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I never did kiss Diego, back in the ruins of Palermo. Sure I wanted to, but it seemed small, childish. Too easy.
And now I have a strategy for ducking temptation. No, I don't imagine my husband's loving face. The notion of telling myself it's not worth it, don't throw it all away, blah, blah, blah -- that doesn't work for me. Instead, every time I sense it could happen, every moment I find myself attracted to someone and crossing into too flirty, I tell my husband. Because once I confess to him my lust for the hot bartender at the tapas place, I lose interest. Of course, copping to even a potential infidelity is not the most pleasant conversation. When I told my husband about Diego, he was understandably pissed. But then two things happened: He and I became closer, and Diego lost his sheen.
If there's such a thing as a cheating gene, it's not the same as attached earlobes; it predisposes us to a possibility, not a certainty. I'll know when I want to cheat, and because of my take-it-like-cough-medicine method, my husband will, too. I can vacuum the mystery right out of it and make my marriage stronger in the process. Maybe infidelity wasn't the only gene I got from my father. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I got his fortitude as well.
Danielle Pergament wrote about Iraqi women forced into prostitution for the August '08 issue of Marie Claire. She lives with her husband in New York.
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Wednesday 10 June
By Klaus
I personally think that most people feel cheating is wrong because that is the way they were brought up and society in general sees it as wrong. I know couples who cheat on each other, and their wives and husbands know about it but don't make it a big deal. My aunt and my uncle, (not mentioning any names) have sex with different people, and they both know it, but dont argue about it. I dont know, I guess every couple is different, this is why I'd rather stay single, I can have sex with whomever I want without any problems or divorces.
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Thursday 11 June
By Jasmin
Its not cheating if they know about it...its called having an open relationship. Cheating is when you break a vow of fidelity without your significant other knowing about it or agreeing apon it. AND ITS WRONG. Not saying that I've never done it myself but I know that guilty feeling that I have when I did and I knew exactly how I would feel if it had happend to me so that feeling is what causes me no longer to cheat.
Thursday 11 June
By Concerned...
This writer seems easy. Quit thinking about getting some other dudes penis and concentrate on not being a whore. I would never marry a woman who has cheated on every single boyfriend. You probably would have caught some crazy Italian form of crabs. You need therapy is what you need not an excuse for why you want to cheat. THERAPY!!!!
Thursday 11 June
By thomas sneddon
Just the like the typical woman...no accountability for their actions..always scrambling to assign blame on another person for THEIR actions.
Cheating is not a f**king disease...it's a choice,plain & simple....if you want to be a slut,than stay single...at least I could have respect for someone like that.
A woman who is genuinely in love with someone,does not frivolously bang other people...how could anyone divide themselves emotionally like that??
The stereotype remains the same...guys are assigned the blame for doing the most cheating...BULLS**T....women do just as much cheating as the guys,but the difference is...the women are far more discrete about it.
I've always been a loving & loyal person,but most of the women I've dated cheated on me....once a woman realizes that your devoted & that you trust them,they use your trust to do whatever the f**k they want behind your back,because they know they'll get away with it.
Thursday 11 June
By JLF
Yea!! woo hoo.. that’s it...go sleep with 'whomever' you want.. then you can end up just like 90% of the rest of society with hpv, goner, cif, herpes, hey maybe while ur at it you can get some hiv! this is the problem today... no one has ANY morals.. they think oh, if it feels 'good' I can do it... well... there’s a little thing called self control... maybe if some of these liberal freaks were more focused on consecration of marriage and abstinence we would have a frigin std epidemic on our hands! It really just amazes me!
