So, we had sex. Awesome! But then you decided to go all John Madden and offer some post-game commentary. Follow Madden's lead some more, and retire from this perilous pastime.

And if you do keep talking, make sure you don't utter one of these confidence-kryptonite phrases, guaranteed to bum us out and blanket the post-romp air with awkwardness.

10. "That was nice."
Did we just leave a community theater production of "Our Town"? If you enjoyed yourself, that's fantastic. In fact, that was probably our only goal during the session. But, please, use any other word to describe it-"hot," "amazing," or "incredible" are good starters.

9. "Whaddya wanna do now?"
Often said in conjunction with finished homework, this question makes us thinks you viewed the sex as a chore.

8. "Why'd you stop?"
God must've needed a laugh. That's the only explanation we can think of.

7. "Are you OK?"
If we start crying, forgo the sympathy and just pretend not to notice. Seriously, though -- we're in bliss. The last thing we want is to feel self-conscious.

Click here to see the top six.

6. "It's not you, it's me!"
This one is salvageable, because we can reply with, "You're right. You're just too hot for a normal man to handle." Although, chances are we're too busy trying to fashion a noose out of the bed sheets to notice.

5. "Man, I'm starving."
This implies that, the whole time we were trying to please you, you were thinking about food -- which we're not (for once!).

4. "Wanna try again?"
Even the most goal-oriented dudes will shudder at the word "try" as it relates to the bedroom. Between the sheets isn't the place for the Little Engine That Could.

3. "Everyone has an off night."
Off night? Oh, right. Yeah. Too bad you're not the girl we hooked up with last weekend. We rocked her world.

2. "Do you mind if I finish myself?"
Of course not. But, rather than ask permission, just go for it. The show will definitely help stitch up our wounded ego.

1. "It happens to lots of guys."
If you utter this phrase -- the single most abhorred combination of words in the history of spoken language -- then you deserve not to be satisfied.

This anonymous guy writer also doles out advice to women in Cosmopolitan and If he can't satisfy you, at least he can make you laugh (at him).


puke in my mouthDO follow her advice and don't say/do things to make a girl mouth-puke ("Jizz in my Pants" parody).

college humorDO NOT piss off your roommates by having sex all over the apartment. (strikeout reason: on second thought, that's always kinda fun.)

sex thoughtsDO NOT ever start to think about sex like an old married dude.

weird sex storiesDO NOT find yourself in one of these freaky (but not in a good way) sex situations.

air sexDO NOT let your boyfriend or girlfriend know you do air-sex. Like air-guitar, something are better done in private.

dirty disney sex secretsDO play match-the-dirty-Disney-sex-reference-to-its-movie game.