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Chatting online is great. You can do it without makeup, your face stuffed full of Samoas, and wearing sweatpants, while the person on the other end thinks you're still as coiffed as the last time you hung out.

Instant messaging has also transformed the once-awkward and nerve-racking task of "talking" into a series of carefully crafted keystrokes.

While the problem of stumbling over your words is greatly reduced, you can still say some pretty boneheaded things. Give these phrases a second guess before you click "send."

10. "What's wrong?"
Probably nothing. You're likely misinterpreting what we wrote (or didn't write). If your concern is genuine, pick up the phone to get the scoop.

9. "LOL!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!"
If something was genuinely funny, "hahahaha" is the way to go. It signifies a legit internal reaction to humor, rather than the image of you cackling like a buffoon at your computer screen.

8. "I think we should break up."
Don't waste your time here, then. Spend it trying to find a backbone. We either think you're joking (though it's not that funny) or that you're not, which is unforgivable.

7. "Hey! Where'd u go?!?!"
Chances are, to get a snack, to answer the phone or to birth a food baby. If we didn't say goodbye, then we'll be right back, and a comment like this comes across as obnoxious and needy (especially the "u" and army of staggered punctuation). It's IM, not a heart-to-heart.

Click here to read the top six.

6. "Whatever."
The insinuation of "I don't care about what you're saying" in a single, mocking word drives us nuts.

5. "* Sigh *"
Passive aggressiveness is annoying enough in real life. Don't pollute cyberspace, too.

Stuff Guys Never Want to Find in Your room

    10. Reality TV on DVD
    This signals to men that if we date this girl, we will have to spend endless hours watching crappy television. Hey, we all love "Rock of Love," but it isn't at the forefront of our DVD collection. If you do happen to get caught with the boxset for "The Real Housewives of Orange County" you can disarm its negative effect by earnestly swear to baby Jesus that you will never make him watch it with you unless he has a fresh sandwich in hand and is getting blown. Or you can just place it behind another movie.

    Getty Images

    9. More than one stuffed animal
    One stuffed animal means a lady nurtures her inner child, more than that indicates she is in arrested development. Imagine for a second sweet, sweet love makin' reflected in the glass eyes of dozens of Teddy Bears or collector dolls. It sounds like an X-rated episode of the "Twilight Zone."

    Getty Images

    8. Fat Free Potato Chips
    Two words, "anal leakage." Sometimes you've just got to just suck it up and open a bag of delicious, fatty potato chips. But seriously, however strict and stringent your diet is, if you don't have at least a few "to hell with the calories I'm going to eat this anyway" foods, it will make you seem uptight and prudish.

    Getty Images

    7. Sex for Dummies, etc.
    This is a bit misleading, because you would think that seeing a sex guide meant this girl would be down with having some good sex. In reality, this means she's had so much bad sex she has resorted to trying to learn how to do it from a book. If you're looking for a sterile way to explore your sexual fantasies and communicate to your man what you do and don't like, try phone sex. That way if he gets flustered by all the advice, he won't be under any pressure to preform.

    Getty Images

    6. Anne Geddes Baby Pictures
    Art crap meets biological clock time bomb. Here's a crazy idea, instead of buying a creepy, cliche poster, why don't you stroll on down to your favorite art museum or a local arts fair and pick up something unique. Then figure out something insightful to say about why you like it- it reminds you of when you studied abroad or that time you won a milk drinking contest- this will make you seem much more interesting.

    Amazon

    5. Condom Wrappers in the trash can
    Either she has just had sex with someone else or she hasn't taken out the trash in way too long. Either way, kind of off-putting. Also, lesbians throw away their old dildos when entering a new relationship, you can scrap together $10 and get a new tube of KY. No guy wants to be thinking about who before him was slathering up his member with this stuff in a moment of passion.

    Flickr, brandon cirillo

    4. Photos with Her Ex
    If you have a screensaver set to cycle through your photos, you should probably put the photos of you and your ex in a separate folder. Another lesser faux pas is having hundreds of photos with your friends lined up smiling in a bar. Think of your screensaver as a digital picture frame and select some of your most interesting photos for the slideshow rather than leaving it scrolling endlessly through every photo you've ever taken.

    Flickr, itsournorth

    3. "Monster" or "Fatal Attraction"
    Not commonly found in most women's rooms, but a deal breaker none the less.