Thursday 11 June
By Otter
I must disagree... I believe we have a society that at bare minimum turns a blind eye to cheating and in many cases encourages and glamorizes such a selfish act. We have a society that has declared war on marriage (No this has nothing to do with gay marriage). Go get "your rocks off" for 10-20 minutes and then deal with the devastation it causes for the rest of your life. It WILL affect your significant other, children, and jobs. I have had many opportunities but choose not too simply because I am a man of Honor. I made a vow to my wife, my God and my family and friends to be faithful...Even though she wasn't
Friday 12 June
By Jag
They had to make it about the men didn't they? It couldn't just be a woman is a cheater plain and simple? No they had to find the bad man at the end of the story causing the "good woman" to lose her supposed innocence. You want to get so psychological about your Father why not do the same with your Mother? Did she satisfy all your Dad's needs? Was she good in bed? I'm guessing she began to dedicate more time to the children and when a man such as your Father came home he expected to be treated like a king. I'm guessing it didn't take much of that neglect to start him out on his own search for love. There is no need to dig deeper than that. No need to blame it on a gene. I can tell you this it is a proven fact that both men and women by nature of evolution are not monogamous period! Monogamy is something invented by Religion and Victorians. It has never existed in the upper classes never. Its always been foisted off on the middle and lower classes. Accept what you are and be ready to discuss something like an open marriage or possibly swinging to your husband. There a millions who live this way and their divorce rate ironically is no different than the average "Monogamous" poplulation by the way.
Thursday 11 June
By jmcclaren
Hey, for all the supposedly liberal thinking, let humans be humans, the hell with conventional relationships, you don't understand how WEAK you sound. Most of us have been through this and have had sex with multiple people-great people-ect. ect. ect., but in the end most want a partner in wich we can trust-trust is a huge part of what built this country-we put it on our money, we demand it from our government, we need it from and in our banks, employers, employees, communities, neighbors, and on--but not our partners. My thought is if you can't trust yourself don't ask for it from someone esle-stay single unitl you die-and quite frankly don't expect respect-you can earn esteem or even praise from business, inventions, wealth accumulation but don't try to figure out why you won't get a lover's or partners respect or trust-that you have to earn--and I can tell you from experience when you find someone who you truley want to trust and to have trust in you beacuse you know as a team you can be increable - not being able to get that trust or having to fight for that trust because of your past is the most painful experience you will ever have--
Thursday 11 June
By Jane
Why do we make promises of fidelity to another anyway?
Love is infinite. We always have room for more. We know that when we have a new child, we don't love our other children any less. We accept that we can never have too many friends. New friendships don't detract our affection from existing friendships.
Why then, do we insist on creating monogomous romantic relationships?
I've been wrestling with this idea for a couple of years.
I believe it is a man-made societal rule that has been passed down to us through the ages. Most of us have chosen to believe that we only have room enough in our hearts for one love. We choose to beleive that if our mate has love/interest in another, that it slights us.
I no longer choose to accept that my worth is determined by anyone outside of myself. I know that I am worthy of love and that I can express love infinitely, unconditionally.
All that really matters is that we do express love. That we respect each other and treat each other well. Monogomy is a choice, but I don't beleive it has to be the rule.
Thursday 11 June
By kelly
Cheating doesnt happen if you love and RESPECT the relationship your in. You also have to make sure you dont put yourself in situations that are cheating "friendly". My opinion....you haven't found someone that fits you yet.
Thursday 11 June
By candie
Exactly-------------------Do not get married if you can not be Faithful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Thursday 11 June
By Layne
That's not cheating... thats an "open relationship". If both parties go out and do their own things, and they know each other does it... yeah thats an open relationship. I know older couples who are in those kinds of relationships, for various reasons... sometimes the "variety" brings excitement back into their own bedroom, and sometimes its a situation where... one spouse's job requires them to be away so much, that the couple agrees to find physical gratification elsewhere- because both are comfortable in the knowledge that they love each other, and sex is sex. That's not cheating though.
Wednesday 10 June
By Jennifer
You have to be really careful about telling your husband about times you're tempted to cheat. It will undermine his confidence. You have to learn to distance yourself sooner than getting to the almost leaning in for a kiss phase. Learn to control youself better, so that you're not hiding things from your husband. In the end he will wonder what the Hell he's doing being married to you and being faithful to you if you're just going to flirt all over creation. Learn to stop yourself sooner, and don't share every single time with him. Think of it from his side. It will hurt, and he'll think you're doing it on purpose, and that you're bragging about it. You're being unbelivably selfish.
