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By Julie Metz as told to Kimberly Dawn Neumann

No relationship is perfect, but that doesn't stop women from wanting the fairy tale. And for a time, I thought I had it -- the husband who caused other women to feel envy, an enchanting daughter, a lovely home in a classic suburban small town.

But in an instant everything changed with the untimely death of my husband. And the discoveries I made in the months to follow rocked my world to the core. Not only was my husband gone, but I found out he'd been unfaithful to me while still alive. Suddenly everything I had believed to be true was followed by a question mark.

Ups and Downs
From the beginning, my relationship with my husband had been volatile, but exciting -- lots of fighting, lots of making up. But with him, I was in love in a way I had never experienced. My husband was a handsome and charming man, admired by my friends.

Though I knew we were having troubles -- at the time of his death we had been in couples' therapy for several years, mostly discussing parenting issues and the volatility of our relationship -- I had so much time invested in my marriage that I didn't want to look at the dark side just under the surface. So we continued to throw dinner parties and play the role of a stable couple. I believe that many women find themselves in this situation.

In early 2003, however, my husband unexpectedly passed away from what appears to have been a pulmonary embolism that led to cardiac arrest. That fateful day, everything changed.

Click here to read about how Julie discovered her husband's affairs after the jump.



On the day following my husband's death, several friends came over to help make funeral arrangements. Over the course of the day, emails appeared on my husband's computer that revealed to my friends that my husband had a secret life. This information was quickly hidden from me so that I would not stumble across it during such a vulnerable time.

There Were More
One of these friends was a young man whom I'd known for several years and with whom I would later become involved. It was he who eventually told me what he knew -- about six months after my husband's passing -- about one woman in California. He didn't know the whole story but he knew there was more than what he was able to tell me.

I had still been grieving my husband's death when I found out. Within days of the discovery, I moved on to a state of fury and outrage. I was humiliated that this had all happened right under my nose. I had a sense right away that I wouldn't be able to move on until I found out as much as I could.

Who Were These Women?
Perhaps it's my nature to do research, but I felt that closure would only come with more information. My husband was dead, so I couldn't ask him. I decided to call the other women. I had so many questions. I wanted to know how my husband could have done this, I wanted to know who these women were, and I wanted to know how I could have been so blind to what was going on in my own marriage.

Unlike some other couples we knew, when my husband and I were together -- even whilst in counseling -- we still had sex, so the obvious signs of infidelity did not seem present. His long affair with a neighbor and friend was well masked -- our daughters were best friends, we were in each other's houses frequently. By the time it occurred to me to ask about this woman the affair was on a hiatus and he could lie convincingly. The other women he met while on work trips. I had previously asked him about one of them and he had lied to me outright.

Vulnerable Women
In talking to these women, I did discover that there were some common themes. The women he approached were all in vulnerable periods of their lives -- coping with marriage difficulties, or post-divorce. Two women were also dealing with family illnesses. He seemed to have a talent for choosing women who going through transitional times in their lives. Since I was in the same situation as a new widow, I found quite a lot of common ground there.

Over the next few months, I began working through everything. Part of the process was starting to date and meet other men and think about my future. I saw it would be best for me to leave my house and the small town where I'd been living. This was not a linear process, more of a two steps forward, one step back thing, but slowly I made plans. And the more control I gained over my life choices, the better I felt.

What If I'd Known Before?
It's impossible to truly say what I would have done had he lived. Knowing how invested I was in my marriage, I think I would have tried to keep our relationship together. But in the end, I think that while I might have been able to forgive him for the affairs with women far away, the affair with the woman in our town caused damage from which we would never have recovered. The daily deception over a period of almost three years would have undermined my ability to trust him ever again. Because I had my own income and I would have been able to support myself, my guess is that we would have eventually divorced.

After talking with the women, I found that I could begin to feel compassion for him over the mistakes he made. It wasn't a smooth journey by any means and it took time, but gradually my anger softened. I lost a lot during the two years after his death, but he lost his life and any opportunity for redemption. This is a tragedy and I can only feel sorrow for him now. For me forgiveness means that you don't wake up every morning angry and bitter. It's been a long time since I felt like that.

Moving On
About a year after my husband's death I met a man with whom I've been coupled for five years. With my daughter, we live together as a family in the way I had hoped to live with my husband. My experiences made me wary at first, but over time we were able to build a solid relationship based on honesty and trust. Relationships always require effort, but now I feel able to relax and enjoy my family life with a partner who is kind and shares similar goals.

I am hopeful that my story will offer comfort for women who have been through similar experiences and will inspire women whose lives have been upended to seek out their own second chances.

Julie Metz is the author of Perfection: A Memoir of Betrayal and Renewal, which tells her story in depth about how she came to terms with painful truths and how she rebuilt a life and identity after infidelity and widowhood. You can follow her on Twitter at JulieMetzWriter.