Are you talentless? Do you lack any kind of marketable skill? Does your idea of work involve posing for Playboy and then carrying the magazine around town waving it at any cameras -- paparazzi or otherwise -- that you can find?

Then congratulations! Because while in the olden days you'd have ended up a down-and-out, dirt-smeared hobo, the aughts are an era in which your aimlessness could be rewarded with a lucrative career in the exciting new Famewhoring industry.

Your mentors in this exciting new career path: Spencer and Heidi Pratt, two jerks from "The Hills" who, by making their oft-fractured relationship the fulcrum of every episode and countless magazine cover stories, became two jerks from "The Hills" who rake in millions.

Like them, by being willing to pimp any detail of your life -- however meaningless or intimate -- you too can make bank by (allegedly) tipping off the tabloids to your location, or (allegedly) scoring freebies from companies who want the easy publicity of seeing you wear their products the next time you're in Us talking about your broken heart/engagement bliss/baby joy.

If this get-rich-lazy scheme sounds exciting to you, click here for a few lessons you'll need to learn before you can become a truly majestic, soul-selling tabloid-attention hog.

Do: Air Your Family's Dirty Laundry
Should you, Aspiring Needy Famewhore, find yourself in the midst of some familial drama -- perhaps because your parents feel you are wasting your college education -- resist the urge to handle it like a mature adult. When Candy Spelling felt her daughter Tori was using their feud as material for her cable reality show, did she calmly discuss this with Tori in private? Certainly not! To communicate her displeasure, she posted an open letter on TMZ.com, in which she also referred to Tori as "middle-aged." Other than public nudity -- more on that later -- there is no better way to get attention than by using the media to fight with another famous person. Especially a relative. Sure, you may end up alone with no immediate family speaking to you, but you can dry your eyes on hundred-dollar bills.

Don't: Display Any Self-Awareness
Spencer lasted only one episode on "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here" before whining that he was too famous and "five-star" for the rest of those yokels (who included NBA champion John Salley, Janice Dickinson and a Baldwin, all considerably more recognizable to the average American). And Heidi frequently preaches a pious life with a commitment to Jesus, but apparently they have an open relationship, because she just greased herself up and posed for Playboy. Living in happy denial of one's contradictions and/or true societal value is a famewhore's nirvana. The best way to achieve this is to surround yourself with people who never disagree or argue with you, so the sooner you cut off your real friends, the better.

Do: Date Your Way Into the Public Eye
If the tabloids have it correct, prior to shacking up with Jon Gosselin about two seconds after his split from Kate was announced, the only time Hailey Glassman had seen her name in print was on an arrest report. But now you can't open one of those tabloids without seeing her mug next to accounts of their fling. It goes to show that you don't need good taste in men: If there's an available dude of any repute at all, even if he's in a midlife crisis where he wears only Ed Hardy shirts and flip-flops while neglecting his houseful of children, POUNCE. Your parents may not thank you, but your publicist -- because you'll have to hire one -- will.

Don't: Be Quiet About It When You (Inevitably) Split
Remember when you couldn't flip through rags at the hairdresser without seeing a cover proclaiming George Clooney all but engaged to Las Vegas waitress Sarah Larson? We do, and not just because we were seething with jealousy. Larson spent a year as Clooney's arm candy, going everywhere from the Oscars to his Lake Como villa. We were certain it was a short leap from there to "Dancing With the Stars" ... until they broke up, and Larson gracefully faded back into obscurity. Who DOES that? What a tragic, needless waste of all that precious press ink. A true famewhore always kisses and tells -- or at least tells all about how she won't kiss and tell.

Do: Have Sex on Camera
This is obviously a slam-dunk, because if there's anything people with good Internet connections can't resist, it's grainy pseudo-porn in which you get to show off your hot ass. Indeed, Kim Kardashian merely dabbled with notoriety before the release of her sex tape with R&B singer Ray-J, which was carefully lit, lovingly shot, and intercut with footage of Kim wooing the camera while frolicking in the surf. Now she has her own reality show, an NFL-star ex, and front-row seats at New York Fashion Week. You do the math. And if you don't own a camera, get naked for someone else's, a la Heidi's Playboy escapade. Stripping down for your boyfriend is one thing, but getting Hugh Hefner involved? Famewhoring at its best!

Don't: Let Modesty Happen to You
Heidi and Spencer suffer from a disorder that would be considered debilitating in polite society, but which is an invaluable asset for famewhores: They cannot shut up. Ever. The Pratts eagerly explain in great detail how much mind-blowing sex they have or are planning to have; they also announced that 9/11 was "an inside job" and endorsed John McCain's presidential campaign, which we're sure totally rocked the much-courted famewhore vote. In short, never has a thought floated through their minds unexpressed. That's socially cumbersome for normal people, but the inability to put a sock in it is a famewhore's most valuable trait. The crazier, more controversial things you say, the more people will write about you, even if they're gagging as they do it. And trust us -- we are.

Read more from Heather and Jessica on Lemondrop or at their site, Go Fug Yourself.