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Wednesday 10 June
By Carl
Stop thinking about yourself so much and start thinking about your husband. How do you think it makes him feel when you tell him you want to cheat on him? Think about how much it would hurt him if you did cheat on him, if that doesn't stop you then maybe you don't really care about him. Cheating is a horrible thing and can traumatize your partner in ways you can't even imagine, there is no excuse for it. No offense but if you cheat like you say you do then maybe you just have much of a heart or soul.
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Thursday 11 June
By Angie
At least she wants to be honest, this actually caught my attention, being that I am a rather hormonal teen, I am also having trouble with fidelity. I want so bad to be a completely faithful person, I want so bad to have a stable relationship w/o messing it up. However life is not perfect and I do not know how to control these feelings when I come face-to-face w/ them. And I want to be as honest as I can to my partner, the only way I know how is to talk to him about my feelings and urges and talk things out instead of leaving it to be an elephant in the room, I care about him and the truth is all I can give. As for the thinking of other people while your cheating, OH lord I wish it were that easy but people like us have a different mindset, and Danielle pretty much covered it all, and I applaud her for her courage to speak out about this.
Thursday 11 June
By Tony
I agree with Angie more. When there is a inkling of a feeling to test the waters in a strangers pool you give up just as much trust into the unknown waters than keeping the waters calm in you own pool. Meaning, the urge of wanting to cheat is the same equivalency to actually telling the truth to your current lover. You have to brave it both ways either you sacrifice starting a relationship again with someone new or you brave the fact that if you and your partner trust and//or love each other the way you know that the truth would be enough to know that you confide more into them. I, honestly think, in the most vengeful of people, that this trust and confidence being submitted to there faithful partners would bring each other closer.
Wednesday 10 June
By Nickel
I agree with Carl...it hurts the other partner immensely! But truly...I'd rather know, then it be kept a secret like Jennifer advises. My boyfreind cheated on me within a month of us being together and I didn't find out for the longest time, but it still hurt soo bad when I did. I would have rather him tell me when we started getting very serious instead of hearing it from his friend. My trust is sore and unsure now and I wonder if it will every be fully regained again. Can you truly get past infedility, no matter how early it was? I'm always afraid he'll stray again. I guess I have to have faith in him and try to believe in him, but is it worth it? Especially if it happens again?
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Wednesday 10 June
By mike
You should never tell your partner if you're cheating or even thinking of cheating, unless you're ready to hit the road. Once you tell, there's no more trust, and a relationship can't last without trust.
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Friday 12 June
By Renee
I agree with Mike. Once you cheat, whether you tell your partner or not the trust is gone. Actually if you're going to cheat you shouldn't stay with your partner at all, especially if your partner is staying faithful to you. The writer's words were right, as far as cheating, if there is a gene for it, it would only predispose you to the possibility of a stronger attraction for cheating, but it is not a certainty that you will cheat or a necessity that you have to cheat. You can't have your cake and eat it too-cheat and still expect someone to love you and stick with you while you shit-all-over-them by cheating. Having sex with someone is the most intimate contact you can have with another human being. If your partner is #1 to you, you shouldn't share that with someone else. But, I have to be honest, it really is the thrill of being with someone new-the anticipation and excitement that I think intrigues people to cheat. But that still doesn't make it right. Cheating is physically, emotionally and psychologically damaging to the person who's cheated on. And everyone handles being cheated on differently-some people can't take it and do outrageous things to get back at the cheater. So watch yourself.
Wednesday 17 June
By thsone
you completely contradicted yourself, your supposed to be able to tell your signifigant other anything right? if you cant share some of your bad thoughts with your partner and you think on it for sometime on your own here and there, it can manifest and let yourself go into a crazy lala crap, wheres the trust if you cant talk to your partner? and if they cant understand and the couple comprimise and talk, then .... anyway instead of keeping these animistic feelings bottled up at least you get them out and done and over with, yes there is going to be controversary, but as a couple you should both be able to deal with it. Its not wrong to have those feelings, because you cant help being flirty. we cant help what we feel, until you act upon it then its bad. But what truely matter in the end is who you really can come home to for your few and long lifetime.