You've tried everything to catch the eye of that cutie at the end of the bar, but he still hasn't come over to say hi. That's because according to "Screw Cupid: The Sassy Girl's Guide to Picking Up Hot Guys," the way to a man's heart is through his ego -- specifically, by stomping all over it.
The new book, by Samantha Scholfield, argues that years of rejection have conditioned guys to be wary of girls who seem to be giving a green light. Her solution? Make the moves yourself, and make sure you've got lots of neg-type tricks up your sleeves.
Here a few of the book's do's and don'ts to take you from pathetic to playa. Let us know what you think of them in the comments.
DO Play Hard to Get
Approaching a guy and saying hello may seem innocent to you, but Schofield says that, to him, you've broadcast your feelings, making him more likely to get intimidated and snub you. The book advises women to remain indifferent to the conversation, like you could take it or leave it.
"Neutral communication basically puts up a smokescreen that both parties can hide behind until they decide it's OK to show interest," says Scholfield. "It's a social tactic that creates natural, fun and easy conversation."
So how do you demonstrate your Swiss-like indifference? Ditch the flirtatious body language (smiling, catching his eye, giggling too loud) and do like you did in second grade: Ignore the boy. Don't look at him, only approach his area if you have a feasible reason for doing so (i.e., he's standing at the bar and you need a drink), and turn your body slightly away from him.
You want it to appear like he happens to be standing where you are -- not that you came over to be by him.
DON'T Buy Him a Drink
In real life (or at least in Scholfield's experience), offering to buy a dude a drink backfires because you seem desperate. Apparently, paying for a stranger's beer crosses the line from flirtatious behavior to weirdo aggressiveness. You're being too obvious about your interest in him.
Since you're totally neutral, you can start a conversation by asking him for information (like asking the time) or commenting on a shared experience. ("Did you just see that guy get kicked out of the bar? Some people can't handle their liquor!")
But don't put all your energy into memorizing a line -- the conversation will only flow if you're relaxed enough to make follow-up conversation that keeps the dialogue going.
If he doesn't bite or you keep getting one-word yes/no answers, move on.
DON'T Give Him Your Number
Scholfield suggests bypassing the wait-for-him-to-call step completely -- lock it down then and there! If a guy asks for your number, tell him that your phone is on the fritz and ask him what his week looks like. That way, you walk away with a date, not just a vague promise.
We were excited about the idea of (finally) a girls-take-charge dating guide, but the whole don't-seem-too-aggressive angle sounds more like "The Rules" than "The Game."
There are plenty of great points in "Screw Cupid," but we draw the line at the scripted openers, like asking why guys grunt at the gym or whether they think Angelina Jolie is hot. The act-uninterested/tease-him tactic is from the whole pick-up artist scene. Considering that we've actually called guys out for using these techniques (they turn bright red, btw), we can't really get behind throwing the same tricks at men.
Tell Us: Have you ever picked up a guy? What'd you do?
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Comments:
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Sunday 30 August
By Steve - Swim Dude
There are just as many Women cheaters as men. My wife cheated on me for 2 years. I have been divorced for 6 years and have Zero interest in ever hooking up with a woman again. Most women today are heartless, manipulative sots that are only in it for the games. I am raising a 13 year old daughter by myself and have found I have no need for a woman in my life.
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Sunday 30 August
By Jonathan
This is basically Mystery Method, pick up artist stuff. Ladies, do you really think you're going to get a guy, using the same methods as a guy???
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Sunday 30 August
By PJEnt
Seriously, Lauren. You are spot on. It's women that play games that make me wish I wasn't single. It's a nightmare to find a sweet girl because it would seem that there are only small minded, shallow women out there and it's books like this one that makes it even worse. Thanks but no thanks. Wanna play games? I'm sure you could find a boyfriend at an all ages club that would be right down your alley. Be sweet and forget the games and you'll find the guy who is right for you.
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Sunday 30 August
By Splish
Ladies, ladies, this person is giving you really bad advice. Games from the start? You're history. Just be honest with yourself if you're attracted to a guy. Smile and flirt and it will go a long way towards an honest and fruitful relationship. Guys have big egos and will love your initiated attention.
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Sunday 30 August
By Susan Boehm
All this "advice" is nuts! First be friends. Why be anyone but your true self? I had the happiest, best, marriage in the world because I married my best friend! No pretenses, no B.S., just good old honesty.We had no secrets, only honesty, and MOST important respect for each other. Unfortunatley he died 8 months ago. I cherish every moment and memory! No regrets. He wasn't what the norm would call good looking, or wealthy. Just genuine. Looks and sex fade. Friendship, love & respect last forever!
