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Disgusted and amused by the stellar parenting skills showcased daily on the Internet and in real life -- and inspired by Walker Lamond's fatherly tome, "Rules for My Unborn Son" -- I've decided to pen my own oath to my future child. Enjoy:

Dear Unborn Kid,

Someday I will be your mom. When that day comes -- and no matter how tempted I may be during labor -- I promise not to name you after a piece of fruit or a comic book character, causing you a lifetime of bullying by more fortunately named kids. I also promise not to:

1. Let the highest bidder on eBay choose your name.

2. Film your birth National Geographic-style and post the video online for all to see.

3. Mix morphine with the milk in your bottle to get Daddy's attention.

4. Dress you in baby clothes designed with sayings like, "I have a hot momma" or "Party at my crib."

5. Talk about your bowel movements, take photos of your bowel movements or shoot video of your bowel movements.

Click here for more mom-tastic promises.



cigarette smoking toddler6. Give you a cigarette when you're still sporting diapers.

7. Store weapons in your stroller. This also applies to cribs and high chairs.

8. Interpret the appearance of your first tooth as a green light for introducing you to the wonders of the McDonald's value menu.

9. Accuse a cab driver of negligence if I accidentally leave you in a taxi cab. For that matter, I won't leave you in a taxi cab.

10. Let you watch creepy kid's shows like "Dora the Explorer" and her maniacal map.

11. Lock you in your bedroom (or leave you in the car in the middle of a heat wave in August) so I can have a little me-time at Wal-Mart.

12. Bring you to an Easter egg hunt at the Playboy Mansion.

13. Use you as a test dummy of my religious beliefs.

14. Give you a spray tan, force you to wear false eyelashes and then ask you to sing and dance for a crown and a trophy.

15. Buy you a toy doll that simulates the act of breast-feeding.

16. Shoot you with a BB gun to win a $1 bet.

17. Do anything the Octomom does. Anything.

18. Let you stroll around barefoot on the subway before you're old enough to realize where the particular "smells" of the subway come from.

19. Film you saying silly things when you're still drugged-up from a trip to the dentist, put the video on YouTube, and then create and sell a T-shirt based on the video.

20. Send you a friend request on Facebook.

21. Install a 98-inch TV screen in your bedroom ceiling. It may seem cruel to you at the time but you'll thank me later when you don't need a crane to lift you out of bed.

22. Post an ad on Craigslist offering an actor $500 to pose as a dog walker and then steal your pet.

23. Spray you with mace when you refuse to let me drive after drinking.

24. Announce to friends and family when you begin puberty.

25. Use an empty Xbox case to wrap a gift for you so that when you open the present you think you're getting an Xbox, but (Merry Christmas!) the joke's on you.

Love,
Mom

Amber is blissfully child-free thanks to plain luck. She's also a writer and editor living in Brooklyn.