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CJ ArabiaWhen you're unemployed you watch more TV than you might if you had a job. Non-prime-time TV watching -- especially during the day and late at night -- means that you get to see ridiculous infomercials when they're actually on and remixed on YouTube.

Which you forget when you're talking to your employed friends. It's almost embarrassing. I made an Extenze joke the other day out at dinner. Don't know what Extenze is? Neither did anybody there, so I had to explain that Extenze is a pill (and carbonated beverage!) that makes your male parts bigger and "enhances sexual enjoyment." It's such a bummer that I know that ... and that I've memorized it.

Some infomercials are more interesting than network television. (I don't know if that says more about the state of prime-time television or my bad taste in programming.) In fact, I've learned an awful lot from infomercials. For instance ...

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The Snuggie: Yeah, I own a Snuggie. I didn't get it at Bed Bath and Beyond, I ordered it off the TV like a normal person. I have two, actually, and the matching book lights you get when you "call within 20 minutes." Fun fact: You never actually NEED to call the toll-free number within 20 minutes to get the extras. If they'll throw it in for free at 3 a.m., they'll throw it in for free at 4 p.m. the next day on their Web site. Did you know that you can now order designer Snuggies in zebra and leopard print? It's true!

The Slap Chop and ShamWow!: I've seen enough of these that I know the full name of the Slap Chop/ShamWow! dude. (It's Vince Offer, who was actually born Vince Shlomi.) Vince has had his share of problems lately when he was arrested for having an altercation with a prostitute. Which they don't mention in the infomercial, but which I know because I spend way too much time obsessing about Vince and his products.

Life Alert / Extenze: There's an actor who stars as an operator in an "I've fallen and I can't get up" Life Alert infomercial and as a satisfied customer in the "This could be fun!" Extenze ad, which I find absolutely hilarious. This guy and his giant "enhanced" member will call the fire department if your grandma's house is on fire. He's got a little something for all the ladies, if you know what I mean.

But it doesn't end there. I'm also a certified expert at the Ab Rocket, Air Climber, Aqua Globes, Bendaroos, Bumpitz, the Buxton Bag, The Clapper, EZ Combz, GT Express, MagicJack, Thigh Master, Mighty Mendit, PedEgg, Pedi Paws, the Video Professor and soooo many more. Of these, I own -- along with my Snuggies -- a PedEgg, Pedi Paws, Bendaroos, Buxton Bag, Thigh Master and a GT Express.

Go ahead. Ask me anything.

To Do: Watch something else. (Maybe Nancy Grace. Get obsessed with TotMom instead?)