Esquire, the magazine we buy when we want our hands to smell like Drakkar Noir, recently came out with a list of 75 things men don't know about women. The advice comes from comedians, actresses, models and Carmen Electra. Because your time is precious, we've culled the best and worst advice below.

The Best:

"The concept of premenstrual syndrome was invented by a woman in Iowa who was trying to come up with a way to call her husband sh*t-for-brains without repercussions. Now we all benefit." -- Leslie Mann. Also works for getting out of gym class.
"If you're funny, we will sleep with you." -- Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Explains our otherwise inexplicable attraction to Zach Galifianakis.
"When you break up with us, that means it's over, and we will only sleep with you two or three more times." -- Jane Krakowski. We almost wish she hadn't let the cat out of the bag on this one. Oh, well. Ha ha, thanks for the free sex, suckers!
"All women love to be referred to as 'm'lady.' As in, 'Would you like another beer, m'lady?'" -- Cheryl Hines. PLEASE DO THIS ALWAYS.

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"If you defend a girl as 'really smart when you get to know her,' she is dumb. What you mean is, she's 'really smart for a smokin'-hot girl who is stupid.'" -- Mindy Kaling. Applies doubly to the new girlfriends of exes-we're-still-friends-with.
"We never fake orgasms. OK, once in a while we do. But only for the sake of expediency." -- Judy Greer. Dishonest? Perhaps. But sometimes it's just polite.
"Women like porn, too. We just hate it when you hide the porn." -- Alyssa Milano. We especially hate when you hide OUR porn.
"If you can locate the following items in our home -- tape, casserole dish, Christmas ornaments -- you will get laid." -- Jenna Fischer. Dude, seriously. We have no idea where we put that casserole dish.
"We hate baby showers as much as you assume a sane person would." -- Andrea Savage. Our hatred of things of this nature is well documented.
"The quickest way to a woman's heart is through her clit." -- Wanda Sykes. Well, Wanda would know.

The Worst:

"The Brazilian bikini wax is torture. To show a little appreciation, you could trim your nose hair. And your nut sack." -- Kathryn Hahn. We've been over this. Please. Leave your coinpurse alone.
"Want to spot a genuine blonde? Count her hairs. Blonds have around 140,000 hairs, brunettes 110,000, and redheads only 90,000." -- Ashley Jensen. A) Why would anybody care? B) What? C) Ashley Who?
"Breasts are not a speed bump to the promised land." -- Courtney Cox. Is this even English? Courtney, eat a sandwich, you're not making sense.
"If we love you, there is nothing so filthy that you can't say it in bed." -- Connie Britton. Obviously, Connie has never slept with as many men with mommy issues as we have.
"We'd much rather try on bras than see them on surgically altered, airbrushed supermodels, but we know how much you enjoy the Victoria's Secret catalog. Consider it a gift." -- Melora Hardin. We only get that catalog because we accidentally gave the checker our address in middle school. Also, we only date people who know how to find Internet porn.
"When we say, 'I don't like to play games,' it's because we are very experienced at playing games." -- Carmen Electra. This may be the dumbest thing to come out of Carmen since Criss Angel.
"Asking for directions is a really big turn-on." -- Samantha Mathis. Wow, this joke is older than Samantha Mathis.
"Women are interested in A-list things: A designers, A vacations, A orgasms." -- Kim Cattrall. Oy, Kim. Some of us are hoodies-and-road-trips-to-the-Doritos-factory kinds of girls.
"If you think we like the word 'panties,' you've been watching too much porn." -- Emily Deschanel. What do you call them, Emily? Underpants? Drawers? Also, unless you're Aaron from "Intervention," we really don't care about your porn consumption.
"No, we didn't see last week's 'Battlestar Galactica.'" - Jane Krakowski. Nobody did, because it's not on television anymore. And if it were, then yes, we would have seen it.