By the time you're in sixth grade, you know that there's not actually a bone in the penis. (Unless you're a later bloomer or Pennsylvania Dutch -- in which case, now you know.)
But what you may not know is that one can, in fact, suffer from a broken wang.
I know, because I once broke my ex-boyfriend's penis. If you happen to own a penis or you're sensitive to stories of a graphic and horrible nature, then you might not want to read what follows. But if you're a salacious and prurient weirdo who kind of wants to know how a guy can snap his trouser trout, then by all means, pour yourself a stiff drink and read on.Click here to read how you can break a penis (and how you can fix one) ...As Seen on TV
I don't watch "Grey's Anatomy" because I wasn't horribly brain-damaged by in-utero drug use. But apparently, one of the fake doctors on the show dinged his dorkus on a January 2009 episode, which resulted in a flurry of Internet searches that put the terms "penile fracture" and "broken penis"
at number one. (I know -- it's weird that any dude who watches that show is worried about the prospect of having his dork cracked in half. You're not using it anyway, guy.)
A cursory survey of legit medical sites would tell these Googlers what I had to find out on my own. The membrane (the tunica albuginea) that surrounds the spongy tissue that becomes engorged with blood during arousal can actually tear if subject to enough torque, resulting in a loud popping noise and some pretty excruciating pain.
It's a phenomenon that doctors see around 1,000 times a year
, which doesn't account for the people who don't say anything about it because they're F---ING MORTIFIED. I can't really speak about how my ex felt physically, but the embarrassment at having to consult campus medical professionals was pretty excruciating in itself. When It Happened to Me
The horrifying event occurred when I was on top and my (rather well endowed -- advantage: tiny-wanged dudes) boyfriend was pretty much flat on his back with his feet on the floor. Dorm beds and my total lack of coordination being what they are, I lost my balance and tumbled backwards. There was an audible "pop," and when I'd regained my balance, my boyfriend was doubled over in a silent scream like something out of a medieval painting. Needless to say, it was something of a boner-killer.
I grabbed my R.A. (who was mercifully a friend and had actually had something similar happen to him) who consulted some campus medical professionals. It turns out the only cure for a mild case of broken penis is a lot of ice, a lot of ibuprofen, and lots of weepy apologies and empty promises of future unlimited blowjobs.
He was better, eventually, although whenever I think that the fact that we no longer speak was due to a pretty nasty breakup, I always sort of factor in the fact that I reverse-handsprung his schlong in two. Some cases of fractured penis can be severe and cause permanent damage
. (Our case was mild, but try telling that to my ex.) So if your boyfriend's penis stays black and blue, takes on an S
shape (GAH!) or is persistently painful, it might need surgical attention. Suck it up and take that cracked bat to a medical professional. Beth Brennan is the collective pseudonym for Lemondrop's sex and relationship bloggers and their more "sensitive" stories.