Sharing a tiny dorm room with a complete stranger can be scary. But thanks to Facebook, you can learn all you need to know about your future roommate before you even show up. But don't rely on the profile to tell the whole truth. Here's a guide to deciphering your new roommate. (You may want to contact student housing for a room switch now.)
What her status updates say about her:
Status Update: Julia is.
Translation: "I want to come off as existential and deep, but really I have nothing to say."
Status Update: Julia IS HAVING THE WORST DAY EVER!! OMG
Translation: "I am an attention whore. Please ask me what's wrong. Prepare for a semester of high drama."
Click here to read more.
Status Update: Julia had the craziest night ever, even though I don't remember much of it!! Love my friends!!!
Translation: I'm a blackout drunk. I'm going to tell you everything about me, even the stuff you don't want to know, and probably throw up in our room at least once (and not in the toilet). You won't really like me, but I'll thank you for taking care of me, because did I tell you you're my FAAAAAVORITE!"
Status Update: Julia is up and watching Saturday morning kid shows!!!
Translation: "I'm bringing a crap ton of stuffed animals."
Status Update: Julia LOVES my pookie and can't imagine being at college without him!! :(
Translation: "I am extremely clingy and will not go out without my boy, so while you're off having fun I'm going to sit in my room, pout and wait for him to call. I'm also going to talk about my boyfriend incessantly. When he comes to visit, we'll be having nonstop sex -- with or without you in the room."
Status Update: Julia is a gangsta/rockstar/ninja/etc.
Translation: "I am not any of these things. I am an average person."
What her "activities/interests" really mean:
Chillaxing
Translation: "I smoke a LOT of weed."
Partyin
Translation: "Drink, drank, drunk."
"Twilight"
Translation: "Nerd alert."
Asking the big questions, Kant, Nietzsche
Translation: "I am going to judge your every decision and will bombard you with questions on how you live your life, journaling about it, and using you as an example in my philosophy assignments. In the end, I will probably have sex with my philosophy T.A."
Gettin crunk! Get hyphy!
Translation: "I strive to identify myself with urban culture, but really I grew up in the suburbs and have yet to come to terms with my middle-class existence. I will be taking at least one African studies elective."
GoInG oUT w/ MaH GuRLZ
Translation: "I'm pretty much a skank and like all my girlfriends to be hot, but not hotter than me, of course! Expect either to spend a lot of nights alone in the room (bonus!) or locked out, depending on the location of our dorm and my partner for the night."
Writing poetry (I'm published)
Translation: "I am a deep soul, but really I just like to feel superior to everyone else. I am published on poetry.com, where the only hits I've gotten are from myself as I marvel at my brilliance. Expect a lot of glares. And eyeliner."
Relaxing at home
Translation: "I am awkward."
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Comments:
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Tuesday 08 September
By veeb
Oh, please. Just because she got drunk (even black out drunk) once doesn't mean your roommate is bound to be some sort of STD-infested drunken whore. They're teenagers for Christ's sake. If she has that status 5 nights in a row, maybe you should be concerned. Realistically, though, most college freshmen drink excessively the first few months (or entire first year). How long ago were you in college, anyway?
Reply
Tuesday 08 September
By erin
It's not that she gets that drunk...it's that she feels the need to UPDATE HER STATUS TO SAY SO. that's the dumb part.
Wednesday 09 September
By cathy
Ha! I like the one about asking the big questions. I once had a college roommate who really did have sex with her philosophy T.A.
Reply
Wednesday 09 September
By tallatron
Who made you god of facebook? Get over your holier then thou preppy self!
Reply
Wednesday 09 September
By csalmon
actually the things people misunderstand is college students are ADULTS.not teenagers.so dont use the "theyre teenagers" thing.And im not some old person that hasnt been to college in years.im 19.in college.I know everyone drinks.i honestly dont care that much but they are drinking illegally as full grown adults.
Reply
Wednesday 09 September
By LULU
amusing translations....college age girls are just that....girls...not well on their way to becoming women...more like pathetic and desperate, eating and drinking their feelings of lonelienss, insecurity, veiled in feminists bravado, the walk of shame, and vulgarity that would match a sailor's. Four years of hardcore partying might get you a degree and your foot in the door, but it won't guarantee you can actually perform the work or keep the job! Wake up ladies!
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Wednesday 09 September
By James Meadows
Gee. Funny how nothing that they can say on their profile results in them being a good roommate or person. Every single statement listed in saying that they are a terrible person and going to be a terrible roommate. So, I would assume this person is saying that every roommate you have is going to be horrible. That is strange considering I know several people who became good friends with their college roommates. But, I suppose insulting everyone and talking negatively about people makes much more exciting stories.
Reply
Wednesday 07 October
By NickyO
I agree with you James. After reading that i wonder whats safe to put on facebook that won't make you look like a drunk, a nerd or a horrible person. Where were the positive spins? THAT was depressing to read!
Wednesday 09 September
By EmmayElle
I got rid of my facebook because I never went on it. The weird thing was people would be visibly upset with me for not commenting them back or poking them (wtf is that anyway??) Plus, as much as I hate to admit it (because it makes me sound like a seventy year old) it confused me!! People would send me these plants and then you have to make a garden and I just don't understand the point of having a "garden" on a computer. Then there was the Mafia Wars. Honestly, I didn't have time to figure it out and for some reason, people took that as me not caring about them. Call me crazy but I don't like having tons of people knowing what I did on Saturday and where I went, because whether I say anything about it or not, friends post pictures and they "tag" you and it goes back to your page. IDK maybe I am a seventy year old person (which is sad cuz I'm only eighteen) but I like to see how people are doing not see it on facebook. People should just respect my decision to not have a facebook. I definitely see the draw of it--it's a great way to stay connected with people--but it's just not for me. however, my cell is constantly on so if my friends want to reach me they know to just call/text me.
Reply
Wednesday 24 February
By Jamie
Well said, Emma. I had a Facebook account since August '09, gave it up in December'09. Found it to be useless info and ,at times, intrusive. I was on it on my pc, then on my cell phone. I , too, don't get the plant thing or the heart thing or the mafia wars thing..Yikes! I am a 42 yo male and have a life. I realized I survived just fine without facebook before last summer.It's Been 2 months without Facebook and no regrets. I am a Facebook survivor. People know my number/email/home address. They know where and how to reach me , if they want.
Don't get me wrong,this rant isn't intended to rile up the "pro-facebook crowd " either, just an expression of me stating that I do not need or want to be on Facebook anymore. Good luck to those whose lives are consumed with the online social networking scene(if you can call it a scene since its all virtual).
Jamie.