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flickr, e-diotYelp.com is supposed be this informative collection of "real" consumer opinions. Cafes, salons -- even veterinary clinics are no longer safe from throngs of disgruntled cockatiel owners and their laptops. But these opinions are usually fleshed out like this: I loved it, oh my God I loved it, just because!" or "I hope this place goes out of business and the employees die in a boat fire."

OK, great, but how was the pad Thai?

What People Complain About
I don't find this kind of input helpful; these aren't reviews of a establishment, they're emotional rants.

Example: "The people are like poorly trained and the one guy with dread locks thinks he is mr bike.. he has a problem seeing himself. people who work on bikes sometimes have that disease. its called im making up for lowself esteem its hard to be just a stupid bike mechanic and not have a successful outer life."

Unnecessarily harsh, right?

What bothers me is that many annoying customers, er, "Yelpers" don't even bother reviewing the actual service, which is the point of writing a review. Instead, they write their personal impressions of the wait staff -- yes, I've had the privilege of reading a yelp review of myself.

Click here to keep reading after the jump.

What People Should Complain About
I've been singled out as a brunch server: "Our server had a funny voice and big hair." To be fair, my hair is currently channeling Debra Winger a la "Urban Cowboy" ... but the review said nothing about the service I provided. If I were exceptionally bad or good, that would have warranted singling me out, but they didn't even bother to say.

Seriously, would someone please just tell me about the pad Thai?

I love the freedom to share information and have a voice via the Web as evidenced by a healthy obsession with blogging, but I'm going to stick to reading what actual critics have to say.

Speak Up and Fix the Problem
In my opinion, if you can't physically speak your scathing comments to a store/restaurant/salon owner while the offense is happening, you probably shouldn't type it -- it's easy to grow a pair while you're alone on the computer, but nowhere near as easy to pull off that perfectly timed zinger in the heat of the moment.

How to Fix It So You Don't Have to Complain
Most business owners respond to criticism and complaints and will bend over backwards to appease you. It is, after all, their business. How can they improve upon something or compensate you when you anonymously blast them three days after the fact? Free stuff for bad service (think of that scene in "Waiting") -- it still exists, people!

If you've done this and still get bad service, then fine, rake 'em over the coals online. Or better yet, don't give them repeat business. That's the loudest way to declare dissatisfaction. But until then, chalk it up as a bad experience, take a few deep breaths, and log out.

Brooke is a comedian, writer, and waitress who is currently trying to figure out how to review Yelp.com on Yelp.com without getting her throat ripped out by Yelpers. This is a dangerous e-world we live in. Check out her other adventures here.