Martina Milburn: What Makes a Great Role Model
If you've ever been stuck next to somebody on the bus who smells like a wedge of Brie melted in a vat of onion soup, you've wished that that person could be locked up, or at least fined. Well, so does the city of Honolulu, apparently, as it's considering fining people who stink up the bus $500, whether the cause be body odor, a dirty pet, "offensive fumes," or a really large head-cheese sandwich. An alternative to the fine is six months in jail, which seems a little excessive. (Hey, we have to get home after the gym somehow.) We don't want to go all Singapore on everybody, but if people are going to be getting fined for smelling bad, there are a few other things we'd like punishable with a small fine/caning:
Spitting on the sidewalk
Actually still illegal in a lot of places from a time when everybody was chewing tobacco and had Hong Kong flu, we wish somebody would enforce this.
Trimming fingernails
Oh Lordy, the sound. The dirty fingernails flying everywhere. There are a million better places to do this than on a speeding subway train.
Leaving poop everywhere
There's supposed to be a pretty hefty fine for this, and if you've ever stepped squarely into a big pile o' dog mess and slid all over the place, you know that it's worth every last penny.
Click here for more public behaviors we'd like to outlaw.
Chewing with an open mouth
One of our friends said it best: "When a person chews with their mouth open, it's a sign that their parents didn't love them." Too true.
Laughing way louder than necessary
First of all, we're almost positive your friend isn't that funny. Second, are you happy now that everybody is finally paying attention to you? Because everybody else isn't happy.
Having a cell phone screaming match
Freedom of speech blah blah blah, nobody wants to hear you scream obscenities at your girlfriend while waiting in line to buy groceries.
Name dropping
Your cousin knows Peter Sarsgaard, congratulations, now run some laps for pretending like you aren't bragging about it.
Refusing seats for old people
Sure, you can keep sitting there while that 80-year old woman stands next to you with tears in her eyes, but it's going to cost you $65.
Leaving your bag on a seat
Sorry, but your Coach knockoff doesn't deserve a seat more than my tired butt. And to assume it does is completely ridiculous.
Singing for your supper
If you're planning on auditioning for "American Idol" please take voice lessons, don't ruin our commute by asking for everybody's opinion. And even if you do sound like Toni Braxton, that's still never a good thing.
In a magical wonderland where everybody is supposed to be a decent human being, what would you fine people for?
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Thursday 03 September
By JKD
Move over, I'm moving to Hawaii.
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Thursday 03 September
By NDS
If I could name drop I SO would.
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Saturday 05 September
By Suzi
I'm so glad you put spitting on the list! It's disgusting. The other day I was in a car on the passenger side with my window open. I almost got winged by a guy on the right who blew out a wad of spit just as I my friend was passing his car. I don't think he meant it, just didn't see us passing, but it was disgusting. Never mind the virtual minefield you have to navigate just to walk down a sidewalk.
BUT-One you missed was people flossing their teeth in public. I was in line at the movies and this couple was behind me, sharing dental floss. The guy had his jaw gaping open as he was trying to get to hard to reach teeth. Yuck!
I was at a club last night and the person next to me asked me if I had some floss. I'm all for hygiene, but come on people, at least take it to the rest room.
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Sunday 07 March
By Kevin
Spitting on the sidewalk was made illegal to prevent the spread of swine flu. It was beleived that people walked in spit and spread it around. I cannot prove this, but I remember it. You need to add excessive perfume to the list. People who pour on the cologne - sending anyones nervous system into fight or flight addrenaline mode, causing pain in the sinus's, failure and hardening of the lungs. It starts out as if being slapped open handed in the face with out warning.... I am also talking about the offenders who have BO that the perfume only acts as a carrier to bring more of it into your body. Where the bitter taste of the perfume and BO linger on your tounge, in your mouth and lungs making you feel as though you had been violated... and it lingers. It reminds me of Ben Siller's scene where his face is sliding down some hairy guys chest in a basket ball game. I say they should be fined and hosed down like Charlton Heston in the Planet of the Apes. Don't even get me started on femenin issues carried by the perfume or not being able to open your eyes around women because they are wearing too much - or worse, competeing at work to be the dominent scent. Oh the horror.
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Saturday 05 September
By Kevin
Maybe not Swine Flu, but Tuberculosis.
Wednesday 09 September
By tigertears
"I am also talking about the offenders who have BO that the perfume only acts as a carrier to bring more of it into your body.....Don't even get me started on femenin issues carried by the perfume"
WTF are you talking about?? You are crazy f-ud up in the head.You make it sound like perfume is some alien virus trying to spread it's seed over all of humanity! Nothing gets "carried" by perfume,you moron!
AND BTW- It's spelled "feminine"
Saturday 05 September
By Tori
The severity of Singapore's caning punishment has been severely and grossly overemphasised by US media, especially since US reporters were never inclined to reporting the Michael Fay incident in a fair and partial manner. And since then, ignorant people like the author of this article have continued to uphold these rednecked and fallacious beliefs.
Truly, caning is generally only carried out on sex offenders, drug traffickers and people who commit similarly severe and illegal acts. Maybe you don't know this but the cars that Michael Fay vandalised were most probably expensive ones like Benzes and Jaguars if you observe the locations that the cars were vandalised at. A basic Benz costs about 150,000 to 200,000 Sing dollars, which comes out to 100,000 US dollars. And that's all without extras. I can totally see some Americans coming after Fay with a shotgun, NOT a cane, if the vandalism was carried out in the States and cars cost as much as they did in Singapore. And besides, no one actually held a knife to Fay's neck and told him to vandalise those cars, or else...
Caning does help to enforce law most effectively, for all that you might whine about its brutality. Thus we've never had cases of Jaycee Lee Dugard proportions, nor have we had deaths like those of Heath Ledger's and DJ AM's.
And now Ms. Catron might say that she didn't know about the severity of Fay's actions, nor did she realise caning's (very many) benefits. Well there you have it: she doesn't know anything about Singapore's standard of living, nor has she contemplated the reason for caning. Contrary to what she might believe of Singapore, we're not all brain-washed, docile little people who don't even stop to say, "How high?" when the government tells us to jump. Caning does work very well as a deterrent and if you don't do stupid things, you won't get caned. So please lay off the Singapore bashing.
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Tuesday 15 September
By Sigmund
I totally support the perfume idea. It should include cologne too, though. Have... some of you people never had the traumatic experience of an old lady who makes waaay too much physical contact loom over you every day, whose perfume is about as old as she is? Do some women not notice that as it ages, it starts to smell like pee, or are you wearing it to attract someone whose into that kinda stuff? (dating sites are wonderful in cases like these...) If the perfume is that important to you, what's a $50 fine per day to make up for the pills I take to keep my acid from acting up, and making my stomach ulcer worse, around some chicks, and all the poor people with migraine problems, they must torture, and for just smelling like they need something to cover up the smell for sure!? There was this incident in middle school, in which a girl sprayed her crap in a boy's face, and he got sick all over. Smell like a buttercup if you must, but some perfume is just POTENT. One spray is plenty. That applies to spraybutter on popcorn, too. There's no guarantee that you're attracting men either, whether you bought it in Victoria's secret, and it has a sexy, cute little name, or you stole the first bottle of 4711 ever made off your grannies dusty potty/knitted doll-shrine thingie. It should be treated like an alien virus! These people ARE trying to spread their seed all over humanity! Well, at least, some of the axe fanatics are. lol that's a well-known fact honey...
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