Three years ago, Courtney was a lovestruck 23-year-old planning her wedding. She'd been with her fiancé for less than a year when the reality hit her during a trip to the florist. "We were at a consultation with our florist, and I was getting really excited about the flowers," she says. "And I suddenly realized that I was more excited about the flowers than I was about going home with him. I was genuinely more excited about the wedding than the marriage."
At first, Courtney figured she had cold feet, so she and her guy postponed the ceremony. But after a few weeks of wrestling with her nerves -- and one very helpful conversation with her mentor -- the to-be-wed gave back the ring and called things off.
"Because we dated for such a short time, I think the engagement brought up a lot of questions and doubts that we hadn't had to deal with in the first six months of dating."
Click here to read more real brides' tales.
In a society that stereotypes women as wedding-crazed obsessives, women who doubt their relationships can feel alone -- but Courtney's story is far from unique.
From Breakup to BookAnne Milford had her own a-ha moment five months into her engagement. "I had gone to a friend's wedding, and my fiancé couldn't come, and I had a blast without him," she shares. "I thought to myself, 'You are a fraud! You don't even like him!'"
After the experience, Milford joined forces with licensed therapist Jennifer Guavain to write "How to Marry the Wrong Guy: A Guide for Avoiding the Biggest Mistake of Your Life," a book aiming to help women who worry they're about to wed Mr. Wrong.
Milford and Guavain found that three out of every 10 divorced women admit they already knew their marriage was a mistake by the time they walked down the aisle. "We're trying to address the question of 'Why is our nation's divorce rate so high?' I assert that it is because so many marriages are over before they start," says Milford.
So why would a woman marry a guy she knows isn't the right guy? The book's interviewees shared the same reasons: 1) All my friends are getting married; 2) We are too far along in the planning process; 3) I want to be married; and 4) Embarrassment.
"Our ambition is to help women have better relationships and, therefore, better, successful marriages," she says.
Sarah's StorySarah, 36, called off her wedding four years ago after almost six years with her guy. She started to sense they weren't meant to be after about a year, but wasn't yet ready to call things off.
"You get comfortable, and a year turns into five years so quickly," she says. "We lived together which makes it even harder to get out."
When her longtime boyfriend finally proposed, Sarah was forced to face up to the situation. "I remember thinking, 'This isn't the way I should be feeling. I know I should be more excited than I am,' but he was down on one knee, so I thought, 'Sure we've had our issues, but he really is a good guy.' Plus, once you start getting into wedding planning all that excitement starts to overshadow your doubt."
Just like in Courtney's case, it was wedding planning that brought things to a head. "It brings out the crazy in families, and many of our issues were already family related," she says. "It opened my eyes to a lot of red flags that I had been ignoring."
The Aftermath of a BreakupFor Sarah, the long-postponed breakup started her on the path to self-discovery. "We postponed the wedding and started going to couples counseling, which ended up being me going to counseling by myself," she says. "After about a year of therapy, I realized I was fighting for a relationship that I didn't even want to fight for." Eventually, she and her fiancé called off the nuptials altogether.
Courtney also learned more about her own dating habits. "Looking back, I know I loved my fiancé , but I didn't love him like a husband. Since then, I've made wiser dating decisions, and I've also learned that my desire to 'fix' things shouldn't apply to my boyfriends."
"It definitely helped me handle things differently in the relationships that followed," agrees Sarah.
"It takes a lot of strength to do what I did," says Sarah. "I am 36 and still single. If I just wanted to be married, I could be -- but I want to marry the right person."
Tell us! Have you or someone you know ever called off a wedding? What finally made the bride-to-be see the light?Also on Lemondrop:
Limbless dancer performs at Juilliard.
Newlywed discovers her husband is annoying.
Model flaunts a real body.
Breast-feeding moms take over NYC subways.












Comments:
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Wednesday 12 August
By S
that's horrible that people are so selfish that they end up marrying someone just for their own reasons. if you're not feeling it with someone or whatever doesn't feel right just let it go and let the person be to find their match. no point of wasting time and building up unnecessary bad emotions. just be honest and do what you gotta do.
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Sunday 23 August
By Married
Look at the divorce rate in America. Tell me that this is not common. Also, as others have said many couples change dramatically once they are married. Something about marriage makes people feel more comfortable about showing the real person to the partner.
Sunday 23 August
By Maggie
How wonderful for you that you've never felt trapped in a relationship. Congratulations. That isn't always the case though. Between financial responsibilities and family pressure, I didn't know how I would survive (on my own) without going through with the wedding. Unfortunately, I knew about half an hour after the wedding I had just made a HUGE mistake. It took 5 1/2 years of being in a bad marriage to get to this point, but we're separated now and I'm much happier. We get along much better as friends than we ever did as a married couple. I haven't read the book yet, but I wish it were around 10 years ago, when this relationship got started. I think it might have given me the courage to make different, better decisions. The best part that came from my bad decision making is the dog that I own now. He's the true love of my life and I wouldn't have him if I had done things any differently.
Sunday 23 August
By blade451
At least they copped to it... Instead of ruining the poor schmucks's lives. They all may come of as selfish ( especially the one with the flowers), but at least they stood up. Although I can't believe someone would get married, "because my friends are" Really????... That's a reason to try a new diet, not make a lifelong committment to another human..
Monday 24 August
By Pantsmarty
It does take strength to call off a wedding. Suspend your judgment until you've been in a similar situation. I didn't even necessary feel a strong want or need to get married. I'm not really even a wedding person. I was just comfortable in my five year relationship. The proposal was when I realized comfort did not equal lifelong happiness. Perhaps it was selfish to take up someone's times, but again...hold your judgement (S, looking your way, pal). I would have said the same thing a few years ago.
