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I never did kiss Diego, back in the ruins of Palermo. Sure I wanted to, but it seemed small, childish. Too easy.
And now I have a strategy for ducking temptation. No, I don't imagine my husband's loving face. The notion of telling myself it's not worth it, don't throw it all away, blah, blah, blah -- that doesn't work for me. Instead, every time I sense it could happen, every moment I find myself attracted to someone and crossing into too flirty, I tell my husband. Because once I confess to him my lust for the hot bartender at the tapas place, I lose interest. Of course, copping to even a potential infidelity is not the most pleasant conversation. When I told my husband about Diego, he was understandably pissed. But then two things happened: He and I became closer, and Diego lost his sheen.
If there's such a thing as a cheating gene, it's not the same as attached earlobes; it predisposes us to a possibility, not a certainty. I'll know when I want to cheat, and because of my take-it-like-cough-medicine method, my husband will, too. I can vacuum the mystery right out of it and make my marriage stronger in the process. Maybe infidelity wasn't the only gene I got from my father. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I got his fortitude as well.
Danielle Pergament wrote about Iraqi women forced into prostitution for the August '08 issue of Marie Claire. She lives with her husband in New York.
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Thursday 11 June
By Elissa
Everything described here fits me to a tee. I also had a philandering father and often wondered if I had acquired some gene of his and was predisposed to cheat. That's why I was so surprised to see that someone else was thinking the same thiing. There was no guilt factor for me. I didn't do it on purpose it was simply part of my nature. I soppose the most potent component was the excitement of being with some one new. A man said to me once about going out with different women, "would you want to eat chicken everyday?" oddly enough I immediately understood what he meant, for I felt the same way. I stopped my philandering, but only because I became a Christian and it took time and lots of prayer to finally walk a straight line. Flirting and philandering were to me like the air that I breath, completely second nature. So I totally understand what this woman is talking about.
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Thursday 11 June
By Melissa
As I was reading the article I was growing increasingly mad. I was expecting you to give an excuse as to why you cheated on your husband and why it was ok. However, you ended the article in such a realistic and honest way. How courageous it is for you to acknowledge your feelings and temptations. Not many people have the guts to tell their husbands. Granted, I can only imagine how he feels every time you tell him that you are attracted to someone else. Regardless, he is willing to see beyond that and know that you are trying to be honest and loyal. I understand what you are trying to say and I thank you for showing me another perspective on cheating and not just simply excusing it like others so often do. I hope that your marriage continues to flourish.
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Thursday 11 June
By samantha
"For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church." --Ephesians 5:21
"...husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church." --Ephesians 5:28-29
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Thursday 11 June
By Joan
I've known a lot of 'cheaters' both male and female. They are ok with it as long as it is them. Boy, do they get pissed when their significant other cheats on them.
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Thursday 11 June
By pisces
I think the reason people cheat is that they need ridiculous amounts of adoration, so one person is not enough. I think they are selfish and egomaniacal, unaffected by the feelings of others. I also think telling your husband that you desire to be with another man is disgusting and rude. If someone did that to me, I would leave them. It's just another way for you to get even more attention from your husband. You have a mental problem. You should go to a psychiatrist. It's sadistic the way you treat your husband. And bring him to the psychiatrist also, because he is obviously a masochist if he is wasting his time with someone as superficial and insecure as you.
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Thursday 11 June
By lauralucy
A gene for cheating? That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of! Staying faithful is not only about the love you have for your partner but also about willpower. I agree with nate. If you can't handle fidelity, obviously you aren't ready for or deserve a relationship. Everyone has a sex drive and the tendency to flirt or do whatever but when a person gets involved with someone else and is expected to be faithful, they need to suck it up and concentrate on that one person, not the hottie that winked at them at the bar. If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.
Personally, if my boyfriend told me that they were cheating or even thinking of cheating on me, I would tell them to get out of my sight. I would not put up with crap like that, especially if I am working my butt off to stay faithful to them.
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Thursday 11 June
By rosematt
Yet again we see the new morality in our society. It was my dad's fault that I cheat. Yeah, right. Sorry, but we all have free will. I understand the appeal of cheating to some people. And in some cases, the person can rationalize it very well. And (heaven forbid) there may, in rare cases, be justification in cheating. But to blame you father when the reality is that you have no self-control is just an easy way out. It gets tiresome to hear so many people in our society find excuses for their own failings. It is no wonder that we as a people are hostile towards each other and that the divorce rate is so high. It is always someone else's fault.
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Thursday 11 June
By musicregistri
I totally agree... I cheat. Since Ive had by son I havent cheated (2yrs), but
if the opportunity arose I would probably do it..
Ya, I know that makes me a horrible person and I wont go into why
I think I cheat...( my not-so-good childhood). or maybe thats just an excuse.
But, I think MOST woman cheat..! They dont want to admit it.
And if the opportunity to have one night of sexual bliss with a Brad Pitt look a like arose.... you would do it to.
I know LOTS of woman who love their husbands, but are NOT attrached to them. I guess to each is own.. do what makes you HAPPY.
Life is short.
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Thursday 11 June
By skellington35
"She lives with her husband in New York."
For the moment.
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Thursday 11 June
By Harry Brunn
I was madly in love w/ a woman who had six children,was fourty years old [but looked fifteen] and had looks that women would kill for.....she cheated on me constantly w/ anyone and everyone,even though we had a good sex life and a good home life....when i broke-up w/ her,my friends finally told me that she would beat me home [i worked the night shift] by minutes sometimes.I found out that she did this to everyone she had been w/.She was "evaluated"by a dr. as being a true nymphomaniac.I thought that the word was just the butt end of bad jokes.
