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We all know cheating's bad. But what about when you're single and your partner isn't? After Lauren at CollegeCandy found herself hooking up with a guy with a girlfriend, she said, "I can't stop wondering if stopping this sex train was my responsibility. Should I have walked away?"
Simply put: Nope. I've found myself in this situation once or twice, and I've decided, eh, not my problem. I'm not the one in a relationship, I'm not supposed to be faithful to someone, and it is not my responsibility to keep this guy faithful -- unless there's a ring on it, there's no home to be wrecked, just a lease.
Keep reading after the jump.
In Lauren's case, it's not until she's back at the dude's apartment surrounded by couple-y photos that she realizes she's about to help him commit an act of adultery. She writes:
I didn't know what to do. I mean -- he had a freaking GIRLFRIEND. What if that was me? What if my boyfriend was out picking up girls? But at the same time, he hit on me. He pursued me. This was his choice, not mine.
And he was such a good kisser.
Whether it's a full-fledged affair or a random hook-up, there's usually a point before getting hot n' heavy with an attached guy when you ask yourself, What am I doing? Am I bad person? But while benevolence is kind, you don't "owe it" to your fellow female to keep her man in check.
The only thing a girl who's about to screw around with an unavailable man is responsible for is herself. There's a key word to keep in mind, however: unavailable. Don't kid yourself into thinking this is something it isn't. Nix the "this was his choice, not mine" attitude because you most definitely do have a choice in the matter, and it's up to you to be honest about what you're choosing. If you are looking for a "good kisser" for the night, wrap it up (you know he doesn't take exclusivity seriously) and get it on. But if you're doing it to try to win him over, you're probably setting yourself up for disappointment.
Tell Us: We know every girl has an opinion this -- and probably a story to share. And I'm curious how many of you agree with me. Leave your thoughts in the comments below. Thanks!
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Wednesday 27 May
By mzwelldone
If a guy, or a chick, for that matter wants to screw around with someone other than the person they have tried to convince that theirs is an exclusive and sacred love, they don't deserve to even have the fun. Grow up and tell the person who's time you've been wasting that they don't mean anything to you before you truly hurt them, or accidentally trick yourself into believing that life works in a way it doesn't. Do not go back to them after that, because if you didn't love them then there is no reason you will love them later despite the fact that someone else isn't dancing around in front of you at that particular second. Move on and allow them to find happiness so that you won't be taking your anger out on them later when they expect you to stand behind the lies you've told.
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Wednesday 27 May
By Vicky
I never thought I was the kind of person who would hook up with someone who was married but I did. We worked together. He was unhappily married with a new baby and not a clue of how to get out of an impossible situation. I was newly single, kinda lonely and in desperate need of some positive affirmations. He made me feel loved, important, happy again. I did feel guilty about what his wife would feel when she found out. I had been in that situation myself and knew full well the hell she was in for. Long story short, she found out and ended the marriage. We stayed together for 6 years before we married (I thought if he did it to her, he will do it to me too, but he never did!). We will celebrate 20 years together this summer. Am I proud of how I came to be with my husband? No. Never will be. But I am so glad that I did. He is truly a blessing in my and our kids life. BTW-his daughter came to live with us after her mother got remarried. She's a great kid...and ultimately gave us a great grandson! I would have never guessed that it would end like this but like I said, I am truly blessed.
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Wednesday 27 May
By M
Maybe the girlfriend/wife won't do sexually what others will??
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Wednesday 27 May
By Gigi from Chicago
I think this entire blog (complete with the "hooking up" and "wrap it up" phraseology) sounds like a page from a prostitute's play book. I think it's beyond pathetic.
If you think that little of yourself, go ahead. It really isn't your job to keep anyone faithful to their girlfriend if they don't want to be. After all, the girlfriend knows she's not married to the cad, er, guy. As for me, I have higher expectations from a man, because I know I deserve it.
I also wonder -- if you give up on love, and if sex is just another job, then what is left to lift up your life? Kids? Oh brother are you naive.
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Wednesday 27 May
By nemogbr
I have had this conversation with male and female friends. We males agree that we would not want dalliances with women who are involved, especially married.
