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You know what the bearded lady's problem was? Too much hair. Everywhere. I'm not exactly a bearded lady, but I'm always on the lookout for ways to destroy my diabolical follicles.

Enter Smooth Away, a pad covered with superfine crystals that, according to the box, buffs hair right off a girl's face. Easier than the no!no! hair burner? Safer than razor blades? Zang!

Less than 20 minutes later, I was home rubbing off my hair in the recommended "gentle, circular" motion and enjoying the fact that I was getting a decent facial at the same time.

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Hair and dead skin cells, removed for less than $10? I was in heaven, and the glow showed. When I finished, I was smooth, exfoliated and ready to make Smooth Away my new best friend.

Twelve hours later I woke up to a face that looked like hamburger meat. I was molting from the neck up. Angry red patches of diced up skin along my jaw line and upper lip made my worst nightmare come true: I was the bearded lady, only instead of hair, I had scabs. For the next week, I walked around looking like I had been styled by a bag of gravel. And when my skin grew back, so did my hair. Only now, hirsutism is no longer my biggest fear -- Smooth Away is.

Jenny Muller is a beauty writer from San Francisco.