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Sunday 30 August
By a guy
This is bullshit. If you're interested in someone, say so. If I talk to a woman and she acts like she's not interested -- surprise! I'm going to assume she's not interested. If you want something real, be real. If you want bullshit games, well, okay, but don't be surprised if you get guys who play bullshit games with you, too.
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Sunday 30 August
By RKMuggsy31
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Dear ladies,
Here is a little bit of advice for you. If and when a man shows some interest in you, and if you are interested in him, it's not a real good idea to to try and pretend that you are not that readily available so he will have to keep trying and trying to meet you. In a lot of men's eyes, myself included, this behavior is interpreted as the female initiating some type of 'game playing'. Two possible negative responses from men can follow: #1... If the man is sensitive, he can take this as rejection and just not try again. How is he supposed to know if you don't want to be bothered, or if you just want to be pursued a little. #2...the second possible negative response can be that the man will interpret it as 'the hunter and the hunted'. His goal know is to just keep pursuing you until he can have sex with you and then 'dump' you...game over. The result is the woman now hates the man for using her.
Ladies, this is not the 1950's any more. If you want to meet someone, be up front about it instead of starting your game playing. If you want to be chased, go rob a bank....they will definitely chase you.
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Monday 31 August
By Daddy-Man
Down South here, our women conduct themselves ah differant way! They know that patten black heels fishnets,or seamed hose are a way to catch a man's eye!
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Monday 31 August
By Mickey
Why didn't we just listen to our grandmothers????
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Tuesday 01 September
By Wow.
You just had to say the game didnt you.
I lost.
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Wednesday 02 September
By marie helene
I agree that the indifference thing seems to work. oddly enough, it not only works in person but also in online dating situations. i have tried it on match dot com and it's amazing how much more successful you are when you maintain aloofness in cyberspace.
For instance, if I think someone is attractive, and I can tell he likes me as well (because he has revisited my profile several times, but not yet contacted me), I do not write or "wink" at him (a cute little mechanism for greeting someone without actually writing a note). I look at his profile several times over several days but do not take any of the more aggressive steps.
So, he knows I am interested by knowing that I have viewed his profile (match offers its members lists of those who have viewed them), but I am not interested enough to contact him.
Over a period of days or weeks, this apparently drives a guy wild with interest, because sooner or later, he winks and writes and asks me for a date.
Conversely, in situations where I am not aloof, I flop. Guys do not generally respond to winks from me, although dozens of them contact me by winking. Same thing goes if I send an email. It rarely results in anything except a polite "no thank you."
The silliest example of how the whole hard to get thing works is that you have to maintain the aloof stance at least until the first date. For instance, if you refrain from contacting a guy, and view his profile only, and he contacts you, you can still blow it if you are too eager or give away too much information in your response. Invariably he will back away unless you limit your email to a few friendly but cool statements.
If he does back away, you have to ignore him completely until he returns, even if he drops out of sight after asking you out on a date. It doesn't work to email him and say, so, you said you'd like to meet...where and when...or something like that.
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Tuesday 27 October
By stephen
first of all when you start one of these and you say that "after years of rejection blah blah blah..." you dont immediately follow up with play hard to get. it just doesnt make sence. look i can tell you a few things. ONE- what kind of guy are you looking for? are you looking for a guy that acts shy except in bed, or are you looking for the guy that has that wild and crazy side that he likes to show everyone all the time? the way you go about getting the guy all depends on the type of guy. but one thing will always be true no matter what, its that if he hasnt noticed you, your doing something wrong. and that can be one of three things, either ONE--he HAS noticed you and is just scared in which case you need to go over there, TWO-- he HAS noticed you but has been rejected enough to know that you are not worth it if you wont go over here on your own free will in which case you need to go over there, or THREE--- he HAS NOT noticed you because you havent made yourself noticed, in which case you need to go over there before he goes to the girl he HAS noticed. remember, you ALWAYS have competition. but one thing is made clear through all of these. and that is that you need to go over there. quit being so childish and go over there and get him, if your at a bar to pick up a guy your old enough to know that if you want something you have to go do it yourself, god is not going to whisper in his ear that he needs to go talk to you. its just not going to happen. and about acting like your not interested...DONT DO THAT....its going to give him the impression that he isnt going to get anywhere so he is going to drop you like a bad habbit unless hes desperate and you dont want to be the girl that he ended up with because he was desperate trust me. which means that if your interested and hes interested get his number and give him yours. worst case senario he ends up being a creep and you stop talking to him. thats that. sometimes I wonder where people get this stuff really. BEST advice....go get one of your guy friends for advice hell ask one for advice and you might find out that you have had a secret admirer right under your nose. and your friends will always treat you best so dont listen to this article and go ask a guy how to pick up guys.