Another advice I've heard and agree, is that if the man does not give 100% to a woman, why should she give her all? If you love her, put a ring on it and keep it in your trousers. Otherwise, do what you will, but tell no lies.
I have met women who do not care when men are involved and that puts me off them. Perhaps, I am a bit too old fashioned in that regard and I do believe that Karma bites you back.
Whilst single, I make sure I play safe.
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Thursday 28 May
By Tara O'Sullivan
I love how everyone is suddenly so concerned with leaving responsibility at the door. If you're in the situation, you're responsible for the outcome. And if the situation encompasses two people, then you're responsible for the equations that person brings in as well.
Society's just gotten far too comfortable with the whole "no accountability" thing.
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Thursday 28 May
By Shonda Fain
When ever I have had a boyfriend and another woman wants him and he takes the bate its time to bail. I dont need him if he is not faithful to me and me alone. If you dont want me someone else will..See ya! Cheating is WRONG!! Read a bible people....
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Saturday 30 May
By talkingmuffin
Not justifying cheating here or the morality of being "the other woman," (I myself never have been in either situation), but the fact that a girl chooses to engage herself with a taken man is not the problem here. Sure, the girlfriend will be hurt by it upon finding out, but it's not the other woman that caused the problem (if the guy pursued her). If the man couldn't keep his pants on (or worse, was consciously out looking for other girls), the GUY is the problem -- the relationship is the problem -- not the other woman that happened to cross paths with him, who could have had innocent casual romance interests.
Not saying one should simply go ahead and sleep with somebody knowing full well they're taken... if you're not doing it just to be a homewrecker, it's not your issue, so do what feels right to you. If you take a hookup lightheartedly, your business here is right in line. If you don't feel right sleeping with an unavailable man, then make that choice for your own sake. If it was the guy that pursued you, his girlfriend should know better than to blame you for encouraging it -- it's obviously not a worthwhile relationship.
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Sunday 31 May
By lalala
There is nothing more disrespectful than taking something that isn't yours without asking. Especially if you know it's wrong. Imagine how the girl feels. And maybe it isn't your problem. But when you find yourself cheated on, you know how you feel towards the other girl. Don't cause problems over a good kiss. Don't do things you wouldn't want to happen to you.
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Monday 01 June
By vivian rivera
I was in a marriage that resulted in my husband being the unfaithful and thats not all he gave me an std in the process of his disgusting affairs with other women. I would prefer to be on my own than to waste my time with any man that is in a relationship whether it is serious or not. I am in a relationship right now and guess what the same thing happened. (The cheating of course) I am at a point that I do not trust men as far as I can throw them. It is sad and in todays day and age things are not that safe sexually. People just do not care and do not take care of themselves physically.
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Monday 01 June
By Lucilia
I was sleeping on and off with a manfriend /co-worker/drinking buddy for several months. He said he had another on and off girl...but it wasn't that much "on" because we were hanging out ALL THE TIME or at work ALL THE TIME! I did not think too much of it. Then he started relentlessly asking me if I was in love with him and demanding that if we were sleeping together we had to be in a "real relationship." It seemed strange since he obviously was still involved with his other woman with whom he was not commited . I spent a few days mulling over this with angst wondering if I was in love and could we actually be in a commited relationship. During this time, the woman admitted to months of stalking us in parking lots, bars, and at his house!! She broke in and graffitied my nicknames in lipstick, broke things and admitted to listening to all my messages on his phone!!! He called her said dont ever talk to him again. He then really kicked up his demands for exclusivity from me and finally I said yes. I apologized for being immature and not giving our friendship and relationship the respect it deserved. Then he said he could not handle being in a real relationship because he did not want someone to go psycho on him again. Besides, with someone like me it would never work out. I was horrified and devastated and kept asking him to explain his behavior. I said i felt hurt and almost manipulated. Then he became hostile and angry with me, saying I was playing games and if I had commited to him a year ago it would never have ended this way. I was in shock. He ignored me at work until a couple of months later, and then a whole new even worse twisted scenario surfaced which is grounds for a pretty amazingly awful movie......think I better get a new job and get busy typing!!!!
