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I was disappointed when CNN ran an article called "How to Address Women -- Married, Divorced, Single" that somehow managed to avoid addressing, uh, how to address women -- married, divorced, single. The writer, Wendy Atterberry (who blogs for our friends at The Frisky) is getting married this summer, and while she "reject[s] the notion some have expressed that when a woman takes her husband's last name she's giving up her identity," she acted really surprised when some of the women in her family wanted their invitations addressed to Mrs. Husband's Full Name.
Read why this riles me up after the jump.
Sorry guys, but the notion of being addressed as Mrs. -- even on something as trivial as a wedding invite -- is effing medieval.
It's bad enough that kids pretty much automatically get their father's name -- but the fact that he's the default human being of the household? Sorry, that's bananas.
The fact is, if you decide to "take your husband's last name," you are literally taking your husband's name. In what universe is that not giving up your identity?
Take my mom, who felt pressured to take my dad's cumbersome-ass Polish last name and give up the awesome, alliterative one she'd been proud of her whole life. Everybody wanted to know if she wasn't happy to be part of my dad's family, and what they were going to call their kids. (Because this should just always be the husband's last name? What the hell?) Twenty years after they divorced and she took back her old name, she's still getting mail and phone calls for Mrs. My Dad. Obviously, chicks can't handle bills and ads for cable Internet on their own.
I know, today's feminism is all about choices. But until guys are forced to take a title to signify that they're available or off limits, or until they start taking OUR last names en masse without being thought of as p*ssies, I'd be interested to hear a compelling argument for how the amoebic taking-on of another person's name is in any way defensible.
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Tuesday 30 June
By Get with the times...
FEMINISM IS DEAD.
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Wednesday 01 July
By Rave
My wife's a Dr. and she has woman power written all over her! Just today she's making cheap remarks about my family's anniversary card to us because it is addressed Mr and Mrs husband . My family means no disrespect, they're tradional. She would rather use her Father's name whom she doesn't get along with and dispises his side of the family! Meanwhile, her Mother gives remarks about her keeping her last name when in fact she took her husbands name. Kind of hypocritical if you ask me. Obviously if she does not want to take my name thats her decision and I'm not going to beg her to take it. In the end, my name lives on with my kids!
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Monday 06 July
By st.pie
As someone reading this post (which I very much liked) and the comments (all of which I couldn't even get through, as shock and sadness overwhelmed me at reading so many archaic pros for taking up a husband's name, some of them even derogatory towards men ("neck turns the head" being one of them) and some proving that many are completely oblivious to progress ("my fiance honoured me by proposing to me, I will honour him by taking up his name") -
- I'll start again: as someone reading this from oversees, from a country which doesn't follow the same surname system as the USA (which is where I assume the blogger is from), I can't help but wonder what the women who are all for being called Mrs Man's Name think of cultures where there is no such option. Where people, men and women, are known by their own names throughout life, single married or divorced?
Would they say that these women are simply not given the chance to honour their husbands as they should be able to? They are missing out? That their families - which in some cases can have as at least 4 different surnames - are not as whole as others, bc they don't share a last name? Not a complete family bc there is no way to unite the family under one title - that of Mr?
There are most likely many naming traditions out there with which I am not familiar which would scare the Mrs Man's Name fans even more.
So, it's a tradition in many countries for women to take their husbands' names. At first glance it seems like a harmless tradition - until we get to the matters discussed in the post, where a woman is Mrs Man's Name and gets bills as the same. It's just wrong. I guess it's only annoying when it's not her choice to be called by that name.
Harmless tradition - and yet what does it say abt the values of the nation's who adhere to them? Without a doubt it DOES put the man first. It says: to become a family you and your offspring must be known by your husband's name! That's just peculiar to me.
And though this will not change a woman's personality - the fundamental pro Mrs Man's Name make a silly argument by implying that feminists imply a change of character with the change of surname characters - you will forever more be viewed as the extension of your husband, which might be what you want ... but he is not by any means viewed as an extension of you, though some might argue that by virtue of marriage he has become so. A surefire way to retain inequality, for sure.
If the point is showing who belongs to whom and who is an extension of whom, isn't double-barrelling the answer?
In my native Iceland we use patronymics. Kids are given their dad's first names and onto that is added -son or -daughter. Last names are literal, they tell you and everyone else whose son or daughter you are. Grammar makes this a little more complex than that, but I'll leave that to you to find out, if interested:) Granted, this system also favours men, though many Icelanders are now using either both parents' names plus son/daughter, or only the mothers' names.
People do not change names when they get married. Many foreign women, who grow up with the Mrs Man's Name tradition, want to, though and this is what ends up happening.
Typical Icelandic male name: Jon Sigurdsson.
This means that his father was named Sigurdur. Jon is the son of Sigurdur. You follow?
Jon's wife: Esmeralda Cortez.
She adheres to her own Mrs Man's Name tradition and is now known as:
Esmeralda C. Sigurdsson.
Esmeralda is now the daughter of Sigurdur, the father of her husband, as that's what her name literally means. Her husband's brother. Some women change the -son to daugher. Esmeralda Sigurdsdaughter. Still Sigurdur's child ..., right?
