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My boyfriend lives in New York. I live in Los Angeles. We've been dating for three years. Does it work? Well, I'll tell you. I don't recommend that people get involved in long-distance relationships. To be honest, when we started dating I really never thought we'd get serious. I knew that he came to L.A. for work a lot, but that he didn't live here and had no intention of moving. I had been well warned of the curse of the continental divide. Everyone (especially people who have tried to do it) knows that long distance relationships NEVER work.
Or do they?
Click here to keep reading ...
When we first started seeing each other he would call me on a Friday night and ask me if I wanted to grab some dinner, I had misgivings. But I wanted to. So I did. I did it over and over again, every time he came to Los Angeles. What was I supposed to do? We always had a great time on our dates. We were always excited to see each other. But I'd been warned my entire adult life about the long-distance relationship.
As we got closer and more serious, things got more difficult. I mean, when you're really into someone, you actually want them around. We'd fight a lot, especially those extremely convenient spats right before he was leaving for New York. It's easier to feel that you're sending someone away than to be sad about them going away on their own. We still fight sometimes, but now we realize what we're doing.
Bridging the (3,000-mile) gap
We see each other as often as we possibly can. I feel like this is the most important part of making our long-distance relationship work for as long as it has. My boyfriend and I will randomly pick a place in the middle of the country and meet for a sexy sex-filled weekend. We like to pick places we've never been before like Nashville, or Des Moines. Dinners in restaurants we've never been to, in cities we've never been to, with people we've never seen and will probably never see again. It's exciting and fun.
But once again we are coming up on THAT time. The time when he goes back to New York for God knows how long. A few weeks? A few months? Who knows? It's truly a lesson in powerlessness.
Living apart, together
I feel like I have two totally different lives. I have the life I live when he's here -- going out to dinner, hanging out with other couples, and doing things together. When he's around, I have a friend to go to the grocery store, Bed Bath and Beyond, and share a pot of coffee with in the morning. Then I have my other life -- hanging out with my girlfriends, walking the dogs alone (even late at night) and running errands by myself. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
I don't have some magical formula for long-distance relationships. I know that my boyfriend travels a lot, and even if I lived in New York I'd have to spend long periods of time without him because of his work. Maybe one day we'll share a coast, city or house. Until then, when he's gone, there's no one to bitch about me watching Nancy Grace.
And now this week's unemployment update ...
To Do: Had a couple of good job interviews last week. Fingers crossed.
Our friends at The Frisky are totally in support of long distance dating. Go read their 20 reasons why here.
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Friday 29 May
By Stacey
I live in Chicago, my boyfriend is in New Mexico. We see each other every 4-8 weeks, been at it for 6 months. I love it. In the past I've tended to center my life around my significant other. Now I CAN'T do that, or I won't have much of a life. He has "commitment issues," which are moot if he has all the space he needs to roam. We support each other but we don't depend on each other. We love each other but we don't dominate each other. We are the thing each of us looks forward to. It's the best relationship I've ever had, because it's the least co-dependent. Thumbs up!
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Friday 29 May
By bryson
My opinion, (note that word) is that it's an intimacy issue and a dangerous thing for long-term happiness. Over a year, if you see someone 5 times, then you're a couple of weeks into an "in person" relationship. After 3-4 years you might get past the "dreamy" state. Whereas with "in person" that's a month until you start to see the real person. to me.. again, opinion, you could waste a life getting to know 3-4 people only to find them incompatible when you have to wake up to them everyday... (and their always raised toilet seat, or whatever).
I have had several LDR's and in all of them, I or the other person were able to present a filtered view that, probably, would have broken down rather quickly had we been in the same town and or neighborhood. (remember in LA, across town might as well be another state.) ;)
I see the LDR as "delayed intimacy" and while maybe a good idea for some. I found that it allowed me to delay true intimacy and also cost me so much time in my life. Perhaps the universe wanted me to learn from that person, perhaps we were supposed to move to the other town, I don't know, but in the end, until I got into a situation where I could, in a timely fashion, move through the stages of developing a relationship, I was unable to really connect.
Email and phone, and even this comment box, shade the view a person gets of me. No matter how hard I try to be honest (if I even am aware of that trying). I am best viewed, for better or worse... at close range.
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Friday 29 May
By Edie
I have never really experienced a long distance relationship.
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Saturday 30 May
By heather
Please make it work forever. I love you two together.
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Sunday 31 May
By Shiloh
How romantic to meet for weekends like that... what a great thing to be able to look forward to!
