Lemondrop Tests: Does Colonblow help you lose weight with a little Roto Rooter-ing magic?

Don't be frightened by the promising suggestion of intestinal violence in Colonblow, a 24-hour intestinal detox kit. I guess I ought to have been wary of any real product born of an SNL parody, but I consider myself the George Mallory of fad diets and weird cleanses -- and I was ready to get my blow on.

The fiber-and-senna-based detox works thusly: Thrice daily, in lieu of food, one swallows two Colonblow capsules and a sludgy mixture of water and Colonblow powder (which tastes like shredded wheat left to sit in an old aquarium). This routine is observed for 24 hours, after which, the magic begins. And by "magic," I mean "slow and terrifying bathroom odyssey."

I'm not quite sure if the results were so horrifying because I had successfully Liquid Plumr'd my intestines, or because I had spent the past 24 hours consuming nothing but Sagrada Bark and gelatin. The only thing I felt cleansed of is my innocence.

Price: $32.95
Rating: 1 out of 5 ShamWows

Julieanne Smolinski is an editor at Lemondrop.

Scary Beauty Tools

    Tända Regenerate Anti-Aging Starter Kit
    Press this sci-fi contraption on a wrinkle or zit, wait for it to light up, and hit "zap." The Tända uses LED therapy to boost collagen production, fight signs of aging and help you feel like a really cool astronaut. ($275, Sephora)

    Beauty is Easy

    Lancôme Ôscillation Powermascara
    This so isn't just another tube of mascara. Vibrating at 7,000 oscillations a minute, the wand -- available in November -- can double as a food mixer, neck massager and female pleasure inducer. ($34, Lancôme)


    Serious Skin Care Air Coverage Air Brush Makeup System
    Looks like a cross between weed killer and an IV, but this complicated system of tubes and spray wands -- you use it to blast makeup onto your face -- will actually make you more beautiful. Supposedly. ($79.95, HSN)


    Leaf & Rusher Derma Roller Kit
    This device is inspired by ancient Balinese healing massages, but looks more like a torture tool to us. Brave ladies: Coat your face in the serum, then roll the wand over it. Ten times. Let us know how that goes. ($122, Beauty.com)


    Vector Electrolysis Hair Removal System
    Call us unadventurous, but we're not up for grabbing each hair, then shooting electricity into it. (Other at-home kits let you put a needle directly into each follicle. Yourself!) We pay experts for a reason. ($199.95, Folica)


    Zeno Pro Acne Clearing Device
    Finally, an acne solution that matches your Barbie Dream House! Hold this battery-powered gadget up to a zit for two and a half minutes, and the heat-emitting metal pad will blast away that poor pimple. ($159, Sephora)


    Baby Quasar
    It may look like a "Night Court" prop, but this gavel actually emits light wavelengths to smooth wrinkles, shrink pores, fight acne, even discolorations and stop hair growth. Still, our inner Carol Anne is freaking out. ($449, Bliss)


    Nostalgic for the headgear days? This straight-from-"Star-Trek" Botox alternative is your dream wrinkle-warrior. Tragically it's only available in Britain, so let's have a moment of collective prayer that it soon reaches North America. (Safetox)


    Blinc Heated Lash Curler
    When/if we're abducted by aliens, we think their torture tools will resemble this heated curler. (Or they'll be friendly and we'll all enjoy a cup of tea, but that's another debate.) Like normal eyelash curlers aren't scary enough. ($25, Blinc)


    WAO-1 Robot
    It isn't available at your drugstore, but this scary piece of steel is too good to leave off the list. The robot, from a Tokyo lab, rolls ceramic spheres over the face for a "therapeutic massage." Look for it soon in a hospital near you!

    AP Images