Arguments are inevitable in any relationship -- especially if you're being a bitch. But fighting with your dude doesn't necessarily have to mean leaving a FEMA-level dating-disaster blast zone in your wake. There are certain clichés that will never, ever be a good idea in the heat of battle.
Make sure you don't utter one of these ill-advised adages, which are guaranteed to give your spat an unnecessary shove into volatile.
10. "That's it. We're through!" As Britney's marriage to Jason Alexander demonstrates, life decisions made on impulse are rarely good ones. Cool down, civilize the discussion, then see where you are.
9. "I feel like there's something you're not telling me." That you spit when you yell. Please stop.
8. "You're so cute when you're angry." Being castrated by a poodle wearing a tutu would be less emasculating.
7. "You didn't used to be like this." We TOTALLY used to be like this. You just didn't notice until right now. (You were probably too busy matching your bras and your underwear, the way you used to.)
6. "My mother warned me about this." Bringing your mother into an argument is plainly unfair -- and only going to hurt you. If we don't hate her already, this will seal the deal for sure. Click here to read the top five fighting no-nos.
Urinate in Public Look, maybe when you were a kid your mother thought it was adorable when you'd drop your little pants to take a pee in the backyard. But we're not your mother and the world isn't your lawn. Zip it up, boys.
Regale Us With Tales of How Wasted You Got Last Night Guess who else has gotten totally smashed before? Everyone. You're boring and you smell like the floor. Shut up.
Say That You're Bringing the High Five Back (or that you're bringing anything "back" for that matter) I'm bringing disdain back...with a vengeance. Oh, and your tool box called...you got out again.
Talk About "Fight Club" The first rule of "Fight Club" is you do not talk about "Fight Club." This is a great book and movie that you ruin every time you open your mouth to say how much you'd like to join a fight club if only you hadn't just renewed your gym membership. You...are...Jack's...tiny...penis.
20th Century Fox, Fight Club
Say Things Like, "It's All Good" How about instead, you just say something more accurate like, "I'm not listening to you because I'm too busy thinking about the Phish bootleg I just bought on eBay"?
Go Shirtless Look, this isn't an easy stance to take. Some of you guys look spectacular topless. But others...well, I just don't think we can afford to take chances anymore.
Refer to "Dropping the Kids Off at the Pool" or Any Other Euphemism for What You're Going to do in the Bathroom I also don't want to hear your blow by blow recount after you return from the bathroom. Fine, call me uncultured.
Your Glenn Quagmire ImpressionAlright! Giggity! Giggity! Oh my god, you're, like, the FIRST guy I've ever heard do that! Do you like that one song from "American Pie," too? You do? Oh, we simply MUST have a love affair!
Take a Magazine into the Bathroom at Work Do it at home. Do it at the sperm bank. Do not do it at the company that matches your 401(k).
Talk to Your Mother What's the quickest way to a man's issues? Overhearing a phone call with mommy.
5. "That's it. No sex for a month!" Withholding sex is never a good idea. Unless you want us to find it somewhere else.
4. "Are you listening to me?" We hear you. Is that the same thing?
3. "Men!" Don't lump us in with those d-bags.
2. "I give up." This isn't arm-wrestling. We want to work things out as much as you do. While cooling off for a day or two is a great idea, giving up will only prolong the misery.
1. "I knew this was a mistake." It's cool to say nasty things in the heat of battle and then apologize them away later, but you can't really apologize for revealing a long-seeded, unacknowledged feeling of doubt. Matt Christensen has also written for Cosmopolitan, Maxim and match.com and was undefeated on his junior-high debate team.
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