I was disappointed when CNN ran an article called "How to Address Women -- Married, Divorced, Single" that somehow managed to avoid addressing, uh, how to address women -- married, divorced, single. The writer, Wendy Atterberry (who blogs for our friends at The Frisky) is getting married this summer, and while she "reject[s] the notion some have expressed that when a woman takes her husband's last name she's giving up her identity," she acted really surprised when some of the women in her family wanted their invitations addressed to Mrs. Husband's Full Name.
Read why this riles me up after the jump.
Sorry guys, but the notion of being addressed as Mrs. -- even on something as trivial as a wedding invite -- is effing medieval.
It's bad enough that kids pretty much automatically get their father's name -- but the fact that he's the default human being of the household? Sorry, that's bananas.
The fact is, if you decide to "take your husband's last name," you are literally taking your husband's name. In what universe is that not giving up your identity?
Take my mom, who felt pressured to take my dad's cumbersome-ass Polish last name and give up the awesome, alliterative one she'd been proud of her whole life. Everybody wanted to know if she wasn't happy to be part of my dad's family, and what they were going to call their kids. (Because this should just always be the husband's last name? What the hell?) Twenty years after they divorced and she took back her old name, she's still getting mail and phone calls for Mrs. My Dad. Obviously, chicks can't handle bills and ads for cable Internet on their own.
I know, today's feminism is all about choices. But until guys are forced to take a title to signify that they're available or off limits, or until they start taking OUR last names en masse without being thought of as p*ssies, I'd be interested to hear a compelling argument for how the amoebic taking-on of another person's name is in any way defensible.
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Wednesday 27 May
By Katie
I understand that it is a pretty lame (and that's mild) assumption to call someone by that if it's not their choice, but if someone wants to be called Mrs. Husband, then maybe it's because she's proud of being his wife. My stepdad calls him self Mr. (My mom's name) when he's in circles where she's better known. The general assumptions on bills, though, are crap. I can really imagine the sting post-divorce. It sucks that it's become a general assumption in society, but don't dig on the people who choose to go by their husband's name. It's their own desire.
I personally don't think it'll bother me when I get married because I'm looking forward to being his Mrs. He's looking forward to being my Mr. I doubt I'd request being called Mrs. Husband, but it wouldn't upset me, nor do I think it would be worth my time and energy to get upset over it. I know that doesn't sound very feminist, but it's how I feel.
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Wednesday 27 May
By Sarah
This was a big problem with my former fiance and me. He was very traditional as far as wanting to get married immediately and that I should take his name. I personally do not support marriage as an institution because I feel that it automatically subjugates women, not only culturally but in the eyes of the law. While it's gotten better, it is still much harder for married women (hurts their health while it improves married men's, harder for women to get out of marriages, working, etc). I also told him I was keeping my last name which FLIPPED HIM OUT. I compromised by agreeing to get married, but the name thing was too much. He took it to mean that I wasn't "proud to be his wife" which was totally inaccurate. Just because I commit to someone doesn't mean I STOP BEING ME. To me, changing my last name would be like getting a face implant. My name is part of me, something that doesn't change just because I'm in love with someone. I realize that many people still find these views "radical" or weird, as my ex fiance did, so I don't push it on anyone, but I also expect others to accept my decisions and not ridicule me as weird for them.
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Thursday 11 June
By lhgraphics
Please, please do not marry this man. You should not get married at all. Trust me you will be much happier. Let this man find a traditional woman because that is what he really wants.
Wednesday 27 May
By Chrisoula Tuckowski
One of my favorite things about my current
boyfriend is his utter delight with my intention to keep my own ridiculous name.
It seems he values my independent streak as much as I do.
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Thursday 28 May
By Brooke
I took my husband's name mainly because it is SO much easier to say and spell! My maiden name is akward and no one could ever pronounce it!
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Friday 29 May
By bettiewest23
I'm with you there. I don't exactly mind the Mrs. part (though I wish my husband had a 'married' designation as well) but it sends me into a rage anytime someone refers to me as "Mrs. Man's Name." My mother didn't give me a boy's name, and I'm not just an extension of my husband, @$#%
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Friday 29 May
By olivia
What is the real problem here, if you choose to be married and take your husbands name, then why would it be an issue to be called Mrs husbands name?? and as far as writing it on invitations and such.. isnt it simply easier to write Mr and Mrs. husbands name & family than to write (and sometimes try to remember) every person in the household name?? come on is this really an issue or a choice?? what ever makes a person comfortable is what they should be called... and yes in a sense you do become an extension of your husband when you marry him ... just as he becomes an extension of you. Why else marry, if its not to become a family??? just for the paper work??? if you dont want to be addressed as Mrs. then dont become a married lady... thats my opinion anyway!! think about it just because you change your anme DOES NOT make you a different person .... be proud of who you are NO MATTER what your last name is!!
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Saturday 13 June
By Anne
I think it is rude to talk about taking a mans name in a derrogatory way. Women have different reasons for taking or not taking their husband's name and some women believe it is romantic and right to take their husband's name and I personally don't believe you are giving up your identity when you do take his name. Your not taking away your identity your adding to it. When you love a man enough to marry him then it's like you're saying he is something you can't live without he is your other half and to me it makes sense to be identified by his name and if you really feel like your losing to your identity be Mrs. mainden name-husband's name that way you get the best of both world's. But as a woman who plans to take her husband's name when she is married I find it offensive to word your opinions in a derrogatory way, it is every woman's choice and no woman should feel bullied for choosing either way.