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Thursday 04 June
By Sanjana
I have been in such a relation, may be i am looking out for help. he had told me in very first time that he is not going to leave his partner but love me a lot. he had promised that he will ever keep the relation and he also promised me that he will not leave me and actually gets love from me, but not from the current partner. so i have only choice to have good relations with his partner and she has to have good relations with me, which we are not able to have. and actually don't gel with each other. Now the problem is that he doesnot want to leave me and cannot leave her. i love him but in lot of pain. pl advice.
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Tuesday 09 June
By amanda
With all this new sexual freedom, it's emotional intimacy that is the real cheating. I don't own my boyfriend's body and he doesn't own mine. You can't assume that the other girl would even be upset about that sort of thing any more.
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Sunday 28 June
By sue
you talk about something seens to be out of the world to me. Hope there are not too many people have sexually practise like you. Hope not.
Wednesday 10 June
By Marc
i have a question about cheating. Is it cheating if both partners have the same girl?
A few years ago my ex and i would hook up with the girl at different times while also including her to join us about 2-3 times a month. The reason my ex left me(with a text-message break up) is because she said did not like my sleeping with our mutual bed buddy on my own while she was also doing it with out letting me know. I had confronted her about it but all she told me was it is different cause i am a guy. So is it only cheating i'm a guy? or should it also be considered cheating for her as well. Keep in mind - we both slept with eh same girl and we also invited her to join in.
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Tuesday 09 June
By Shannon
I agree women need to respect other women, but i think girls don't respect other girls. Now at 25 I would never imagine hooking up with another woman's man, but when I was younger I have (only a couple of times). I know why I did it back then, I had low self esteem because i was in a bad relationship, and I thought that these guys who were flirting with me would make me feel better (and they did for a bit) but afterwards I just felt empty. Now I look back and feel bad for the girlfriends (who the guys are still with by the way) and the kicker is these girls know their men hooked up with me and hate me and have not punished their men (who pursued me) and I realize, that they have low self esteem like I did. The one thing that saved me was dumping my own cheating ex and finding a man who was perfect for me. Girls, don't blame the other woman because it takes two to tango, if your guy is cheating, don't take it and don't go out and cheat on him thinking it will make you feel better IT WONT! Dump that loser and focus on your awesome self, and you will attract a good man who can make you feel like the goddess you are and who will be faithful.
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Wednesday 10 June
By softball
I believe that if someone, whether it's a man or a woman, cannot be faithful, then they should not be in a relationship. So what if a man hits on you and he's married....it is up to you to remind him that he's married....yes, compliments and attention are nice, however, do not sell yourself short for a moment of pleasure. We should take pride in ourselves by obtaining high standards. Cheating is not the new faithful...cheating is being a coward and selfish. Too many people get hurt...
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Thursday 11 June
By william
They say marriage is work. Marriage is not work. Dating while you are married, now that is work.
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Sunday 28 June
By sue
Dating means having sex?
Thursday 11 June
By toygurooli
Once a cheater, always a cheater... This is a saying that, if you asked me three or so years ago, I would have disagreed with you. However....time has told me that it is true.
It is not always the man who cheats, I know. It happens to be my situation though. He cheated before we were married, and continued to be dishonest throughout our 8 years together. He slept with someone one week before our 5 year anniv!
I read a few comments and get a kick out of the people who say...there must have been a reason that he cheated....not getting it at home, etc... To those people I say this... A person who needs to escape reality and all the ups and downs of life by meeting, speaking to, texting, screwing, women/men outside of their marriage, have self help issues. They don't want to face the music, so the escape becomes...be somewhere else with someone else.
He lies... to the women he meets on line, in person, himself, and his family and me. He tells them he is single...he tells me he loves me....he tells his family he's happy... He validates his obsession as "only words".
He has an addiction to the computer also. Since the decision to divorce, he has been on the computer every waking moment. So what he was keeping a secret, is now in the wide open...
I stayed for so long because I took our vows seriously. However...if only one person tries, works, supports, then no matter how long you stay or how hard you try, the relationship is doomed. I became an enabler.
I am in the process of filing and moving. Don't think that he gets it yet. He will soon enough... When the house is dirty and gross. When there is no food in the house. When he isn't invited to family and friend functions. When the bills don't get paid. lol
and yes, I do believe..... What comes around, goes around!
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