    Amazon

    2. Anything "Twilight" related
    It's called a guilty pleasure because you're supposed to be ashamed of it. The same goes for "Harry Potter" and "Eragon." Yeah, those are fun books you can read in a long afternoon, but unless you're a fifth grade teacher, actually especially if you're a fifth grade teacher, you need to have some books for adults mixed in.

    Flickr, i heart him

    1. The Bible
    Nothing says you're not going to have a good time like the good book on the nightstand besides a girl's bed. Especially if you didn't know she was religious. If you are religious, please for God's sake let the dude your dating know ahead of time. The bedroom is no place to find out the girl you're excited about has a thing for Wicca.

    Getty Images



4. "OMG!!!!!"
You better get going. Don't wanna be late for the rush-week social and Greek-letter-tote-bag handouts.

3. Anything sarcastic
Sarcasm is a language not easily translated to binary code. So, if you've got something witty to say, try italicizing it for effect, because being a smart aleck online is always a great idea.

2. "Fine"
This word is easily misinterpreted, thanks to years of hearing you say it in that "Hey, jackass, I'm definitely NOT fine" tone.

1. "We need to talk ... "
Um, we are talking, right? This line signals impending doom over IM -- heck, in real life, too. Just make a phone call or say something face-to-face. If you have to break out this phrase, your topic is likely too heavy for an IM conversation.

Matt Christensen has written for Maxim, Cosmopolitan and Match.com. His college screen name was SeanConnery, but he has since forgotten the password.


The Most Annoying Co-Workers

    Insistent Instant Messenger: No matter how much time or miscommunication could be spared by talking face-to-face, this person insists on talking virtually, via IM or email. If they're a superior and you're not online, they send you an email to ask where you are (meanwhile you're at your desk, ten feet away).

    Cycle Sister: This is a person you're not particularly fond of, but for whatever cosmically twisted reason, your daily routine is synched up -- you walk into work at the same time, and from there, you see your Cycle Sister in the bathroom, on your smoke break, at the vending machine, and on the way out. Even if you do like this person alright, the sheer coincidence makes things creepy and awkward.

    Mr. Flibble, Flickr

    The Get-a-Lifer: This person asks you out to post-work drinks on a regular basis, despite the fact that you always decline. And the one time you went to a party at their house, it ended up being the two of you playing Taboo. The Get-a-Lifer is often the same person who plans meetings at 6 p.m. on Fridays, not realizing that everyone else goes out with their friends on the weekend.

    bealluc, Flickr

    Listserv Leech: If someone has taken this person's lunch out of the fridge, the entire staff will be notified via the staff listserv, which everyone else uses exclusively for professional communication. Alternately, this person may use the listserv to let everyone know about the lack of toilet paper in the bathroom, a party they're throwing, or to ask who took that package off their desk.

    Angry Typist: The Angry Typist pounds on her keyboard with the vigor of someone hitting their ex-boyfriend. The violent clacking leads to many misunderstandings, as this person is often unaware of their problem and is not actually pissed.

    .faramarz, Flickr

    The Toilet Mouth: You're on the pot midstream (or worse) when the Toilet Mouth strikes up a conversation. This person also likes to chatter at the sink for before and after they go, giving no one in the bathroom privacy to do their business.

    Megan *, Flickr

    Monday Manic: The coffee hasn't hit your bloodstream yet, and the Monday Manic is flittering about, imbued with an unnatural amount of energy and optimism. They're telling stories about how freaking great their weekend was and so stoked about the work they get to do that day.

    Old News Hound: OMG, did you hear that Lindsay Lohan is dating a girl!? The Old News Hound is always the last to know about everything, but the first to belt out at a stale headline at full-volume to their surrounding coworkers.

    Rash Revealer:This person has no shame getting on the phone with their doctor, their spouse, their aunt, or their mom to discuss a rash, a yeast infection, and any other personal bodily defect or medical issue.

    maydaFUNKbewithu!, Flickr

    The Chit-Chat Blaster: If this person catches you in the break room or on your way out of the bathroom, you're done for a half an hour later they're still yammering away about the paint samples they're considering for the livingroom, the deli they ate at for lunch, the meeting the boss called earlier, the diet they're on. The Chit-Chat Blaster also doesn't notice you inching away, and generally lack the ability to pick up social cues.