Wednesday 12 August
By Mags
You make it sound obvious, S. Sometimes it's really not. While I didn't have doubts for my wedding, I did end up separating from him 3 years later. It does get really hard to do the right thing for yourself -- you're upsetting so many people by separating or calling off a wedding.
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Friday 21 August
By P
I couldn't agree with you more. Even though it seems like it should be clear, that's not always the case. Especially when his family and friends become your family and friends. To brake things off would mean losing more than just a fiancee'. So hard.
Sunday 23 August
By s
It's because it is obvious. It's creating more problems for people later on. I think not getting married before a separation or divorce occurs. A break up is far much easier than getting into a marriage then putting people through those reasons. There are a lot of movies being made about this. For example, he's just not that into you etc.
Wednesday 12 August
By Jocee
I was one of those teenage bride-to-be's that thought that just because she had a ring on her finger she had to put up with whatever her fiancee dished up. That included theft, fraud, fighting, cheating, lies, and physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.
One night we had one of those fight-to-end-all fights about a lady friend of his I didn't really like (and who didnt like, nor respect, me), and I realized that I didn't have to spend all my life smiling politely at people when they asked me why I put up with him. I also realized that an argment or heated discussion is far, far different from fighting. The first two are a natural part of a relationship and the sign of two independant, established people and the latter is a huge reg flag.
Almost three years later I'm glad I gave the ring back, and his friends tell me he's still hurt that I called it off (less than a month before the date.) He's come into the resturant I waitress at and I've had to wait on him several times. Each time he asks me how I've been and I answer him honestly; I've been well, and then even better every time I think about how good life is for me. I have a nursing degree in the works and I plan to travel and see things and do things I wouldn't get to do if I'd stayed wth him.
I also realized that I was too selfish and young to get married, sure I could have made it work and I'd have put my big girl pants on and dealt with it but I wasn't ready to do it on my own, without any reason. I'm still far from ready but now I know that its OK to be where I am, whoever comes along will love me the way I am or just simply have to wait. ;)
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Sunday 23 August
By Lisa
that was an extreamly heart felt story, It honestly help be feel better about the choices I've made, leaving behind everything I had. Because You may put on a front that everything is great even, enough to beleive it you're self, but after you do leave you see all the pain that he was inflicting on you, eventually things will get better. Being lonely is less painfull than may other things, even though it hurts I know that can change anyday rather than be in a life long commitment with the other forms of pain that would have been infliced on me.
Wednesday 12 August
By Andrea
Change doesn't happen over night, I say at least they at some point before actually marring these men they spoke their true feelings. It can be hard to realize you don't want something until the ultimatum is there. It's about actually understanding what you are in for and what you are about to demonstrate in a public way.
Good for them for doing what they need to do to live their own lives in a way in at least they consider what's best for the relationship
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Wednesday 12 August
By Kristina
I wish I had read this book when I was 23. It could have saved me from becoming divorced at 24 by not making the mistake in the first place!
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Thursday 13 August
By It's Me
A very good decision by Courtney.
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Thursday 13 August
By JC
Oh ladies, learn to LISTEN to your instincts. If only I had, I wouldn't have wasted seven years of my life dating and then being married to someone who never loved me. Spending all your time chasing someone and trying to make someone love you is not a relationship or a partnership, and the things you discover about yourself (and the shit you will put up with) is really astounding. Better to be alone, happy and whole than miserable and coupled up.
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Sunday 23 August
By smallfry
Sometimes insincts are VERY hard too follow, but so important to do so. I was engaged twice, the first one not an issue for me, I just broke up with him like we wen't engaged. The 2nd I did love, we had the house, cars ect... together but he was harsh too me and I new he won't be a good father, that was very hard to end. I walked away and it was the hardest yet strongest thing I ever did. I had too have police excorte me back into the house to obtain my belongings and go bankrupt to clear my name off of eveything we had together. I could have and still could get allomonie but I just don't want to put anymore into it with lawyers and re-facing everything. If I had listened too my instincts earlier than I would be better off than I am today.
Sunday 23 August
By kristin
jc is totally right... i love you jc
Friday 14 August
By M
Maybe people shouldn't put so much emphasis on weddings and marriage. Women shouldn't feel pressured by friends, family, and society into getting married. We forget that weddings are a business and businesses want to make money so they market their services and products to be more attractive to their target market. Don't do it because everyone else is or your family wants you to. And if you can't ask yourself if you'd do it without the trappings and without outside influences, then you probably shouldn't do it at all.
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Tuesday 18 August
By Carrie
This book sounds very intriguing. I am barely 23 years old and haven't married but I know that I want to do so, and have children etc but I'm trying to figure out how do I know and also don't know. I'm so buying this book ASAP!
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Thursday 20 August
By Pat
I hope you don't mind a comment from a guy. I wish I'd read this book myself because I had serious "jitters" on my wedding day. Had I listened to them, I would have saved myself a great deal of pain and an eventual divorce. But, it was the wedding day, my friends had been getting married, I thought I wasn't getting any younger, and so forth. The very reasons you outline were the ones I gave myself. I think this is a great book and I hope it helps both men and women make wiser decisions and better choices. Thanks for putting pen to paper on our behalf.
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Sunday 23 August
By Monabona
WOW and right on! Nice to hear from the other side. So many times women think we are alone with these thoughts/feelings, just to be enlightened by the opposite gender, who let us know that men can and do experience some of the same feelings, doubts, fears, etc. So many times a woman will look at a "seemingly" great guy and his partner and ask, "what is/was he thinking?", only to realize now that you guys may have been thinking the same things we were thinking when we made the bad choices w/ our male partners.
Thank so much for sharing.