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Thursday 11 June
By Dj D
What happened to moral values in todays society.Before you make a commitment to someone make sure it is right.I was cheated on and it hurt likes hell.You feel worthless and also you lost all respect not only for you partner but you look at all the people the same and you lost all trust you have ever had in them and also it is hard to ever trust someone again
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Thursday 11 June
By fabfemmeboy
Yes, there are people who are more "wired" for monogamy than others. However, blaming the entire thing on your father also being unfaithful is a complete and total cop-out; if anything, shouldn't the writer have learned from her dad's mistakes?
I think there's a much healthier solution for everyone involved: If you know you're "not the marrying kind", then don't get married. If you know you tend to "overlap" your boyfriends (read: start hooking up with one before you've dumped the other), then don't get involved in closed, monogamous relationships. There are people who have open relationships and are perfectly happy - but it requires all of the involved parties to KNOW what's going on. Otherwise it's called being a scumbag.
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Thursday 11 June
By ay
freakin bs
you annoy the crap outta me
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Thursday 11 June
By heather
wow...so you were basically like a whore right? That' your so use to having everything you want. If you wanted to sleep with someone else you did. Regardless of what the other person feels. That your were untrustworthy. Dishonest. A slut. Immature. Childish. Yeah you wanted you have fun. Everyone does. Its human nature. It just turns out that you had to go throw sleeping so many people. Regardless if they had any dieases. At least you found someone that loves you and cares about you. And that you've changed. Some people don't have the guts to change their dirty habit.
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Thursday 11 June
By ken
Wow. So is the promise of reward or punishment (Heaven or Hell) the only thing keeping you (railrider) from taking immoral actions?
It's simple: the more it hurts others the more immoral it is.
I've never understood you people who require a God in order to know how to not treat other people like crap. I'm agnostic and I had a Christian friend who was shocked when she found out. Her words: "Well if there's no Heaven or Hell then what's stopping you from going out and murdering people?"
People who think that way should be locked up.
As for cheating, it's wrong because it hurts the ones you care about, and it's incredibly disrespectful. It's like slamming the door in your lover's face. And chances are that if you habitually (or *scoff* "genetically") cheat you'll never have a healthy, long-standing marriage. I know there are exceptions to this, so don't reply and tell me how long you've been cheating on your husband and yet how happily married you are. Bullshit; you're happiness is gossamer.
I'm disgusted by the writer of this article, *especially* the mass-apology. I sincerely hope Danielle hand-wrote an apology to everyone she's wronged.
It's interested to see how many more guys than girls in this audience are disgusted by Danielle's thought process. It makes me trust women even less.
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Thursday 11 June
By Mike Powers
Cheating is just another form of lying. If you want to fuck every thing that moves, don't get married.
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Thursday 11 June
By Samantha
When I think about cheating on my fiance, the movie "why did I get married" always comes to mind. There is an 80/20 rule. The person that you are with always gives you only 80% of what you need. Then, someone comes along that can only give you 20%. But, 20% looks real good when you're not getting it. Then, you leave the 80% for the 20% and in the end, you're always stuck with just the 20%.
I always think of this when I look at any other attractive guy. It keeps the thought out of my head, and my relationship stays strong.
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Thursday 11 June
By Norm
Hi Samantha Society as a whole has not yet understand that we do not only wrestle against our inherently physical predispositions, but there are spiritual forces (Dark Forces) working against us to devour us. Steal, Rob and Distroy, I need not say anymore.
Thursday 11 June
By anonymous
Cheating is completely wrong. This writer feels guilty and is therefore trying to find someone else to put the blame on so she doesn't have to deal with the fact that she cheated and consequently lost some people that she cared about. She also clearly has some resentment towards her father left in her so that does nothing but contribute to her desire to cheat, because of her lack of trust for anyone, and give her an out so she can say that this is not her fault. The bottom line is: she chose to cheat. She was the one who made the decision and she has no one to blame but herself.
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Thursday 11 June
By monarch_of_the_blacklake
It is a choice,plain and simple. Do I,or don't I. Most people will think about it. It's the whole"the grass is greener" thing. But really people,think to yourself"how would I feel if it was done to me?" If the answer to that is"I wouldn't care." ,then maybe it's time you got out of the relationship before someone gets hurt. Because if you don't care,then how much do you REALLY love your partner? If you are feeling such a disconnect from your partner,try reconnecting. Talk,go for walks,see a movie,try to remember all the things that brought the two of you togather in the first place. And if after all that, you find the disconnect is still there and you still want to cheat, Then be brave enough to WALK AWAY! You don't HAVE to cheat,you choose to! You choose to live your life the way you want to. And how would you feel if, after many years with the same person,having given up your cheating ways, you find that this person is cheating on you? If you don't want a committed relationship,then don't be in one.If you find you just can't stay faithful to one partner,then make sure you let people know up front that you don't want a serious relationship. Otherwise all your doing is taking. The trust,love,commitment,heart ,soul,and the ALL that they give to you,but you don't give to them. And if you have a family? Then you not only cheat on your partner,you cheat on your children,and all of the above affects them as well. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. But cheating is a mistake that not only affects you,but others as well. It's a shame,isn't it, when you find the grass really isn't greener on the other side, and now there is no way to go back. The choice is yours.
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