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Thursday 11 June
By Gaela
I am getting remarried in 3 months. I am looking forward to being "Mrs. Man's Name". I feel that addressing a woman as such is a sign of respect, especially for the older generation. Sorry, ladies, this doesn't sound feminist and you may think it's even archaic, but I believe that in marriage just like in any other well run organization, there needs to be a CEO. I believe that a man and woman should make major decisions together, but ultimately someone has to have the final say. My fiance knows that he will be the head of our family. That doesn't mean I have no say, it doesn't mean I follow blindly, but I give my husband a place of honor. Why would I not honor him by also taking his name? I'm a baby boomer, I was there for all the women's lib movements, Woodstock, etc. But, I can tell you, by giving this honor to your husband, your husband give so much back in return. Sometimes we have to look back and realize our grandmother's were smarter than we think. The saying goes "the man is the head of the family, but the woman is the neck. The neck can turn the head any way it chooses". Good luck to you all. Sincerely, Mrs. Man's Name
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Thursday 11 June
By Charlie
The point is that women have the choice. We didn't exactly pick our names in the first place - first or last. We were given Daddy's last name - not Mommy's maiden name. Now we get to choose. But there just seems to be something sad when 2 people commit to each other but have separate names - until society is ready to go generic and Mr & Mrs is gone completely. Then no one is 'singled' out or put in embarrassing positions.
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Thursday 11 June
By Amanda
I think when you marry someone you should change your last name. It shows you are a family and united. Especially when you have children, having them have the same last name as both mom and dad do makes them feel more connected as a family. Changing your last name doesnt change who you are as a person so why is this even an issue for anyone?
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Thursday 11 June
By lhgraphics
my husband honored me when he proposed marriage. I honored him by taking his name. I did not lose my identity, but gained a larger identity. As a family we have all the same name. I don't see myself as separate from my husband. I am much more than just a name. I'm also proud of my husband and of being married for over 21 years. I consider being a MRS. an honor.
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Thursday 11 June
By Jenn
My fiancee is vrery proud of his name and his family and I of mine, however, his name is the one thing that he can give me and our children that can never be taken away. I am proud to be Mrs. Hubby!!!!!!!! And he is wearing a ring wich totally lets people know that he is taken and if your hubby is too big of a wuss to wear a ring and be just as proud to be married to you as you are to him then you shouldnt have gotten married in the first place!
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Thursday 11 June
By Anne
I'll never marry a man, but I have discussed with my partner the idea of who might take whose name if we were to have such a privilege accorded us. (We're queer.) She doesn't want to give up her name, I don't really want to take it so we decided to just keep our own last names. Mine is awkward to say and spell, hers is dirty joke fodder to the extreme.
I think the whole woman taking a man's last name is just to simplify correspondence and record keeping. Since it was a practice which started WAY before women's lib and all that, it was just easier to keep it that way.
Couples could also go the way of a friend of mine, when they married, they both changed their last name so they created a whole new identity as a family unit instead of adding her to his previously existing family unit.
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Thursday 11 June
By michele
basically, i would never love a man more than my father and that's why i kept my father's name......
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Thursday 11 June
By Anne
I am married 17 years and I kept my name. I always liked my last name and was not willing to give it up. My husband understood that. I still get called Mrs. Husband's name by schools and my children's friends and doctor's but I don't' care as my official documents still list me as who i want to be.
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Thursday 11 June
By JP
Traditional to Korean custom, the woman keeps her maiden name, and is still referred to by that, but only as "Ms./Mrs. Maiden name" versus "Miss Maiden name". Her husband is still "Mr. Whomever" and their children are given their father's last name.
I'm an only child, and grew up between the Korean and American cultures. I realized early on that my father's legacy would essentially disappear from under his name when I married. My husband, being the enlightened and wonderfully understanding man he is, even offered to take my maiden name as his last name when we married. (He's the second out of three sons in his family.) Eventually, we decided it was best for me to take his last name, as he was in the military at the time, and I legally changed my name: Given name, maiden name as a middle name, and married last name. This was to honor my paternal grandmother who also did the same.
Point being, it's not so much the "medieval" practice, but your perspective on it. I never viewed taking my husband's name as being a backwards and troublesome practice. Nor, did he see taking my maiden name as too forward thinking. What tempered our decision was what was thinking of other ways to honor and remember the names and families we came from. On the other hand, once you marry, aren't you creating your own legacy? Why start it off with an irascible attitude about a name? Marriage is about compromise and understanding, shouldn't that be the spirit in which you consider the name you're taking?
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Thursday 11 June
By Carmen
How many men are willing to change their names to their wives last name? A lot of men balk at the idea or get upset if the woman chooses to keep her name or offers him to change his to hers.
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Thursday 11 June
By andrea
Okay writer.....if you don't know your identity yourself, you're already fucked up in the head. I took my husband's name because I love him and another reason among many: I'm not some power hungry, wannabe-a-man woman who thinks that she's just as strong as a man, can handle a man in everything he is capable of, I know my place in this world and when it comes down to everything, in the end....the man will always be the hunter, warrior and protector of the house, NOT us women, God made man stronger than us, more muscle than fat and better equipped to handle struggles while we handle the better gift of giving birth and shit. Stop acting or trying to act like you're a man, because if you have a pussy between your legs, you're more than likely a woman. Yes today is a lot better than even 50 years ago, but women are truly getting way ahead of themselves, men are at the top for a reason, study the anatomy and the brain for one thing. OH and I am a woman, I just know my place and my husband and I have an understanding, and he is probably one of the greatest, loving men out there.
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Thursday 11 June
By Victoria
While growing up, my older sister always wanted to be Dr. Our-Last-Name. She studied hard and became Dr. Our-Last-Name, an anesthesiologist. She has since married- are you telling me she should give up her childhood dream just because she found a man?
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