Watching the viral video of an overzealous fan throwing a dildo at Adam Lambert reminds me just how uncomfortable sex toys make me. A fact that, as you can imagine, did me no favors when I attempted to unprude myself by attending a sex-toy party last weekend. No longer do I feel bad for you, Mr. Lambert, because within the 20 minutes I spent participating in an erotic "icebreaker" called Pass the Dildo, a pink cock was thrown at me no less than five times. Yet, my sex-party distaste seems to be in the minority opinion. Women love these parties.
And I ask you ladies, why?
Read on to hear about the sex toy party from hell.
I hate passing around cock rings and giggling together. The only time I want to giggle around a cock ring is if my boyfriend's wearing it and he's getting me off.
I detest watching you debating the merits of vibrating bullets and edible body chocolate, because that means I'm forced to imagine your boyfriend using these things on you. And unless your boyfriend is Zac Efron, vom.
I absolutely have zero interest in watching you reach down your shirt and apply minty "stimulating" gel to your nipples in front of the whole class, no matter how many times the hostess says it's OK to show and tell.
And I definitely don't want to participate in a mortifying oral game of Who's the Baddest Girl at the Party?, where you share the time you had butt sex in Cancun with the bartender from Coco Bongo.
I just don't. So spare me the party, and spare me the purple dildos. I'll order my goodies online.
Beth Brennan is the collective pseudonym for Lemondrop's sex and relationship bloggers and their more "sensitive" stories.
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Monday 31 August
By Lora
Ok, so I was invited to one a while ago by a friend. She knows I am a practicing Catholic & so, I politely declined. Needless to say, she got mad at me & confronted me a couple days later after she recovered from the "shock of my rejection"...
She pulled the "I'm Catholic too" card...to which I kindly said "well then you know that any kind of sexual act outside the confines of marriage is gravely wrong, so why are you having this party since you're not married?" LOL!
Seriously though, even in my days of not knowing my faith, I NEVER had the desire to get into any of this stuff, really. It's not that I am a prude of any kind, it's just not my thing & now that I am practicing my faith & am married, I see where this is up to a couples discretion. I can't even stand it when girlfriends start talking about sex. I don't need to know, I don't want to know. I think talking about it so openly, let alone having a sex toy party, really devalues the beauty & the intamacy of the act of sex. I don't think there's anything better than an evening of slow, intense seduction & enjoyment...and when people treat it so common place, so typical, and almost downright vulgar, it not only demierts the act, but the people too. I just don't think it should be a "public affair".
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Tuesday 08 September
By Sandy
Oh dear. Yes, I see you are quite happy in the the secrecy of your sexual marital union. For all the other married catholics that perhaps found out they weren't as sexually compatible as you, talking about it with others and sharing stories is a way to gather information that can help them in their own relationship. Not everyone is as lucky as you.
Monday 31 August
By Erin
"I detest watching you debating the merits of vibrating bullets and edible body chocolate, because that means I'm forced to imagine your boyfriend using these things on you. And unless your boyfriend is Zac Efron, vom."
amen, beth brennen.
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Tuesday 01 September
By alec
stop hiding behind your religion and lead your own life, people that let a religion dictate how they live their lives are stupid sheeple. if someone wants to have a sex party what does it matter if they're catholic or protestant or whatever. live your own life not your church's
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Wednesday 02 September
By har
thanks for the rant?
someone sounds a little prude
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Thursday 03 September
By Leigh
If your religious, and God didn't want you to masturbate he would have made your arms shorter!
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Friday 04 September
By panda
I was invited to one of these when I was 18 by my boyfriend's mom. I didn't go, and ever since I've wondered why she would ever have invited me. I've always thought that those parties were a bit silly, a chance for everyone to giggle. But even if I was to go to one, the last person I would want to see there is the person who gave birth to the man who would then be using these things on me. Too weird. I know she was just being nice, and trying to include me, but still.
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Saturday 05 September
By Jewel
You all need to lighten up, seriously and maybe be more open minded!
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Monday 07 September
By clopin
Really, it's not a matter of being stuffy, it is a matter of not wanting to envision my friends and their partners playing with minty gel. My mind is open, just not open enough to let thoughts of you with purple vibrators creep into my waking memory.
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Wednesday 09 September
By EmmayElle
haha they look like cat toys
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Monday 21 September
By Jennifer
pass the prude juice! id rather have safe sex with myself than forego the humiliation of giving up my celebacy to someone i dont know nor care about...so once again i say, pass the prude juice...and so much for catholics not believing in sex....nor contraception...WOW!!
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Friday 09 October
By Michele
I had the best time at a toy party. You definately need a rep who has a sense of humour. I was laughing so hard that I was crying. And I bought a lot of stuff!
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Monday 25 January
By Tara
Funny article! I can totally understand where you're coming from Beth - and if you get invited to another party you can politely decline. I on the other hand have to go to parties every weekend because.........it's my job! Seriously. I'm the lady handing off the pink dildo and passing the vibrating cock rings while the hens giggle and gossip. I've been doing this for years and I've had sooooo many women tell me just how wonderful it was to be able to talk about sex with their friends, discuss their purchase, likes and dislikes. It's really empowering for some - and for me. But, to each her own I say and if you don't like it - that's ok! We won't kidnap you with furry handcuffs and a leopard blindfold - we'll leave you to your online shopping :)
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