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Tuesday 02 June
By lswannygrl
Mather's your lobster....and density. You guys have to work.:) XO!
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Sunday 07 June
By Angel
I live in Georgia, and my boyfriend lives all the way in Italy...because of school work and family. We have been together to a year and a half. We dont see each every month, but we see do see each other. I get letters, emails. phone calls, and texts single day. And if I am having doubts. or i get scared for our relationship, you can guarantee that hes on the first plane my way. I love what we have and i have no doubt that we will still be together next year and the next and the next....
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Wednesday 10 June
By Carl
I'd like to share my experience about LDR's from two dimensions.
In the early 70's I met my true love and my dream girl when she was 16 and I was 19. We were very much in love but young. We spent every available moment together. She came from a terrific family that went to church and did things together like a family all the time. I came from a broken and confused family that spent no quality time together and I was the ugly duckling stepson.
Even though the two of us were madly in love and eventually became engaged, I never felt I was worthy of such a special person in my life. To me she was "the pedrigeed poodle" and I was the street roaming, stray "mutt". The lessons I learned about life were from my friends on the streets. Whereas she had thoughtful, caring parents that were always there and made sure she grew up properly and well.
Anyway I went into the military and allowed myself to get distracted from my true love by new acquaintences along the way. Thinking this would be for the best because all along I felt she deserved more than what I had to offer. Over time I married twice; one for several months and later for many years. I always wondered how my young true love was doing in her life. I just knew she was married, having a great family and living happily ever after.
A little over a year ago, after being divorced for about 6 years and having moved several times, I got a phone call from an old friend we both grew up with. This old friend and I hadn't spoken in a few years so I figured it was a call to "catch up" on old times. However, the first words out of her mouth were, "guess who I just talked to and wanted to know how and where you are?"
I said I didn't know and she proceeded to tell me about my young true love of our youth. I was told that she had married and divorced a couple times and had been divorced this past time for a number of years and that she had always wondered about me. I encouraged our friend to call her up and give her my phone number so we could catch up on the past 38 years apart.
A week went on and I heard nothing so I thought, "Oh well probably wasn't meant to be anyway". Then I went online to check my email messages and to my surprise I received an email from my old sweetheart. In it she caught me up in several paragraphs what had transpired over the past 38 years we were apart. However, she purposely mentioned that she'd love to hear from me and gave me her home phone number with an invitation to call her sometime. I called her within 60 seconds and we talked for quite some time on the phonejust finding out what each other had been up to. Family, children, places where we'd both lived, etc.
After a single conversation I was determined that I wanted to see her in person and see how she looked after such a long time. She always had the loveliest red hair and the most beautiful sparkling smiling face and eyes. I wasn't too excited for her to see me and how I looked because I felt that 38 years had perhaps taken a considerable toll on me and hoped it hadn't on her. We talked daily over the next couple weeks and I got up the courage to drive up 4 hours and see her after all these years apart. I was terribly nervous and afraid that this excitement was all for naught over some faded memories of times gone by and a love I let slip through my fingers.
To make a long story short, we hit it off and fell madly in love from almost the first moment our eyes met again. A year and one day later I asked her to marry me and she said, "YES".
All the while we've been living 4 hours apart, surviving a "long distance relationship" and simply growing closer and more fond of each other by the minute. We talk several times every day on our cell phones and see each other almost every weekend now.
One day within the next year we'll finally be married and LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
Signed, the Luckiest Guy in the World
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Wednesday 17 June
By Georgia
I am the besy friend to the Red Head. And I can tell you that she is happier than I have ever known her to be. We have been bestfriends for over 30 yrs. and have been throught more than we care to remember with each other. And we have also had a ldr. Becouse we've had to move in opposite directions. We are now 6hrs away from each other.
I hope to meet the man that makes her happy one day soon.
The Best Friend of That Very Special Lady
Friday 03 July
By wray
wow.... that is amazing!
Monday 06 July
By Carl
Well here's the latest update... we've set our wedding date of 15 August 2009.
Saturday 15 August
By sapphira
Hi Carl,
That has got to be the most beautiful story I've heard in a very long time. I have recently reached out to someone who I haven't spoken to in over 10 years. We never had a relationship in the past because we were both involved with someone else. He's expressed to me that he would have pursued me had there not been that obstacle. He lives in NY and I live in CO but he says he wants to come out to see me. I'm not getting my hopes up but I feel a connection with this man and I personally will keep the door way open. Thank you so much for sharing your inspiring story. All the best!!!
