If "Dynasty" taught us anything – other than the health benefits of caviar and champagne breakfasts -- it's that what happens doesn't matter as much as what you're wearing when it does. Joan Collins firing a gun to make her archrival fall off her horse? Important. But Joan Collins doing it in red tartan, complete with tam o'shanter? Legendary.

Now when we have Technicolor daydreams about picking huffy arguments with those who've wronged us, we also imagine what we'll wear. After all, we want to look as devastating as possible when we flounce out of the room.

Who better to look to for fashion inspiration than the stars of soap operas? They bleed melodrama for a living. So when your life is as fraught with lovers and rivals as an episode of "All My Children," here's how to dress, courtesy of last weekend's Daytime Emmy awards.

Exhibit A: Wear Your Feelings
There's finding out your husband is cheating, and then there's finding out your husband is cheating on you with his ex-wife. And THEN there's finding out said ex-wife got knocked up and that your husband is one of THREE potential fathers.

It's hard to imagine wanting to leave the house at all, but if you do (ahem, Phyllis Newman on "Young and the Restless"), consider taking a page from Judith Chapman's book. She looks like a nun who fled the abbey to run a hybrid spa/ashram in Palm Springs. And there is no better way to say "I have risen above your caddish cheating ass" than floating through town like you're on your way to teach a transcendental hot-stone meditation class with optional pedicure.

Exhibit B: Dress to Depress
Sometimes, you lose the one you love. And sometimes, she gets crushed by a falling object during a tornado and dies in your arms, and in your grief you bond with a girl who turns out to be the secret fraternal twin sister (who was, of course, sold at birth) of your dead wife, and who is now nurturing you through your cancer diagnosis.

"All My Children's" Jacob Young is living that scenario at his day job, and should you find yourself in similarly dire straits, clearly the only sensible way to cope with that kind of trauma is to do as he does, and wear an ascot and a porkpie hat. Sometimes inner peace comes only through dressing like the delusional lead singer of a '90s boy band.

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Exhibit C: Defy Your Calendar Age
It's happened to the best of us: We wake up one day and our 16-year old daughter has decided to raise the presumed-dead baby that was just returned to her arms, thus making us grandmothers at the tender age of 48. Which stings even more when your face looks 38, as is the case with "One Life To Live's" Kassie DePaiva and her alter-ego, Blair Cramer.

When this happens to you -- and, if TV can be trusted, it will -- it's best to underline your eternal youth by stepping out in a little number you bought in the MILF section at Macy's (otherwise known as Juniors Dresses). Because when you're a premature grandmother, you can never display too much thigh or cleavage.

And if it reignites the passion of your ex-husband -- the former rapist who kidnapped his amnesiac victim fifteen years after the fact and brainwashed her into thinking he was a hero and then slept with and fell in love with her, well, even better. Never underestimate the healing power of cleavage.

Exhibit D: Elevate Crazy-Cat-Lady Couture
If you've gone off your rocker and will stop at nothing to wreak havoc on those who've wronged you, we advise you not to be subtle. Wear your crazy on your sleeve -- or, as Stacy Haiduk does in an homage to her loony Y&R alter-ego, carry it as a handbag.

Her dress is clearly what you wear if you're a witch on the way to a fancy-dress séance, and toting the stuffed cat to whom you pour out your soul -- dead things are such good listeners! -- is a surefire way to strike fear in the hearts of your enemies AND make sure nobody sits anywhere near you in restaurants. Double win! Also consider this option if you're looking to have a fiery confrontation with PETA.

Exhibit E: Earn Your Glam
It's hard enough for us to leave the house when we have a bad hair day. So we can't imagine how impossible it must be if you have been married twelve times -- many of them invalid -- and been to prison twice, kidnapped by Latin American terrorists, became disfigured in a car accident, and had an abortion that magically came back to life thirty years later.

If that's the case for you, then congratulations: You are Susan Lucci/Erica Kane, and you are entitled to wear whatever the hell you want. Even if it does serve up your boobs like marshmallows bobbing to the top of hot cocoa. You've earned it.

(All Images: Getty Images)