This Father's Day, instead of the usual chocolate golf balls and barely concealed festering resentment, why not give Dad a gift that shows how you really feel? After all, you only get one day a year to thank him for your crippling abandonment issues, school loans and inability to trust men with beards. Make next Sunday count with something deeply confrontational (and yet resigned) from our helpful list below.

(Clearly, this is a joke. We love our dads almost as much as they loved skipping our soccer games.)

9. A Pre-Charged Disposable Cell Phone. This way, he doesn't have to waste his precious friends-and-family minutes on you. Come on, it's not like you're in his top five.

8. An "It's My Scar" Medallion. This jewelry company lets you turn your scars into wearable accessories. Have them do your stretch marks (from all that emotional eating), make cuff links from the notch he left on your skull when he hit you with a roller skate, or get existential and ask for the physical manifestation of your searing psychological wounds.

7. A Custom Story Book, Starring You. Sure, these are sort of intended for children. But maybe you can make a fairy tale just for Dad, in which you're successful and capable of having a functional relationship with a stable, employed adult. It's fun to pretend.

Click here for the full list after the jump.

6. Bacon, Scotch and a Carton of Smokes. Pffft! High blood pressure, schmy schmood schmessure. Dad himself said (when you fell down the stairs and everybody else said you needed stitches) that doctors are quacks. Plus, you only live once, right?

5. His Favorite Hooters Waitress's College Textbooks. His money's just going to go to Krystin anyway. Why not make sure that dad gets his wings a little faster this week?

4. The Receipt From Your Therapy Bill. Really, every time he turns on the news and doesn't see a blurry security tape of you robbing a convenience store is a gift in itself.

3. Cosmetic Surgery (for You). Maybe dad would take you out in public more if he wasn't worried people would think he'd begat a paper-bagger. If you can't take the time off of work for surgery, just spring for photo retouching and get him something he won't be ashamed to put in his wallet.

2. Self-Addressed, Stamped Hallmark Cards. Pen heartfelt holiday wishes and birthday greetings to yourself. All dad has to do is sign and drop them in the mail. (Be sure to get self-adhesive materials to help him avoid stamp or envelope-licking fatigue).

1. A World's Greatest Dad Mug. Thank him for giving you a keen sense of irony.