hetero relationships during the many years we knew each other/lived together once told me that he thought there was a 4th "hole" that just opened up when it was time for the baby to be delivered, and then went away. I couldn't convince him otherwise. I was taking an anatomy course at the time, so I finally opened to the page that showed the female genitalia, and showed him that there were only 3 "holes," FINALLY convincing him that one of those "holes" had the dual purpose for intercourse and birth. BTW, he was over 30 at the time..
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Tuesday 22 September
By carah y watkins
i though that babies came when two people who really loved each other got married and then, tada God sent a baby to the mommys tummy to be born.
when a friend straightened me out on that,
i then thought that sex was kissing in bed naked and looking at each other.
Reply
Tuesday 22 September
By keith
I was raised in a very conservative Christian home where "sex" was a four-letter word. Until I was a teenager I thought that intercourse was the way "non-Christians" made babies but that if you were a Christian you would pray and, if God wanted you to have a baby, the woman would miraculously get pregnant . Sad, huh?
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Wednesday 23 September
By judith
That IS the saddest thing I've ever heard about supposed religious parents. Sounds like a "Carrie" movie.
Tuesday 22 September
By Loon
And now, the biggest misconception of all time (drum roll...............) SIZE DOESN'T MATTER!
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