If you've ever been stuck next to somebody on the bus who smells like a wedge of Brie melted in a vat of onion soup, you've wished that that person could be locked up, or at least fined. Well, so does the city of Honolulu, apparently, as it's considering fining people who stink up the bus $500
, whether the cause be body odor, a dirty pet, "offensive fumes," or a really large head-cheese sandwich.
An alternative to the fine is six months in jail, which seems a little excessive. (Hey, we have to get home after the gym somehow.) We don't want to go all Singapore
on everybody, but if people are going to be getting fined for smelling bad, there are a few other things we'd like punishable with a small fine/caning:Spitting on the sidewalk
Actually still illegal in a lot of places from a time when everybody was chewing tobacco and had Hong Kong flu, we wish somebody would enforce this.Trimming fingernails
Oh Lordy, the sound. The dirty fingernails flying everywhere. There are a million better places to do this than on a speeding subway train.Leaving poop everywhere
There's supposed to be a pretty hefty fine for this, and if you've ever stepped squarely into a big pile o' dog mess and slid all over the place, you know that it's worth every last penny.Click here
for more public behaviors we'd like to outlaw.Chewing with an open mouth
One of our friends said it best: "When a person chews with their mouth open, it's a sign that their parents didn't love them." Too true. Laughing way louder than necessary
First of all, we're almost positive your friend isn't that funny. Second, are you happy now that everybody is finally paying attention to you? Because everybody else isn't happy.Having a cell phone screaming match
Freedom of speech blah blah blah, nobody wants to hear you scream obscenities at your girlfriend while waiting in line to buy groceries.Name dropping
Your cousin knows Peter Sarsgaard, congratulations, now run some laps for pretending like you aren't bragging about it.Refusing seats for old people
Sure, you can keep sitting there while that 80-year old woman stands next to you with tears in her eyes, but it's going to cost you $65.Leaving your bag on a seat
Sorry, but your Coach knockoff doesn't deserve a seat more than my tired butt. And to assume it does is completely ridiculous.
Singing for your supper
If you're planning on auditioning for "American Idol" please take voice lessons, don't ruin our commute by asking for everybody's opinion. And even if you do sound like Toni Braxton, that's still never a good thing.
In a magical wonderland where everybody is supposed to be a decent human being, what would you fine people for?