Wednesday 01 July
By Helen
distance can never break a strong connection
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Tuesday 07 July
By SD
It is doable...I'm in one. Tough as hell and I wouldn't trade it for the world. In law school and he's just as busy overseas. 7 months and counting.
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Friday 10 July
By Sierra
I'm in a long distance relationship. It sucks not being able to see him as much as i want to but its still worth it for him. =] lol
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Sunday 19 July
By stacy
I've been reading some ldr blogs for a little encouragement. My boyfriend and I are going on our third year of long distance. The first two I was in school and would have 2 weeks off every 11 weeks, which always gave us something to look forward to, fun adventures to plan, and quality amounts of time to spend together. During that time he lived in California, then Australia, and now Idaho. I've since then graduated and took a career starting job in Oregon (just happy that I even have a job) and he's 6 hours away(which is the closest we've ever been).
We have the best communication I've ever known possible, phone calls, texts, e-mails, letters, flowers, presents, you name it, we've done it. There's never been a day in the last 2+ years that I haven't felt loved or the princess of his world, but the last 6 months things have become extremely rough, with nit picky fights (we never had a single fight the first year and 1/2 of our relationship), not that I don't think disagreements are healthy, to some extent, but I'm scared they're wearing down our relationship.
We were both banking on me finding a job in Idaho after graduation, we've recently come to the realization that it isn't going to be possible, so now we have no light at the end of the tunnel. He's stuck in his job for at least another year and I'm, well, just trying to advance my career. Our biggest problem is that we don't know if our careers will ever align?
We've never known anything but our long distance relationship and really want to just be together. Without knowing how to do that, we're coming to the point where we either just walk away and try to keep in casual contact if there's ever a point we can move somewhere together, or we keep battling the battle with the faith that an opportunity will someday arise?
It would really be nice to have some mentors or some sense of support (god knows are families aren't behind this). Any advice or suggestions would be a great help.
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Wednesday 22 July
By Tiffany
My boyfriend and I are just now beginning a long term relationship. We were together for three and a half years when he joined the Military. He went away to boot camp in Nov 2008. Since he got to his school (which will last another year), I've visited him a couple times by flying out to see him. We spend at least a weekend every four to six months. We enjoy every minute of it. We don't have time to bicker or to get carried away. We can enjoy each other the moment we see each other until I have to take the plane back home.
We plan to marry when he's not so busy with school and while I'm not so busy putting my pieces of life in order. Right now I find that it's very romantic pining over him while he's doing his best to serve his country. :) How can I not love him?
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Wednesday 22 July
By Tiffany
Oops, I meant Long Distance! LOL It's 2am..
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Monday 17 August
By Wrenceline
My boyfriend is in America and I'm in Philippines, and I can feel any difference with normal couple. He may not be with me physically, but we make it a point to see each other everyday, before he sleep, and before I sleep. (12 hours difference) He's flying every time his not so busy, or visit me if he had a businesss trip to a near by country. He's always monitoring my time to get home, and text me where I am and how I am if im late or so on. We make sure that we have our own quality time, but never control each other's time. We understand that we both need to work and we respect each others time and choice. I think it's not really hard, as long as you two are willing to work it on.
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Monday 11 January
By Aanya
We used to be high school lovers.Each other's first loves.After 2 years of dating, he moved to a neighboring city for further studies.We carried on long distance for another year and and a half till I realized that I was unhappy.My heart ached for him.I would look at canoodling couples and think 'Why cant I have that? Why do I get to spend only a couple of hours with him every month? Do I not deserve more? I am too young to compromise.' I broke up with him and lost a huge chunk of my heart as well.Since we broke up on amicable grounds,we were still on talking terms with each other.Superficial though. We both gradually moved on.I was casually dating a hot hunk for 'fun' and he his 'best friend'.We reconnected a few months back (almost a year after our break up) and realized that we still had the same chemistry that we did three years back.It felt like there was so much of unfinished business between us.We started all over again.Endless conversations over the phone,laughing and realizing how much fun we have with each other.I ended things with my temp guy not because I wanted to get with my ex but because every time I spoke to my ex I realized how frivolous and pointless the whole casual dating thing really was.The next time he flew down to the city,we made love with the same passion we had a year back.It was like we never broke up in the first place.
Now I am currently in the same situation that I was running away from a year back that caused the break up in the first place.Only thing, I am much better emotionally equipped to handle the distance now.I also sometimes wonder,do I really love him? Or is it the hangover of first love?
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