I have a very good friend who once confessed to me that he only poops at work. He told me that it is the American dream to get paid to take a dump. Lots of people are losing their jobs, he said, and he intended on taking advantage of one of the few remaining perks in life – sitting on the toilet at his office.
He said, "Why poop at home if someone is paying you to work? Might as well poop on the clock."
I thought this was crazy, until I started to hate my job in Human Resources and took this concept on a test run.
My #2 Work Goal
I only pooped at work, which required mad skills on my part because I traveled more than 50 percent of the time. I am an advocate of pooping when nature calls -- and I take Benefiber to keep my plumbing in good shape -- but I started holding my urge to poop until I was officially on the company's time. Click here to read how Laurie's experiment went -- and why you should try it.
When I was in my office, I coordinated my personal 'business' with my professional schedule. When I traveled, I waited until I arrived at the local office or off-site meeting to poop.
I will admit that my bowels weren't happy with this experiment; however, this small act of resistance made me feel like the playing field was slightly more level. I couldn't earn more money or make the CEO implement a more thoughtful company strategy, but I could take a crap at work and get five minutes of peace in my day. Poo Against the Machine I am making this confession because your company is spending an amazing amount of money with large communications firms who claim that they can improve employee morale in this sagging economic climate.
Instead of pouring money into improved health-care coverage or better day-care benefits, your company is hiring communications gurus who will ask you questions like, "Do you have a best friend at work?"
It is condescending and insulting to be asked questions about how you 'feel' at work. If you are like most Americans, you feel grateful to have a job, but you struggle with economic uncertainty. You wake up in the morning; get your kids off to school; and if you're lucky, you have time to take a crap.
Furthermore, you hate having your day interrupted with stupid employee surveys that never result in any long-term change. Why don't they let you get back to work so you can help make some money for your company?
Fight Back If you are mad as hell about corporate irresponsibility and want to make yourself feel better, I suggest that you try my poop-at-work process.
Let me know how it works. Do you exclusively poop at work, right now? Do you ever go at work? Leave a comment and let me know if your daily time-out session makes life a little easier.
Insistent Instant Messenger: No matter how much time or miscommunication could be spared by talking face-to-face, this person insists on talking virtually, via IM or email. If they're a superior and you're not online, they send you an email to ask where you are (meanwhile you're at your desk, ten feet away).
Cycle Sister: This is a person you're not particularly fond of, but for whatever cosmically twisted reason, your daily routine is synched up -- you walk into work at the same time, and from there, you see your Cycle Sister in the bathroom, on your smoke break, at the vending machine, and on the way out. Even if you do like this person alright, the sheer coincidence makes things creepy and awkward.
Mr. Flibble, Flickr
The Get-a-Lifer: This person asks you out to post-work drinks on a regular basis, despite the fact that you always decline. And the one time you went to a party at their house, it ended up being the two of you playing Taboo. The Get-a-Lifer is often the same person who plans meetings at 6 p.m. on Fridays, not realizing that everyone else goes out with their friends on the weekend.
Listserv Leech: If someone has taken this person's lunch out of the fridge, the entire staff will be notified via the staff listserv, which everyone else uses exclusively for professional communication. Alternately, this person may use the listserv to let everyone know about the lack of toilet paper in the bathroom, a party they're throwing, or to ask who took that package off their desk.
Angry Typist: The Angry Typist pounds on her keyboard with the vigor of someone hitting their ex-boyfriend. The violent clacking leads to many misunderstandings, as this person is often unaware of their problem and is not actually pissed.
The Toilet Mouth: You're on the pot midstream (or worse) when the Toilet Mouth strikes up a conversation. This person also likes to chatter at the sink for before and after they go, giving no one in the bathroom privacy to do their business.
Megan *, Flickr
Monday Manic: The coffee hasn't hit your bloodstream yet, and the Monday Manic is flittering about, imbued with an unnatural amount of energy and optimism. They're telling stories about how freaking great their weekend was and so stoked about the work they get to do that day.
Old News Hound: OMG, did you hear that Lindsay Lohan is dating a girl!? The Old News Hound is always the last to know about everything, but the first to belt out at a stale headline at full-volume to their surrounding coworkers.
Rash Revealer:This person has no shame getting on the phone with their doctor, their spouse, their aunt, or their mom to discuss a rash, a yeast infection, and any other personal bodily defect or medical issue.
The Chit-Chat Blaster: If this person catches you in the break room or on your way out of the bathroom, you're done for a half an hour later they're still yammering away about the paint samples they're considering for the livingroom, the deli they ate at for lunch, the meeting the boss called earlier, the diet they're on. The Chit-Chat Blaster also doesn't notice you inching away, and generally lack the ability to pick up social cues.
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