Hmm. Go back a few generations and you will find out whose great grandson you have become by taking your husband's name.
And that is what names are about: it's who you are to the outside world. And what's better than being your husband's father's son? :)
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Saturday 18 July
By MrsNix
Honestly...I think anyone THIS wrapped up in the naming traditions should stay out of getting married. Marriage isn't about YOU. It's about a unit. The unit you are forming when you get married has the potential to produce children. Those children will have your name, as well...I grew up in a split family, and I HATED having a different name than my parents. I was my mother's real kid, but my stepbrother who only visited once in awhile was always assumed to be hers...while I was always assumed not to be. In American culture, families are identified by a surname. For this reason, we take our husband's name.
If a woman doesn't want to follow this tradition...that's fine by me. Your husband should take your name, in that case in my opinion, but even in marriages where the spouses keep different names, I just shrug and say, "to each their own."
Where my objection comes in is the anger. Why would any woman be angry at the idea of being called by traditional etiquette? Who do you think you are to be ANGRY at someone for addressing you in a way that, for centuries, indicates the highest level of formal respect for you. How can you feel marginalized or dehumanized with the idea of leaving your father to join your husband? That's what marriage IS.
If you just prefer your own name or...whatever else...fine. Do that. But get down off your tall horse where other people are concerned. People assume that married women take the husband's name. If you take offense to that, you're too selfish and immature to be married. Even if you don't take your husband's name, you are legally Mrs. Husband's Name according to the state, and addressing you as such is appropriate on formal stationery as well as on business correspondence.
If you would prefer not to be addressed in this way...ever...and if you want to reserve the right to indignant rage over it?
Please, for the love of all that is good, do NOT get married. You're not the kind of woman who can give of herself in a way that marriage will demand. Seriously. Leave that man alone and stay away from marriage and motherhood. People this self-focused are not mature enough to marry. God almighty...I do NOT get this issue at all, and I'm about as independent as they come.
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Thursday 27 August
By Ms. Leah Christensen
I am married to a wonderful man who insisted I keep my name, and it's a good thing too, because it was going to be a damn cold day in Hell before I'd change it.
Why is it such a damn honour for us to take their name, but not the same honour for them to take ours? For as long as one gender still dominates another, my husband, myself, and our like-minded friends of both genders will believe that the concept of the traditional name is a bunch of crap!! Sure people still do it, and we are not going to go out and try and change the world because it's impossible to do, and everyone should have a choice, but we are no less committed to eachother than the Mr. & Mrs. John Smiths of the world.
And to the person above who said that it was better to remember one family name, one first name, instead of putting the whole name on the invitation, I have a few questions.
What about this? If the whole family has the same name, simply address it to:
The Allans, The Allan Family, or Mr. & Mrs. Allan (or Mrs. & Mr. Allan) if one only speaks of the adults?
And what if the person sending the invite is only sure of the woman's name? What if s/he is not in frequent contact with these long-lost relatives? Will s/he address the card to Mrs. & Mr. June Smith, or will she make the extra effort to find the man's name, so as to address it formally? And if someone can do that, why can't they take the extra effort to learn the woman's name, in a reverse situation?
And the day that I am to "know my place" as a woman, will be the day that pigs fly.
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Sunday 30 August
By Claire
I don't see the point of assigning values to the different choices. I have no problem with women keeping their own name (like my godmother) or changing their name in private life but keeping their maiden name for their profession (like my stepmom), making up a new name (my dad's colleagues), or the man taking the woman's name (don't know anyone like this, actually). I understand the unpleasant undertones to taking the husband's name, but personally, I don't care for my last name and don't feel attached to it. I would never give up my first name, but I almost look forward to meeting a man who will give me the opportunity to try out a new last name. As an added bonus, it will really simplify paperwork, naming the kids, and so on. I don't see myself as anti-feminist because of this. After all, what is my maiden name? It's my dad's name. Do I belong to my dad anymore than I will to my husband? I certainly hope not. I don't' belong to anyone, and I will choose the name I feel happiest with. I won't feel obligated to do it in the "right" way.
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Sunday 25 October
By s10driver
I am a guy and when I get married I have no problem hyphenating my last name to my spouses, and my spouse to mine. I could be Joe Smith-Jones and she could be Mary Jones-Smith.
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Tuesday 27 October
By anonymous
my husband and i got married a few months ago, and we both agreed that my last name was apart of me. but, also, his last name was now apart of me.
i now have my first name, my middle name, my maiden name as a second middle name, and his last name.
(it definitely helps with documents having had your maiden name attached to them when your I.D states all names.)
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Wednesday 10 February
By Rebecca
The writer needs to get a life.
If you don't want to take on your husband's late name, don't.
If you do, do.
How about we just accept what others want to do as their own wishes, and not insult people we disagree with? I don't feel repressed because I took my husband's name, nor did I lose my individuality (seriously? your name defines your entire being?). If you feel differently, do what you want and don't disrespect me for what I do.
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Wednesday 10 February
By Rebecca
"After all, what is my maiden name? It's my dad's name. Do I belong to my dad anymore than I will to my husband? I certainly hope not. I don't' belong to anyone, and I will choose the name I feel happiest with. I won't feel obligated to do it in the "right" way."
Very well put. :)
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