This is the first of a new column asking you, reader, whether an opinion we have or something we've done makes us the Worst Person Ever -- a WPE. Have a suggestion for a topic? Email Brooke at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Please don't ask me to be in your wedding. No offense, but I'd prefer just to attend. Being asked to be a bridesmaid is akin to being asked to enter the Seventh Ring of Hell. Does that make me an a-hole?
Vacation Days Are Precious
Let's be real. Some soon-to-be-wed lunatics think we've set aside an extra fund to finance being part of their special day. But as much as this honor of all honors and true expression of friendship sounds tantalizing, I'm not made of money.Click here
for three more reasons Brooke wants to bail on bridesmaid duty after the jump.
It's called a wedding day
, not a wedding mont
h. Brides, you are out of your tree to think that you can plan three separate events leading up to the big day which all happen to be spaced apart by a week.
Did you forget that you live in Wisconsin and I live in California? Should I just quit my job now or would you prefer I book four separate flights cross-country? No problem! I thought ahead and sold my small intestine on the black market in preparation for YOUR wedding day.
The bad news is that I will have to use a colostomy bag during the ceremony, but the good news is no pesky trips to the ladies room, so I'm all yours, all night.
I Don't Have a "You're Getting Married!" Fund
What, you're covering travel costs? For all of us? OK, sounds excessive, but that's your call.
But I still have to shell out hundreds more for a Stepford Wife dress, ugly shoes, a spray tan, hair and makeup expenses, and last but not least, a suitably expensive gift for you and new hubby? Wait -- did you say cash bar? That's it.
Sorry, I have to respectfully decline the invite to stand up in your wedding. I'm not up to the task and clearly am not ready to cash in my 401(k) to finance this hootenanny -- even if I did have a 401(k).
I Still Plan on Entertaining ... Just in a Different Way
What's wrong with showing my support the old-fashioned way -- by drinking in the church parking lot during the ceremony and toppling the "singles" table at the reception because I tucked the tablecloth into my collar like a bib?
It has taken years to perfect the Crocodile Dance whenever Bachman Turner Overdrive's "Takin' Care of Business" crackles through the amplifiers, thank you very much. I swear that you can depend on me to do all the above mentioned things.
Let me do my thing and you do yours. This is why you're getting married and I am not.
We're all going to have a great time, and don't worry -- at the end of the night, you'll still have your brand-new sorbet maker and I'll still have some sort of savings account -- even if I do have to spend it reimbursing your great uncle for wrecking his Rascal Mobility Scooter.Brooke is a comedian, writer and waitress who will definitely make a splash at your wedding. If you'd like to invite her -- or just read more about what she's up to -- check her out here.