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Tuesday 03 November
By kurt
this sounds like absolutely terrible advice to me.
there's this girl i know who does this sort of stuff to me. i know she's attracted to me. one day i saw her coming on the train. i'm sitting at the back of the carriage. she gets on at the front of the carriage. she walks all the way down, then sits a metre away from me, pretending as if she didn't see me. i say hi, and she turns as if she just noticed me. as soon as i tell her that this is my stop, she turns away and starts reading her book, as if she were pleased to be rid of me or something.
i just think "what a douchebag." i think, this girl is not worth my time if she's going to play stupid grade 2 games with me. i know the whole thing is designed to get the guy to chase... but why am i going to chase when you haven't shown me anything worth chasing. all you've shown me is that you're rude and stupid.
if you're acting aloof, maybe i'll think you really aren't interested, and i'll walk off. or maybe i'll see that you're merely acting, and i'll think that you're ingenuine or don't know what you really want, and i'll walk off. on a certain type of guy, this stuff can push his buttons and work. probably lame-ass guys.
i think the set-up-a-date-right-now idea is a good one, but why do you have to lie and deny a guy your phone number to set up a date? that's... retarded.
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Tuesday 17 November
By veronique
I learned it the hard way not to keep with this type of paly-the-game- advice! Was very interested in a very nice guy who asked me out and I took some good (!) advice on not getting intimate before the third date! Who the hell gave that advice I dont know but it is everywhere on the internet- result is he went off with another girl who got really intimate on the first contact (not even date) when he was spending all his spare time dating me! Now, I do as I feel- still have not got a relationship but at least I know how to treat these guidances
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Friday 16 July
By Yee .
They always just come to me .
I play it cute and adorable but smart too.
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Thursday 17 March
By Steelight
Okay, first let me start by saying I'm a guy so I know what works for guys. The advice above is BULLSHIT!...ALL OF IT! NEVER try any of those things on me! It WON'T work!
First, the reason he's not approaching you isn't because he's been conditioned by rejection to avoid the green light. He's either SHY by nature or has been conditioned by rejection to be SHY! Believe it or not (whether they admit it or not) most guys are SHY of women, at least the attractive women.
DO NOT play hard to get. Guys are SO TIRED of the "hard-to-get" game by the time they're 15. It's FRUSTRATING! Guys are simple creatures. If you like us, let us know! (even if it's by dropping hints, don't make those hints TOO subtle). If you're playing "hard-to-get" he's might think his chances are slim (unless he's a pick-up artist, in which case, you won't see him for long anyway) and this will cause him to walk! He will look for someone else who he thinks IS interested in him.
BUY HIM A DRINK! HE WILL BE THE HAPPIEST MAN ALIVE, ESPECIALLY IF THAT DRINK IS A BEER! (shots aren't very casual). Not only will he know you like him (WHICH IS GOOD!) but he'll be SO relieved that for once in his life, HE doesn't have to buy the drink! AND he gets to enjoy a nice cold beer while talking to you (and you look one beer better, at least for the moment). Even if you're UGLY, if you buy a guy a beer, he'll at least enjoy your company. If you're NOT ugly, you've got yourself a date almost guaranteed!
YOU DON'T NEED AN OPENER!!! JUST SAY HI!! If you're even MILDLY attractive and you say hi to a guy, he's gonna be SO happy that FINALLY he doesn't have to do ALL the work and approach every single he wants to talk to. You will relieve ALL the tension he's had built up for weeks or months probably! JUST BY SAYING HI!! Shit, you could go up to him and say "There's a money flying in the sky" and he won't be scared away (unless you're ugly, in which case, anything you do will scare him away).
GIVE HIM YOUR NUMBER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! Now, the advice says something about not getting a vague promise from guys. If you don't want a "vague promise" that he'll call, ASK FOR HIS NUMBER!!! Like I keep saying, if you're even MILDLY attractive, he will most likely jump at the chance to give you his number. Then you can call/text HIM! It's still a good idea to give him your number so at least he can put it in his phone and he'll know who's calling later.
Basically, read the article, do the opposite of the article, and you'll be GOLDEN!
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